106 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
106 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #551
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Happy Floggings"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Kreid
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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This is a story about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird with two
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wings.
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Once upon a time, there was a bluebird called Calvin. His full name
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was Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk. In many ways, Calvin was just
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like any other bluebird. But then, in other ways, he was not. There were
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many special things about Calvin that made him different, just as there are
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special things about you and me that make us different.
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One special thing about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird, was that he
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was born with two beautiful, blue wings.
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With these two things, Calvin flew high above the trees, through the
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clouds, gathering condoms and tadpoles and feasting on little bits of
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styrofoam behind the 7-11 in the town where he lived.
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One day, a group of young birds came to visit Calvin while he was
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taking bonghits of pot (marijuana) behind the 7-11. These birds were not
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like Calvin, however. They did not have two wings like Calvin. Instead,
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they had only two wings.
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"Help," said one of the young birds. "Our friend, Axl, has had too
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much Jack Daniels (alcohol) to drink and he is passed out. We are afraid
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that he might die of alcohol poisoning! Please help us, Calvin!"
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Calvin knew exactly what to do. He took off, soaring above the 7-11
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majestically upon his two wings.
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"Damn," said Calvin's inner monologue, "I need to take a shit!"
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And so he did. Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk pooped. And
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as he pooped, he crashed into the big skyscraper next to the 7-11 and fell
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tragically to his death.
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"Fuck," said one of the younger birds, "I can't live in this world
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any longer!" Then he ate a triscuit that was laced with cyanide and fell
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dead to the floor.
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"Fuck," said another one of the younger birds, "how could someone
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just give up on life like that?" Then a truck swerved off the road and
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into the 7-11, crushing this bird, along with six of his friends. There
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was fire and smoke everywhere.
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An explosion in the back of the 7-11 caused the Slurpee machine to
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spew out ice and syrup. It shot out of the windows into another young
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bird's mouth. His brain froze. Another bird had a heart attack at the
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sight of this. Yet another bird, who was watching this scene from afar,
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laughed so hard that his diaphragm exploded and he died of internal
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bleeding.
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By the time the cops showed up, there were at least 100,000 corpses
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at the scene, and counting. They didn't know what to do. It was horrible.
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The chief of police asked, hopelessly, "How will we ever clean this mess
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up?"
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Just then, a plane flew by the place and dropped a large black
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object out of its doors. The large black object was not a piano. It was a
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NUCLEAR BOMB!
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Seconds later, the bomb exploded, and everything fell silent. The
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President of the United States watched the mushroom cloud on his television
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in the Oval Office as he masturbated with his thumb pressed up into his
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rectum. He blew a load all over the desk and laughed maniacally.
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The First Lady opened the door to the office and walked in.
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"Jesus," she said, "it smells like death in here!"
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And she was right. The President's spunk reeked of death.
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This was not because of the nuclear bombing, of course, but rather
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because the President had just been fucking a dead body. It was the dead
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body of Stanley Kubrick, which The President had bought from the Government
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of Paraguay for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 U.S. Dollars.
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The President just laughed some more and picked up his 2-Liter
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bottle of Absolut Vodka. He drank it all down in one sip, like it was
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water. He laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, his laugh turned into a
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terrified scream, as the ghost of Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk
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flew through the Oval Office window like a bullet, shattering the glass,
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and then right through the forehead and brain of the President.
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"Noooooooooooooo," screamed the First Lady. But Calvin
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Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk and his two wings were nowhere to be
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found. Justice had been served.
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Later that night, the First Lady also had sex with the lifeless
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corpse of Stanley Kubrick, as his penis had been made eternally erect by a
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Paraguayan master taxidermist.
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God sat above in heaven and smiled on his great Earth. But, then,
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he was only smiling because he had just injected 50 grams of heroin into
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his left eyeball. It felt good. Oh, yes, indeed. It all felt real good.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #551 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 4/6/99 ]
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