152 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
152 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
___ ___ ___
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/\ \ /\ \ /\__\ the glorious hogs of entropy
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\:\ \ /::\ \ /:/ _/_ present unto you
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\:\ \ /:/\:\ \ /:/ /\__\ issue #172
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___ /::\ \ /:/ \:\ \ /:/ /:/ _/_
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/\ /:/\:\__\ /:/__/ \:\__\ /:/_/:/ /\__\ >> "The Three Little Wolves
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\:\/:/ \/__/ \:\ \ /:/ / \:\/:/ /:/ / and the Big Bad Pig" <<
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\::/__/ \:\ /:/ / \::/_/:/ / n
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\:\ \ o \:\/:/ / \:\/:/ / t by -> File13
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\:\__\ g \::/ / f \::/ / r
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\/__/ s \/__/ \/__/ o p y -- oink you, pal.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<picture of a wolf in a bikini, "don't i look sexy?">
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Do you remember the three little pigs and the big, bad wolf? What
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the big bad wolf didn't know is that those pigs were babies. They have a
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big, bad cousin. After the wolf incident (he actually ate two of the pigs),
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the one pig left phoned his carnivorous cousin to back him up. They did all
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of this in secret so as not to lead the wolves into suspicion. And this is
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where the story starts.
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The three little wolves lived in small houses on the other side of
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the forest from the pigs. The one remaining pig, and the Big Bad Pig
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(he likes to be called B. B. P.) monitored the wolves. They noticed that
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the wolves weren't very bright.
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<picture of one wolf on fire. "i'm on fire. help!", then one
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approaches carrying gasoline. "i'm coming!" then the house catches on
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fire, too.>
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The wolves were born and raised stupid. They were always building
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new houses, because every time they cooked they burned down their houses.
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Their houses weren't exactly top-notch, either. The first wolf was the
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stupidest. He built his house out of cards. His name was Sigmund.
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<picture of Sigmund by his house of cards with his head on fire. "how
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am i supposed to get in without a door!?">
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The next wolf was a little (and when I say little, i mean *LITTLE*)
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bit smarter than Sigmund. His name was Ralph. He was at the supermarket
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and he saw that staples and paper were on sale, so he bought five dozen
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packs of each. He made a house out of it.
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<picture of "Ralph'z Hous: Cold Beir Inside" Ralph is outside,
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"There's no paint. i guess i'll paint it with gasoline!">
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The last wolf was the best with common sense, but if you met him, you
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would think he's a little off his rocker. He had an imaginary friend named
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Pepe, and he called everyone Steve. He seemed the smartest because he made
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his house out of cardboard. His name was Calvin.
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<picture of Calvin, "meet my friend Pepe, steve." <-- standing
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outside his refrigerator box house>
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From what I've told you, you can understand that the pig was pretty
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confident about getting back at the wolves, so he went into it without a
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plan, not thinking of his one weakness.
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When BBP got there, their houses were on fire (from their cooking, as
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usual). He knew that if he got even close to the fire, he would be bacon.
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He had to make a plan now.
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<picture of all the houses an fire and all the wolves' heads burning>
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He watched the wolves everyday to monitor what they were doing.
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Sigmund usually ate grass in the morning, picked his nose most of the
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afternoon, and counted the cards on his house at night. The house always
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had the same number of cards, but he counted them anyway.
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<picture of Sigmund eating grass. "grass... yummy.">
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Ralph mostly sold rootbeer all day (but he thought it was real beer).
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He sold only to his brothers even though he was open to everyone. He
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thought he didn't have enough advertising, so he put up more signs. The
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only problem is that he put up all the signs in his house, so no one ever
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knew he was selling anything.
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<picture of Ralph's "Beir Stand">
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Calvin had a little bit different day from the other wolves. First
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thing in the morning he gave Pepe a pep talk for the day, because according
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to Calvin, Pepe had emotional problems. He then headed to his winery to
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make wine from celery.
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<picture of Calvin talking to an empty stool: "let's make some wine
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for the gipper, Pepe!">
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He could never make any wine, but he tried every day. He mostly just
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ate the celery and drank pure alcohol.
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<picture of Calvin passed out on the floor>
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BBP planned to go at night while Sigmund was counting the cards on
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his house; Calvin was probably intoxicated, and Ralph was sitting at his
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root "beir" bar. This way he could easily find all the wolves.
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He couldn't figure out who to eat first. sigmund would probably be
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the easiest since all he was doing was counting cards outside. BBP snuck up
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behind him and yelled, "BOO!" Sigmund pissed in his pants. BBP didn't want
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to eat something that tasted like urine, so he made Sigmund take a bath
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while he went over to Calvin's.
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<picture of Sigmund pissing on the ground>
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When he got to Calvin's house, Calvin had a BAC of 0.2. BBP was
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about the devour him when Calvin said, "why don't we go over to Ralph's and
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drink some rootbeer?"
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"Rootbeer," thought BBP. "My one weakness."
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They headed over to Ralph's house, only to find Sigmund pacing in
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front muttering someting about "Big Bad Pig, Big Bad Pig." Calvin convinced
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Sigmund that BBP wasn't going to eat him, and they went inside.
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Ralph was thrilled to have a new customer. The four of them talked
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and soon became good friends. They decided to get together every afternoon
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to drink rootbeer and watch TV.
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The little remaining pig called BBP every day to see if he had
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completed the task.
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<picture of little pig: "killed them yet?">
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BBP had to lied to him every day and say that he was still plotting
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and making plans.
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<picture of BBP: "I have them right where I want them!">
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One day when BBP was with the wolves, they were eating something.
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BBP asked, "What are you eating?"
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Calvin replied, "Nothing, are we, Ralph?"
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Ralph said, "No, nothing, are we, Sigmund?"
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Sigmund just muttered, "Pork rinds, yeah, yeah, pork rinds, yummy."
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BBP went crazy. He ate all three wolves and lived happily ever
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after. The moral of the story is: Don't eat pork rinds in front of a
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carnivorous pig.
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<picture of BBP with his pointed teach showing...drooling at the
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mouth>
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The End.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #172 -- written by File13 -- 12/30/97 *
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