162 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #581
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "He Needed Inner Healing,
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 and NRMLGRL Knew It"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Kaia [4/21/99]
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 Purchased by NRMLGRL (HOE #461)
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dinner today was even more awkward than normal. remnants of food
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were starting to crust on the dirty dishes.
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i don't get it, NRMLGRL said. i don't know whether he doesn't feel
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the passion, or whether he just can't express it.
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i think i'm gonna be sick, BREADGRL said, holding her mouth and
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running.
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BOYBOYGRL sat on a little green plastic chair. his face was limp
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and blank, mouth open and eyes-half shut. a hundred band-aid boxes were
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scattered at his feet, and his naked chest was covered in bandaids. one by
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one, barely looking, he was peeling them off and eating them.
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BREADGRL returned. i feel better now! she said.
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good, NRMLGRL replied. now let's take her in.
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him, you mean? BREADGRL said.
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yeah, NRMLGRL said, or at least i think so..let me check.
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they peered down the front of his underwear, and nodded.
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ok. let's take *him* in, NRMLGRL said.
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[-----]
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"so you found him in your kitchen four days ago, and he's been
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sitting there for four days, ever since." the nurse was taking notes
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randomly and absentmindedly.
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NRMLGRL and BREADGRL nodded.
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"in silence. eating bandaids."
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NRMLGRL and BREADGRL nodded.
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"hm, how interesting. do you two have medical insurance?"
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NRMLGRL and BREADGRL nodded. suddenly, their heads nodded right
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off, and they died, right there, bloodily, in the hospital.
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"then we'll take him in for x-rays," the nurse said.
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[-----]
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x-rays revealed that BOYBOYGRL had not only bandaids, but about 400
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silicon suction cups clinging to the walls of his stomach. "possible
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psychological problem," she scribbled into his chart, "referral to
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neuropsychiatrist."
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BOYBOYGRL stopped eating bandaids and slipped into catatonia.
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[-----]
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"a booma chocka booma chucka buum," the neuropsychiatrist said.
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"bio, gio nutella belGRRRAH." there was a parrot sitting on his shoulder,
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wearing a surgical mask on its beak.
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"'bandaids are normally put over cuts to help them heal faster,'"
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the parrot said, "'therefore, he is using bandaids unconventionally.'" the
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nurse took some notes.
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"fluvu flava, mugga-wamp womp womp. gsdll dll uhoh. hehhhehe.
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whee!" the neuropsychiatrist said.
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"'for diagnostic purposes, i am going to administer the Mini Mental
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State Examination now. talk to me, baby. hehhhehe. whee!'" the parrot
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said, flapping its tropical wings.
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the neuropsychiatrist turned to BOYBOYGRL. "GORru bum tum?"
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"'what is the date?' cracker-acker!" the parrot asked BOYBOYGRL.
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BOYBOYGRL was stonefaced, didn't even twitch.
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"hm, ffff fffff fff," the neuropsychiatrist said.
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"'hm, he appears to be silent.' give me a damn cracker, squraawk!"
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the parrot said. the nurse jotted something down.
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"lsabb 100 bass ackwards ibo nio, jiwo 7s?" the neuropsychiatrist
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said.
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"'can you count backwards for me by 7s, from 100?' give me a cracker
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or i will refuse to talk, motherfucker," the parrot said. the nurse took
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notes.
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"BUURF!! GH@! $@#$! $@!$!@$" the neuropsychiatrist exclaimed.
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"''" the parrot said.
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"BJTTTTTTTWWWW W EHJTH!!"
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the parrot gave no translation, so the nurse continued vacantly
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drawing flowers in her notebook. "TEWHGG!%# HHGJR hio HIO HIOTWET!!!#%$"
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BOYBOYGRL was starting to eat bandaids again when the
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neuropsychologist's supervisor, Nikolas, arrived. "excellent, i see you've
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made progress," Nikolas said, feeding the bird a cracker. he wheeled
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BOYBOYGRL into a new examination room.
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"I Loooo-oove you," the parrot sang.
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[-----]
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"so you're back so soon?" Nikolas rubbed his beard. "i'd like to
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have a frank and open discussion with you," Nikolas said to BOYBOYGRL, who
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appeared to be asleep. "you must be under a lot of stress right now. but
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remember, we are only here to help you. i know there must be some
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explanation, however complex, for your consistently unusual behavior."
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BOYBOYGRL continued to eat bandaids and stare into space. he was
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secured to a guerney with leather bands around his wrists, upper arms,
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neck, chest, waist, hips, upper legs, and ankles.
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"maybe there are some things you are afraid to discuss." Nikolas
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brought his face to BOYBOYGRL's. "maybe you have inner wounds that you
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want sealed, and that's why you're eating bandages. or you could just be
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feeling overwhelmed. but if there's something going on inside your head, i
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need to know now," Nikolas said, extracting a leather wallet from his coat
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pocket, "before i insert this cathether into your arm."
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five minutes passed. "i see you have either chosen not to talk, or
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are unable to speak." the catheter tunneled into the vein, without even as
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much as a flinch.
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no last words, only a gag and a dry heave. Barbiturate. Saline.
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Pavulon. Saline. KCl.
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and it was over.
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"OK, you guys can come in now!" Nikolas called in the team of
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medical students. the neuropsychologist was dressed like Captain Morgan,
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and his parrot flew in wearing an eyepatch, landing on his shoulder.
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as soon as they slit his belly, steam and objects exploded across
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the room as if escaping from a bag of microwave popcorn. there were
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bandaids, suction cups, small books, old pieces of ivory, glow in the dark
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stars, a plastic valentine, and a plastic bag.
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"aah, if only you had given these up earlier," Nikolas said, shaking
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his head and gathering the suction cups into the plastic bag. "you almost
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did there, near the end..."
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"well, at least we can run our equipment again," a med student said,
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fingering the plastic valentine. it said, "to Sophy."
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #581 - WRITTEN BY: KAIA - 4/21/99 ]
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