245 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
245 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #451 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Karaoke" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/21/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Q: What has the potential to make a drunk look even stupider
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than the time they did cartwheels naked in the bar parking
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lot for $20?
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A: Karaoke.
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It was the night of the Dubuque Wendy's employee Christmas party.
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We were all a little skeptical, considering our manager Kim had chosen a
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karaoke party this year, as opposed to our ritual bowling parties that
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had grown boring yet familiar. Still, after hearing that there was a bar
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in the Knights of Columbus hall we had rented for the occasion, spirits
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seemed to brighten just a little. If nothing else, the kids could goof
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off and the adults could get a decent buzz going and enjoy themselves.
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Someone was bringing Trivial Pursuit in case the management (and anyone
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else) got bored.
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I, on the other hand, was becoming oddly excited, anticipating
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the occasion. Upon hearing of the liquor availability, I made it my
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personal mission to make sure every last one of my co-workers could
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attend and watch me make a complete ass out of myself. Hell, I told
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them, if nothing else, come to watch me be stupid. That'll be
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entertaining enough to make up for the fact that you're underage and
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can't get plowed off your ass as surely as I would be. And for some,
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this was enough to do the trick.
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I decided to drag my brother along, as he was most likely going to
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be a future co-worker of mine, since the pay was good and the work was
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simple. We loaded up in a tiny LeBaron, driven by my manager Nancy's
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husband, who was to get us all home safely in our drunken states. Six of
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us, all crammed in as uncomfortable as could be, to hang out with the
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same irritating faces from work to listen to them sing karaoke. I
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promised Trudy, the slow girl who just turned 21, that I would buy her
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her very first alcoholic drink: a wine cooler. She was scared. And in
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some social circles, I could be considered scared, too.
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Upon our first arrival, a few people were there, milling around
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the food table. I avoided my ex. I chatted up with some ex-co-workers
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of mine who were long since working at our newest franchise store that
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opened almost two years ago. I casually deduced from conversation that
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the bar was dirt-ass cheap. And so, after a little food and speak, I
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worked my way over to the bartender. The rest of the night could only be
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classified in how many beers I had consumed.
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Beer #1:
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I was mildly hyperactive to begin with that night, and Jenny, a
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friend and co-worker, shared my anticipation. We had talked a few days
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earlier at work about singing some songs together, and so she came over
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to me with a songbook from the karaoke people. Some people from the
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other store had already taken over the machine; sounds of white-boy _Baby
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Got Back_ and off-key _Bohemian Rhapsody_ rung throughout the hall. My
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beer was almost finished when we decided on _The Right Stuff_ by New Kids
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On The Block. It was a too-perfect way to begin the night.
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We were the fourth people to step up to the mics. With not even a
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light buzz yet, I could feel my stage fright creeping up. However, I
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remembered that I worked with these people on a daily basis; I couldn't
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possibly make a bigger ass out of myself in front of them than I did
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every other day of the week. The music started and laughs and groans
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came from the crowd. Jenny and I semi-quietly jammed our way through,
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dancing a little and genuinely looking like we were having fun, as
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opposed to the extreme fright I was feeling. But we did it. And on the
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way back to the bar, I got a few compliments. I knew then that I had to
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start chugging.
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Beer #2:
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We got ahold of the book again, and my brother and I tried to
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find something funkadelic. They didn't have "Brickhouse". Nothing from
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Parliament. We flirted with the idea of doing "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm", but I
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decided I would sound utterly retarded. Travis wanted to do Cameo's
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"Word Up", but nobody would've had a clue but us. In the meantime,
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another friend and co-worker, Matt, proposed I do a rap with him. We
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picked a good one, alright, and he took the little piece of paper up to
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the karaoke people. Jenny stopped over to say she wanted to sing a song
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for Patti, another co-worker, and I filled out a slip of paper for that
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one, also. Travis and I continued looking, and I finished my beer.
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Beer #3:
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Kim ran into me in the bathroom. She already had a really, really
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good buzz going and was very distraught over turning 30 later this
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month. I felt really bad for her. Hell, I don't ever want to turn 30.
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I could never get away with the shit I was doing tonight when I turn 30.
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I told her it would be alright, and made the rounds, talking to a few
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other people.
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After a few minutes, Kim pulled me over and said, "Are you gonna
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come up and sing with us?" All the managers (except our general
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managers) were heading up to the podium, and I inquired as to what was
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the occasion. "We're singing 'Take This Job And Shove It' to Jim and
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Steve," she replied. Oh, I was game. I quick bought myself a wine
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cooler and crowded around, singing that timeless anthem to our bosses.
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That wine cooler went really fast after that. I gave Trudy a
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taste to see if she thought she could handle it. She was so embarassed.
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I was amused.
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Beer #5 (Counting that wine cooler):
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Trudy and my friend Sarah sang "Wing Beneath My Wings," and
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everyone slow danced. The other store had pretty much been karaoke hogs
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up to this point, and Travis and I finally picked a song and decided to
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get it in before they completely took over. I promised Trudy that wine
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cooler after she got done singing; however, Matt and I got called up for
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our little rap right after their song.
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I really, really should've thought about some of the songs I was
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singing before I chose them. But by now, I had a really nice buzz going
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on so it didn't matter. Matt and I had chosen Tone Loc's ever-so-tasteful
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"Wild Thing," and I was having a little too much fun rapping about girls
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on my jock and having to adjust my fly. Jenny and Nikki put on a pseudo
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strip-show for us. Matt seemed to be enjoying myself. At that point,
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the alcohol was carrying me anyway. It was a blast.
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Beer #6:
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I got Trudy that wine cooler after all. She was freaking; she
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carried it around with her for hours, not drinking much more than a
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little sip.
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Waiting for Jenny's and my song to come up, another co-worker of
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ours, Tom, told me I should sing Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet". I had
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lost my voice just days before and the entire night I was only working
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on half my throat, and I said there was no way I could reach the high
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notes. But he badgered me, reminding me there weren't any high notes in
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that song, and that my voice was husky enough that it would sound killer.
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I was also told that by the end of the day on drive-thru, I sounded like
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a chick on a phone sex line. I got the number for Black Velvet and stuck
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it in my pocket, doubtful I would have that much courage anyway.
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I nursed that beer for a while; I got the sudden and obscure urge
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to dance. I don't dance. Ever. But, some wonderful, magical disco tune
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came on and I just had to move my ass. That right there was a sure
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testament to the fact that I had been drinking pretty decently.
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Beer #7:
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I was still dancing every so often. Jenny and I got up to sing
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our song to Patti, "Down On The Corner" by Creedence Clearwater Revival.
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I didn't know a single word to that song before we sang it, only the
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melody. Hell, can ANYONE understand CCR? It was quite a revelation, I
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must say. We eventually got Patti up to jam with us, which was
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originally considered an impossibility. We had the whole place going; I
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think Jenny and I were pretty much the only people in the whole place
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who could actually carry a tune. By this time, however, I was getting
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really rowdy, and when were were done, I was screaming "WHOOOOO!!" and
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jumping up and down. To put it mildly, I was enjoying myself.
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Someone sang "I Think I Love You". Someone else sang "Dancing
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Queen". Yet another person did "Mickey". It didn't matter how horrible
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people were at that point; it was all so much fun and so hilarious. I
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was dancing like a complete moron. Matt, my brother and I put in another
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song request, this one for all of us including Jenny, Nikki, and Sarah.
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I was heading to the bathroom more and more often. I was becoming
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downright silly drunk. It was more fun than I needed to have, really.
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Travis and my song finally came up, and the crowd just wasn't as
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hyper as it had once been. The familiar music of "Don't Worry, Be Happy"
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began to blare behind us; there wasn't enough crowd reaction for us to
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be fully satisfied. I picked up the mic and yelled, "ARE YOU READY TO BE
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HAPPY!?!" A few laughs echoed from the people. I yelled again, "I DON'T
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THINK YOU'RE HAPPY ENOUGH!!" Someone called, "I'M HAPPY!!!" My brother
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topped it all of, booming into the mic with the voice of a large scary
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german man, "_HAPPY!!!!_" We finally had their attention, and we rambled
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off the song to happy faces.
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Beer #8 (although I admit at this point I was losing count):
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I finally decided I was drunk enough to put in that request for
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Black Velvet; however, there was only an hour or so left of karaoke fun
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and they had tons of requests before they would get to mine. That didn't
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bother me; I didn't want to do it anyway.
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Elaine's husband got up and sang "Lady" to her. It was positively
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charming; we were all really impressed. Some other girl got up and sang
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on her own, too, although she was too quiet and nobody had any clue what
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the hell she was singing. I was kind of wishing at that point that I
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could've done my own song before them. I wanted to be the center of
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attention. Of course, I was pretty much drunk enough at that point that
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I didn't care how retarded I would've sounded.
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Some of the under-21 employees had me buying them beer. Hell, I
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didn't care. Some of the other employees, who had swore they would never,
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ever get up and sing, were putting in requests, although it was too late.
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I would've lived and died to see Chad, Tom, and Dave sing "Welcome To
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The Jungle" like they said they were going to. Alas, it was not to be.
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Our names were called to get up and do our big group song, and so
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the six of us clamored up to the microphones, gathering around the
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screen, ready to jam. One guy and two girls to each mic, the sudden
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jolt of "Love Shack" thundered into my ears. And amazingly enough,
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everyone in the place was really excited about the song we chose.
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Travis and Matt executed near-perfect Fred Schneiderness, and between
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the four of us girls who could actually sing, we had at least half of
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the entire hall on the dance floor.
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"Your WHAT?" "TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN ROOF! RUSTED!!!"
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I almost completely lost my voice screaming that line. But
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everyone looked like they were having so much fun, and I was having so
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much fun, and I knew right then and there that the six of us had
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carried off the best performance of the night. I wanted to cartwheel
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everywhere.
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Beer #9:
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Karaoke winded down shortly after that; we had run out of time for
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my song, my brother didn't get to sing "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
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with Sarah, and many more performances were missed. Trudy had drank
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approximately 1/5 of that wine cooler I had bought her hours before. I
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got some glasses of ice from the bar and carried around a good two-thirds
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of her wine cooler in one hand, my final beer in the other. I couldn't
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speak right anymore. I was downright silly drunk. Jenny was inviting
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people over to her apartment after everyone left, and Nancy and I took
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her up on it. I stumbled around, hugging too many people and being way
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too loud. And still, most of the people there didn't realize I was even
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buzzing. This was all normal to them.
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I declared to Kim before we left that karaoke was now mandatory at
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every crew party henceforth, as was a bar. I chased my beer down with
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the wine cooler and got ready to leave. I gazed longingly at the karaoke
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machine, so alone at the front of the hall. For one night, I finally had
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sang in front of people, I danced with them, I had a genuinely good time,
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and nobody thought I looked like a complete ass. I don't think I
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could've asked for more than that.
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The six of us smashed back into the little LeBaron, headed to our
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next destination, somehow a little less uncomfortable this time.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #451, WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 1/21/99 !!
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