76 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
76 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #570
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Why I'd Pity a Psychic"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Rhea
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/11/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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There was once a little caterpillar named Stan the Stalker. Stan
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was called "the Stalker" because, well, he liked to stalk people. His
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caterpillar friends didn't approve of his stalkings very much, but they
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could see plainly that he was addicted and so they chose to not interfere.
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Stan the Stalker wasn't just any stalker, though, which was
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something that his friends didn't know. You see, Stan had the ability to
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read the minds of people, and so he would crawl up to a person's house and
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look through the window until he saw someone, and then turn on his magic
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power and read the person like a book. He was fascinated by the thoughts
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of people because they were so unlike the thoughts of caterpillars.
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One day, a particularly fine Tuesday morning, Stan crawled up a blue
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house to the wide white kitchen window ledge. His furry caterpillar body
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gleamed green and yellow in the sunlight. He saw two people sitting in the
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kitchen, and zoomed in with his magic powers immediately to the first
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person.
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"Maybe I should have done my chemistry homework. No. It's stupid
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and the teacher didn't even explain it hardly. Bobby is so cute. He has
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brown eyes. He kinda looks like Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo is so cute. Maybe
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I should ask him to eighth grade prom. But he'll say no. It'll be
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humiliating--"
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Stan zoomed out. "That was boring," he said to himself. "Well,
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what did I expect from a pre-teen?"
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He laughed, than turned his powers on the second person, and his
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mind was immediately flooded with the following all at once:
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"Mmm, taco bell. Mmm, that one hot chick that works there smiled
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at me. Fuck, she probably smiles at everyone, it's probably her job. Damn
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TV sucks sometimes. That thing on MTV was so gay. Is that English paper
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thing due today? Shit. I'll just tell her that my printer broke. That
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always works. I hate that fucking teacher. Sometimes I just want to run
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up to her and slash her throat with my pencil and then watch her scream,
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and watch the blood run all the way down her shirt onto her shoes. Mmm,
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big mac. Man, this cereal sucks. Mom needs to stop buying this healthy
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crap. Otherwise I'll jam my spoon up her nose into her brain and scoop out
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her brains. Haha. Man, that would rule. Mom is fucking on my case way too
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much. Damn my sister is annoying sometimes. All the time. She was
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listening to Hanson yesterday, I wanted to run in and tie part of her
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stupid blue beaded curtain around her neck and choke her so she'd turn it
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off. I wonder if it's going to rain today, that would suck. !!
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Mmm, pizza. Mmm, Pamela Anderson. Now there's a hot chick. Dan has
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a poster of her in his room, I wonder if he uses that to help himself --
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mmm, nintendo 64. I need to go to his house after school and play 007.
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That game fucking rules. I can't believe this crap I'm eating. It's
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disgusting. I'd give it to the dog but he'd fucking die from eating it
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it's so bad. That's what my mom's doing, she's fucking trying to kill me.
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I oughta take that carving knife in the drawer and cut her-- Hey, is that
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a caterpillar? Whoah, where's the butter knife? I hope it's body will
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still keep moving after I cut off its head."
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And while all this was still registering in poor Stan the Stalker's
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puny little caterpillar brain, the boy opened the window and jabbed his
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butter knife into Stan. He writhed and moaned in pain and then finally
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stopped.
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The last thing that went through Stan's head was, "Mmm, Brittany
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Spears."
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #570 - WRITTEN BY: RHEA - 4/11/99 ]
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