142 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
142 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
|
|
##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
|
|
##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #278 !!
|
|
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
|
|
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
|
|
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Smart Bomb" !!
|
|
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Seaya !!
|
|
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/9/98 !!
|
|
!!========================================================================!!
|
|
|
|
Dr. John Vas Deferens worked at the Pentagon as a military
|
|
intelligence specialist. He thought of ways to minimize security risk and
|
|
promote peace through the development of bigger, better, and faster
|
|
weapons. He loved his job. He enjoyed the hours, the prestige, and most of
|
|
all the fact that he was bringing about World Peace.
|
|
|
|
Vas Deferens went into work that Monday morning with anticipation
|
|
of his weekly duty of weapons inspection. He would once again be able to
|
|
walk down the long assembly lines of nuclear cruise missiles and pat them
|
|
fondly. It was amazing the power in those long cylinders of potency. He
|
|
remembered with drooling delight the first time he saw footage of a
|
|
nuclear bomb exploding, its divine mushroom shape billowing out in
|
|
celebration of a new life, a new world being born.
|
|
|
|
But before he could engage in the pleasures of missile patting,
|
|
Vas Deferens had a crucial meeting to attend. It seems there weren't
|
|
enough boots and helmets for each of the units. Units were a fancy
|
|
military term for individual soldiers. Calling them units reminded them
|
|
that war had many grave consequences. After every war, for instance,
|
|
there were never enough supplies for each of the remaining units due to
|
|
the damaging nature of bullets on clothes and the tendency of helmets and
|
|
boots to be captured by the enemy along with the units. He shuddered at
|
|
the thought of such a loss of military property. They were strapped for
|
|
cash as it was, with the politicians in Washington diverting half the
|
|
defense budget to entitlement programs like education, Medicare, road
|
|
construction, and blueberry research in Maine. Didn't they know that they
|
|
were impeding the process of peacemaking through the balance of power?
|
|
The only way to uphold World Peace was a with a well stocked army.
|
|
|
|
The news of the meeting was worse than he had thought. Millard
|
|
Fillmore AFB had only 500 uniforms, 300 pairs of boots, and 650 helmets
|
|
for 2000 units. This was a crucial base which housed a new experimental
|
|
plane which was equipped with the ability to sustain units for four years
|
|
in outer space just in case it became necessary to abandon the earth as a
|
|
hopeless dead planet. This was a reality they all had to face. One
|
|
couldn't be too prepared for nuclear holocaust. It was a possible outcome
|
|
of military action in the 21st century. And nowadays one never knew who
|
|
this threat could come from. Backward countries like India and Pakistan
|
|
had now developed the bomb. This world was becoming dangerous! It was
|
|
necessary to support nuclear disarmament the world over. But how could
|
|
they do such a thing if the government would not fund their research on
|
|
the future of war?
|
|
|
|
After the meeting Vas Deferens made his escape to the missile
|
|
room. as he walked in the missile polishers were just finishing up their
|
|
morning shift and getting ready to go to lunch. When they left he was at
|
|
last alone with his creations -- state of the art WXX-251 missiles
|
|
complete with a satellite guided targeting system, retractable gliders,
|
|
and three nuclear warheads! They came in 12 unnatural and arousing colors,
|
|
designed by Vas Deferens himself to the great approval of General Mugwump
|
|
himself. The missiles gleamed in the brilliant yellow industrial lighting,
|
|
twinkling their welcome to Vas Deferens. he went to his favorite missile,
|
|
the "deluxe" model which included a mechanism by which it grew into twice
|
|
its size in the air on the way to the target. He pushed a button and
|
|
watched the missile grow. He looked around to see if there was anyone
|
|
looking. The clock said 12:15. Lunch was over in 15 minutes, so he had
|
|
about an hour or so until the polishers returned to the warehouse. He
|
|
then pushed another button and the missile moved into launch position,
|
|
about a 45 degree angle from the missile pad on which it lay. He put one
|
|
leg over the missile and jumped up, straddling its round shaft and
|
|
marveling as if for the first time at its enormous size and power. He
|
|
imagined riding on the missile as it sailed gracefully through enemy
|
|
skies on its way to destroy a crucial telecommunications net near a rural
|
|
third world village. The missile would adjust its course by command of
|
|
the satellite and thrust toward the waiting target. The collateral damage
|
|
alone would be devastating. He yelped in delight at the thought of such
|
|
scientific accuracy. Vas Deferens quickly dismounted from the missile as
|
|
he heard footsteps approaching in the hallway.
|
|
|
|
It was Ms. Serina Green, the Georgetown University graduate who
|
|
had just joined their unit supply data unit. She had graduated with a
|
|
dual major in English and Computer Science and had been hired by claiming
|
|
to know more about programming than she really did. Ms. Green had found it
|
|
hard to blend in with the Pentagon culture. She drank espresso rather than
|
|
good old American coffee. She didn't watch football, but preferred soccer.
|
|
She didn't have the proper security clearance to be working in the unit
|
|
supply data unit, so she had to have one of the staff accompany her every
|
|
time she left her office space. Private Latrine was with her now, leaning
|
|
against the door of the missile chamber with a look of bored disgust on
|
|
his face. private Latrine had had to accompany Ms. Green to the bathroom
|
|
one too many times that day after she had eaten a bad batch of chili from
|
|
the Pentagon Cafeteria. Vas Deferens frowned as he saw her walk in. She
|
|
made him feel really uncomfortable. Last time they spoke she had had the
|
|
audacity to insinuate that the destruction of units was actually the
|
|
destruction of human beings and that they should think of it as such! The
|
|
nerve!
|
|
|
|
"Ah! There you are Dr. Vas Deferens!" she exclaimed as her eyes
|
|
darted back and forth nervously over the contents of the warehouse, in
|
|
particular at the very provocative positioning of the deluxe missile
|
|
system. Vas Deferens cleared his throat and responded hastily, "Yes, what
|
|
is it Ms. Green, I'm on a tight schedule."
|
|
|
|
"Well, " she started tentatively, " um... I had a question."
|
|
|
|
"Yes, what is your question. If it is about matter of military
|
|
terminology I can help you understand it..." he offered.
|
|
|
|
"Well, actually, it's about the cup holder mechanism on the
|
|
computer. It's bent and won't retract," she explained frantically. Vas
|
|
Deferens watched the veins pop out of her slim white neck as she spoke
|
|
and realized suddenly that she was beautiful.
|
|
|
|
"Oh, yeah. I hate it when that happens. They just don't make cup
|
|
holders like they used to. Ask Private Latrine to replace yours, he
|
|
replaced mine just a week ago. I think I might need a new one soon."
|
|
|
|
Private Latrine smacked himself in the forehead in frustration and
|
|
muttered under his breath, "Damned fucking computer illiterate bastards.
|
|
This is the fifth CD-ROM this month alone."
|
|
|
|
"What was that Private?" Vas Deferens asked with a raised eyebrow.
|
|
|
|
"I said I'd get right on it, sir." he responded cautiously.
|
|
|
|
"Good. Now if you'll excuse me I am just finishing up with my
|
|
missile inspection duties Ms. Green and I'll leave you to Private
|
|
Latrine here."
|
|
|
|
"Thank you for all your help Dr. Vas Deferens." she responded with
|
|
her cute sideways smile. As she and Private Latrine exited Vas Deferens
|
|
reached out and pinched her butt for good luck. She squealed in surprise
|
|
and scampered quickly down the hall to report him to the office of
|
|
workplace misconduct, with Private Latrine in tow. Vas Deferens for his
|
|
part, took his mind off women and turned to the deluxe missile system. He
|
|
pushed the retracting button and patted the missile repeatedly as it went
|
|
back into storage position.
|
|
|
|
!!========================================================================!!
|
|
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #278 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 11/9/98 !!
|