109 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
109 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #438 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Alcohol Discoveries On Electrifying" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> M4D 3LF !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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I went drinking with my mom and my mom's boyfriend on Christmas
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Eve. Don't ask my why, I knew they were going to do their best to get
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me drunk. I started off with a Mountain Dew, I was trying to play it
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cool, but I had good reason to get fucked up so I moved on to Zima (no
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Hooch, damn).
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After I had three Zimas they brought out the 100 proof fire water,
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I was feeling pretty tipsy (yeah, I'm way a lightweight) but I still had
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the brains to say "No way". After a bloody mary and two beers? Well,
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let's just say that I lost my instinct of self-preservation. I downed
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a double shot of the fiery concoction and slammed the glass on the bar.
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My throat burned and coughed out a slurred, "Did they go they go over to
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the gas station to fill my glass?" Ha ha. Two more beers, one more
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double shot, I was dancing with death. Mom was driving back to her
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boyfriend's house; her boyfriend hanging out the passenger door, me
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hanging out the sliding door, puking our guts, and anything else we
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had, out.
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I woke up on the bathroom floor, dazed, with the most awful taste
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in my mouth. To paraphrase Stephen King's "The Stand", I felt as if a
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baby dragon had been using my mouth as a training potty. Christmas was
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uneventful, but I was glad not to have a hangover, only an uneasy nausea
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anytime anyone mentioned shots or fire water.
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Later on that week, I was reading Anjee's t-file, "Electrifying
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Discoveries On Alcohol", (HOE #389) it reminded me of my recent
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experience with alcohol and my experiences with electricity. Being a
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lover of all things electronic, I've been electrocuted a good many times.
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None sticks out in my mind as the time I was replacing the turntable on
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my Admiral console stereo. It wasn't a problem to remove the back panel
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and I was soon rewarded with the beautiful sight of cris-crossing red,
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blue, and orange. I quickly located the screws holding the turntable's
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suspension to the main unit and removed them, Charity, my wife, watching
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disapprovingly. I then turned the turntable over and examined the
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underside in better light, tracing the audio wires from the amplifier.
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Tugging lightly where they met the unit, I found they were connected with
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standard RCA type plugs, but the power wires were soldered to the unit
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and had to be cut. Leaning over the top of the console, I was hanging,
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upside down, stripping the wires with my teeth (boy I need a wire
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stripper) when my forehead came in contact with the other wire,
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completing the circuit.
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/ /
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/ /
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/ /___________
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/ /
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ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAA PPPPPPPPPP
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ZZZZZZZZZZ AAAAAA PPPPPPPPPPP
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ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP
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ZZZ AAA AAA PPP PPP
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ZZZ AAA AAA PPPPPPPPPPP
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ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPPPPPPPPP
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ZZZ AAAAAAAAAA PPP
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ZZZ AAA AAA PPP
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ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP
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ZZZZZZZZZ AAA AAA PPP
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/__________ /
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/ /
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|/
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I fell to the floor in a crumpled mass, paralyzed, my wife
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standing over me saying "Steven, Steven!", shaking me. When I regained
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control of my motor skills the only thing I could do was laugh at
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myself, of course Charity thought I was joking and proceeded to yell at
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me for scaring her. I got up slowly, shook my head to clear the cobwebs,
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and fell back down. I tried to console Charity, but my tongue wasn't
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working with my mouth, the dynamic duo just couldn't get it right this
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time. She was now convinced that I had fried my brain, but I rose to my
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feet again, unplugged the stereo, and finished what I was doing.
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So, what are my thoughts on shots of 50% alcohol vs. sticking
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your tongue in a electrical socket? I'd choose to stick my tongue in a
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socket again. Although the effects of electrical shock are pretty
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short-term, you don't get the hangover and nausea you get with alcohol.
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Plus electrocution is relatively easy to obtain; a shot of 100 proof
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alcohol could run you in excess of $3, more if you're under age, while
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there's sure to be an open electrical socket where ever you are. The
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best reason of all, however, is the fact that you can scare the living
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bejesus out of your friends, relatives, or significant other.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #438, WRITTEN BY: M4D 3LF - 1/15/99 !!
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