94 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
94 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #422 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Talented" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mutter !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/13/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Somewhere in time and space a young man searches for the answer
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to the question which is life. He walks countless miles and climbs
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for countless days to reach the top of the mountain. When he finally
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arrives, he finds a old man with a long, white beard sitting in the
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lotus position, meditating.
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"Oh, honorable elder," the young man says with exhaustion.
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"I've traveled countless miles, climbed countless days and have obtained
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countless calluses on my hands and feet all to ask to receive some small
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nugget of knowledge which will enlighten me for the rest of my days..."
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The elder slowly breaks his meditation and turns to look at the
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young man's expectant face. He slowly opens his mouth to the young man's
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delight, "You are talented in many ways." Then he is silent. He turns
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away from the young man and goes back into his meditation. The young
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man, feeling ripped off by the quality of the message he had wasted a
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good portion of his life chasing, promptly commits suicide by jumping
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off a cliff.
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Of course who could blame him? He came seeking enlightenment and
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walked away with a complement -- and a lame one at that. That's exactly
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how I felt when I saw what passes for fortune cookie fortunes these
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days...
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"You are talented in many ways."
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What the fuck is that?! Is this a fortune or a direct quote from
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"I'm Ok, You're Ok"? Technically, it's not even a fortune! Did some
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new age, reject Complement Cookies (TM) by mistake find its way into
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my Wednesday dinner? COME ON! If I paid 10 dollars for a reading from
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some mystic on the street corner to tell me that "You are talented in
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many ways." I'd demand my money back, then beat them over the head with
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their crystal ball. What's next?
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"You are very smart."
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"Everybody loves you."
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"Your dick is very big."
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It's great for those first impressions...
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"So, Mutter, tell me a little bit about yourself."
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"Well, apparently my dinner thinks I am quite talented (in
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many ways)."
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"I... see..."
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I don't even like Chinese food. The only thing I even remotely
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enjoy about the whole Chinese fast food eating experience is the fucking
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fortune cookies. They are tasty as hell and come with a bit of
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entertainment. But can I have a nice normal fortune cookie? No.
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Instead I get some cookie designed for the manic depressant in us all.
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The cookie itself probably contained a good dose of prozac. I can see
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it now...
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"Sir, Americans are just too fat and lazy. They see their work
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as pointless. Production is very low."
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"What can we do to alleviate these problems?"
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"Well, our research team has determined that the average
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American loves fast food... especially Chinese fast food. The
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development team came up with these fortune cookies, guaranteed to
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reduce the American worker to the smiling dolt he should be."
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"Yes! A happy worker is a hard worker. Send the happy cookies
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into their food stream immediately!"
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Or maybe the story behind the message is even more sinister. A
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warped experiment in mind control? Shifting the will of the people
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through some cleverly placed seeds from an unexpected source? Think
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about the subliminal effects of such a message on the collective. Will
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crime decrease? Will the economy get better? Will drug use increase
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among teenagers? Who knows the ripple effects a seemingly innocent,
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yet weird message would have on the human mind? Did you know that many
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fortune cookie companies in America are actually CIA fronts or in other
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ways silently owned by the U.S. government? It's true. What effect
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might the fortune cookies have on the political swaying of America? Who
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cares? All I want is some trite little statement about the future
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inside a tasty cookie. But not even that simple desire will be met in
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the happy-joy world of today where your dinner is giving you pep talks.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #422, WRITTEN BY: MUTTER - 1/13/99 !!
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