255 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
255 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #265 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ===========================================
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: "How To Maintain the Mr. Sensitive !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Persona with the Girl Who Just !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: Shit All Over Your Life" !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: a *purely* fictional tale by Trilobyte !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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You still remember that night. You were sitting in a cafe alone.
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You had been alone for a while, and had no hope of your situation changing
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anytime in the future. You looked about the place, and your eyes connected
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with the eyes of a forlorn girl. Instantly, you were looking for love, and
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she was the one who was going to help you find it. You would be a nice guy
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to her, someone who would be there to listen to her problems and help her
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to find her way through life.
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And yeah, you started dating. You two could turn a boring
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afternoon into a true occasion. She became the most beautiful person in
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the world to you. Yeah, sex was incredible, and you wish you had lots of
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photographs. But now that's all over with, because she decided to take the
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piece of your soul you willingly handed her and wipe her ass with it. She
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did a power-wipe too, one that really cleaned any last organism from her
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ass. Then she took that piece of soul and flushed it down the toilet, and
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it rode the pipeline with her load of shit all the way to the reclamation
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district, where it joined every other useless, smelly, biodegradable,
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unwanted, harmful-bacteria-infested batch of dung disposed of by all humans
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everywhere.
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And there it lays, covered by brown-streaked toilet paper, used
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tampons, and pools of urine and bile. All alone, decaying and rotten, it
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gets trampled all over by her and her new man in their matching black Doc
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Martens. This new man wears all black and hates people. He couldn't be a
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positive influence on her, and he couldn't truly be what she wants.
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So damn it, you want to win her back. How can you do that? Keep
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being Mr. Sensitive! Understand her concerns. Talk to her, listen to
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her, be there for her. Any good loving relationship has to have a quality
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friendship behind it!
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But deciding where to start can be a problem. After all, you
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haven't talked since she exploded your soul with a pipe bomb. You have
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seen each other randomly and only exchanged expressions of "gee, you're
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there." You wish you had exchanged expressions of "Gee, I love you, come
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hold me, let's make things how they used to be." But that was not the
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case.
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So instead of awkwardly acknowledging each other, walk up to her,
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and ask her how she has been doing. An example:
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You: "Hi, GirlX. How are you?"
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GirlX: "I am OK."
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See? That wasn't hard at all! Then continue:
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You: "Please go fetch the last remaining scrap of my life from the
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pulsating globular pits of Norse hell."
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GirlX: "Gladly!"
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Wow! She's even willing to help you. But the conversation could
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take a turn for the worse. For example, maybe you had hoped to drop a
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bombshell on her to catch her off guard, but she brings it up first! Case
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in point:
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You: "What have you been up to lately?"
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GirlX: "Well, I've been watching movies, drinking coffee, fucking the guy
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I was seeing behind your back before you and I broke up."
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You: "Yeah, sure! Fucking lying BITCH. I'll bet you've been fucking that
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guy you were dating before we... oh, wait."
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GirlX: "Yeah."
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That would be an uncomfortable situation that may cause you to
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temporarily pass out. Instead of letting that happen, take control of the
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situation.
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You: "Hey, guess what?"
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GirlX: "What?"
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You: "I've got AIDS!"
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Ooh, the beginning of a truly lively conversation! Let's get back
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into the action:
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GirlX: "WHAT? YOU'VE GOT AIDS? SINCE WHEN?"
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You: "Remember I told you I had a gay uncle?"
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GirlX: "I don't know, I guess.."
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You: "Well, one time when I was eight, I went over to visit him, and
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Freddie Mercury was there and he and I had anal sex!"
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GirlX: "Uhmm."
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You: "And.. yeah! and. umm. yeah, and I got tested, and I had AIDS!"
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GirlX: <gets up and walks away, never to be seen again>
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OK, well maybe the story wasn't very believable. Maybe you should
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look back on the past times you have had together, and think of a funny
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anecdote:
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You: "Remember how you always wondered how I could eat so much and stay so
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thin?"
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GirlX: "Yeah."
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You: "It's because I have Hepatitis!"
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GirlX: "You're shittin' me."
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You: "No! And you've got it too now!"
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GirlX: <breaks down in tears>
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You: <reach around, give her a big hug, get married, die>
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Wasn't that great? Now those were surprise tactics, but what
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happens when we play on the element of fear? All sensitive guys must
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protect a girl from her fears and convince her that everything will be OK.
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Here, you are talking to her from a distance as she is getting in her car
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to go to work. Convince her that she has nothing to worry about, and that
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everything will be fine:
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You: "I didn't just put a bomb in your car."
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GirlX: <boom>
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Oops, looks like she's not going to be able to return the battered
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and bruised life she stole from you, but at least she can't fuck with it
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anymore! Here's another great way you can calm her down, Mr. Sensitive!:
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You: "You know, you've got a lot of time ahead of you. You'll have a lot
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of choices to make and a lot of time to make them in. Someday, you'll
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have steady employment, a nice home, and a great husband to take care
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of you and your kids."
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GirlX: <smiles> "Yeah, I hope so."
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You: "But you have none of that right now, and I thought you should know
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that the last time we had unprotected sex I came 27 times."
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GirlX: <boom>
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Well, she certainly seems to be exploding lots! That doesn't help
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your situation much! What could a sensitive guy do for a demon-spawn girl
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that wouldn't make her explode? I know! Buy her a drink!
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You: "Can I buy you a drink?"
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GirlX: "Sure! How 'bout a large mint mocha?"
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You: <giggle> "I remember you used to like mint mochas a lot."
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GirlX: <smile>
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You: "I'll go get it for you."
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GirlX: <sitting, waiting>
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You: <returning> Here you go, One Mint Mocha.
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GirlX: "Thanks!" <drinks> <chokes> <punches you> "What the hell is this,
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you fucking bastard?"
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You: "That's all the bile that has been piling up in my intestines since
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we broke up! I haven't been able to shit for weeks! You don't know
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how good that felt."
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GirlX: <puffs of smoke coming out of ears> "GrRRrrRRRRrRRrrrrrrrRrRR.
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I JUST DRANK BILE."
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Oh no! Now she's got a problem! C'mon, "Sensitive Guy!' Be
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caring and understanding!
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You: "What's wrong? Don't you like bile?"
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GirlX: "OF FUCKING COURSE NOT I DON'T LIKE BILE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE JESUS
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CHRIST HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE"
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You: "Are you hurt? How do you feel?"
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GirlX: "I FEEL LIKE I'M FUCKING GOING TO VOMIT AND OH MY GOD THAT IS THE
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MOST DISGUSTING GET THAT SHIT OUT OF MY FACE GET IT AWAY FROM ME I
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FUCKING JESUS"
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You: "I know how you feel. Something like that happened to me one time.
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I stopped eating, and I died a few times! Maybe that'll happen to
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you, too! You think? I heard that happened to somebody one time.
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Death." <grabs glass full of bile, with a quick, jerking motion,
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launches it at GirlX>
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GirlX: "AAAAAAAAAHWWWWWWWAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAH"
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You: "Hahahahhahahahahahahhahaha that's the fucking best thing in the
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whole fucking world." <stands up> "Hey everybody, the fucking bitch
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has shit all over her! And she drank it, too! AHAhahHAahaHA"
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GirlX: "AHHAWHWHAHHAHAHWHAHWHAHWHAHAH WHERE'S BASTARDX??!"
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Oh, the missing maniac! BastardX. The boy who made GirlX destroy
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you! You need to be sensitive to GirlX, but you don't have to be
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sensitive to BastardX, unless he's wearing glasses. Be a man! Stand up
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for what you believe in! This is America, land of the freedom to destroy
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all that gets in the way of peace, happiness, and your quest -- the quest
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to recover your untidy soul from the bottomless gulf of human excrement,
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where it was placed by a very sweet girl who turned into a Satanic minion!
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Away! Take care of your problem, young soldier! Kill or be... well,
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you're already dead! Just fucking KILL!
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You: "Grrr. BastardX. No be sensitive BastardX."
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GirlX: <eyes GLARING RED at you> <teeth coming out of her cheeks>
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<looking over at BastardX, who has appeared in the door of the cafe>
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You: "Grrrr. BastardX." <quick and dramatic spin towards BastardX> "You
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die. grrr. Baaaah."
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Oh wait! You forgot! God doesn't like his lambs to be lost. God
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will help you recover your lost soul! God will fight on the side of the
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right! Prepare to be assimilated, BastardX!
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You: "God, go stand over there. Start up a mini-tornado or something."
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God: "Hell jyeah"
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BastardX: "I am BastardX. No God can take down the power of my
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life-destroying capability. The power of Satan is directly
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channeled through my long black pony-tail! With it, I can
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control anyone! Bah hahaha! Bahahaha!"
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God: <spinning up a few mini-tornadoes inside the cafe> "Go for it, You!
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Before his hair gets to me!"
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BastardX: "Don't you know, You? I hate everyone! I wear all black! I
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don't care about you, You! I hate all people! Well, except for
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GirlX, I hate all people! But I don't hate my mom, or my dad!
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Or my grandma, or that old lady at church, but I hate everybody
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else! And my 3rd grade teacher was pretty cool. And I was in
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that band with that one guy and he was alright, too."
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You: <toss group of frogs into tornadoes>
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Frogs: ribbitt <propelled by force of tornadoes' revolution, the frogs
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enter the spin-cycle and then shoot outwards, pelting BastardX with
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Frog-Force.>
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BastardX: "Shit! Frogs! Fuck!"
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You: "Ba hah ahahahah. You cannot defeat me and God. Love is on my side.
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Hating people will get you nowhere, BastardX. Die slowly and
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painfully."
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Sure, that's all fine and dandy, and at least you have shown that
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you are a man. But would you get GirlX back after killing BastardX? I
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don't think so! Ha ha! Maybe this would be a better tactic:
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You: "I was talking to this really great guy the other day. He's just
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like you, and he's really hot, and you should go have sex with him."
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Your mom: "Oh, really? Wow, I've been looking to have an extra-marital
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affair for weeks! What is this guy's name?"
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You: "BastardX."
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Your mom: "Introduce me to him."
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You: <open closet> <untie and unwrap body you stored in there 3 days ago>
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"BastardX, meet my mom. She's going to love you."
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BastardX: "Mmm, hot mama."
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Your mom: <picks up BastardX, takes him to bedroom, seduces him>
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You: <call GirlX on phone> "I have some bad news for you. I'm so sorry,
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my god, I can't believe this happened. I don't know how to tell you."
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GirlX: "What?! What happened?"
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You: "I was out walking around today, and I caught BastardX with another
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woman. God, that hurt so much. But I got it out. That's all that
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matters."
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GirlX: "Oh no! The man I love is seeing another woman! What shall I do?"
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You: "Being a kind and sensitive friend, I believe that you should turn to
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a kind and sensitive friend for guidance and a close, physical
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relationship that could likely lead to marriage."
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GirlX: "I trust you so much, Mr. Sensitive! Who is my most closest
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friend? Why, it's you! Ever since we broke up, I've had no friend
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more sensitive and kind! Would you... like to have a close,
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physical relationship with me that could likely lead to marriage?"
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You: "Yes!"
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GirlX: <drives over, picks you up, takes you to bedroom, seduces you>
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There, that worked out beautifully. After that is all done, make
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sure you get married, and that BastardX is out of the way. Build a shack
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for him out in the woods and hit his head really hard with a big rock a
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few times. Beat that bastard into submission. If all goes well, his
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brain will be mush, and he will opt to live off of fruit and stones for
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the remainder of his pitiful existence.
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Happy ending!
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #265 -- WRITTEN BY: TRILOBYTE -- 11/3/98 !!
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