55 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
55 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #270 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Coming of the Lord" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cyn !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/4/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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"She was into S&M and bible studies, not everyone's cup of tea."
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- Belle and Sebastion
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Recently I was having sexual fantasies about Jesus. These weren't
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apropos of nothing, mind, they were the direct result of having downloaded
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every picture on the Jesus of the Week website and a heck of a lot of porn
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all in the same day. They did raise a lot of questions in my mind, namely
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"What kind of a pervert am I?", "Am I going straight to hell?" and "Is
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_this_ what that Jesus freak meant when I asked him what he'd been doing
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lately and he said, 'Letting Jesus romance me,'?" I answered the pervert
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question by downloading a bunch more porn of the net. While this lead to
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more questions, like, "Who looks more ashamed in this picture, the girl or
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the sheep?" when it comes to perversion, I am definitely an amateur. Being
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a stanch atheist, I ignored the hell question. The third question I don't
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want to know the answer to.
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At this point, you're probably thinking, "Jesus? What's up with
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that." But think about it. He's the son of God, which, in my mind at
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least, means he's gotta be hung. The Good Lord isn't going to give his
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only son something that'll make him ashamed to shower after gym class.
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Of course, the Good Lord let his only son get nailed to a tree, which
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makes you question the guy's priorities a little, but I stand by my Son
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of God = Big Dick equation. It just makes sense.
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I discussed the whole Jesus thing at some length with my friend
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Jeffie, who helpfully pointed out that if he was on the cross, you
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wouldn't even need bondage gear. I replied, "He'd be nailed in more ways
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than one!" I think this was after I pointed out you wouldn't have to get
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on your knees to blow him if he was on the cross.
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Really, I think the best argument to be made for Jesus is that he's
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so much sexier than all the other religious figures. I mean, Buddha?
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Come on. The triple Goddess goes straight from Maiden to Mother, which
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strongly argues against both birth control and her swinging both ways,
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unless you're taking a very loose definition of Maiden. Kali-Ma's kind
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of sexy, but she's got a reputation for being pretty cruel if you piss
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her off. There's always Satan, but he's been everywhere, so the guy's
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probably an STD paradise. Jesus is the only logical choice.
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Besides, he's a stud.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #270 -- WRITTEN BY: CYN -- 11/4/98 !!
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