380 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
380 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "I Object! : The Introduction to Being a Lawyer" | |
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| | By: Charlie | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Being a Lawyer is easy. And it pays well too. That's basically all you
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need to know. Thanks to today's world, it doesn't take very much to learn
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how to be one - and with this handy-dandy t-file you'll be one step closer.
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There's really only one major rule that you need to know if you want to
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get into law. Postulate: If you act like you care, but really want money -
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you will be a success. Beyond that we have found that dropping all your
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ethical and moral values also tends to improve a lawyers chance for success
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for some strange reason. We are not here to rag on lawyers, however. We
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are here to help you out on two major things that new lawyers have a problem
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with: Cross-Examination and making Objections.
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- %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - WARNING - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% -
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HOE assumes no liability for the outcome of cases presented
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or using any of the educational material presented in this file.
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The user accepts all responsibility and fees from any cases
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presented.
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- %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - WARNING - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% - %%% -
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The Rules for Cross-Examination
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Cross-Examination is something that all superior lawyers
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will eventually need to learn in their lives. Usually. It's
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actually incredibly easy to do, and here are some basic rules and
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examples of what to do when you are cross-examining someone. I do
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it all the time. The Mailman, the Neighbors, and the Newspaper boy
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all get it from me.
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(1) Be an Asshole
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-------------
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Everyone fears an asshole. Be one. All you have to do is think out
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everything and be real confident. Not a problem, huh? There's
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nothing more scary than a lawyer that is prepared for anything. If
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you don't put up with any shit from the witness and aren't afraid to
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tap into their life in any way if need be, you're on your way. This
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is the most important step!
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: ummmmmmm... What were we talking about? Do you like my rug?
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*The Right Way*
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Witness: Who do you think you are questioning my personal life?
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You: Me? I graduated from Harvard Law School in 1975. Graduated in
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top 5% of my class. Honors in federal and civil protection law.
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Interned at the law firm of _H & R Block_, where I set the
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company record for most money stolen from clients. I am now a
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member of the California bar, next in line for the OJ Simpson
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defense team. And just what exactly have you done with your life,
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besides wasting my time?
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(2) All witnesses are bastards
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--------------------------
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Know the probable answer to your questions before you ask. All
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witnesses want to do is damage your case to help their story out.
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They suck. Know EXACTLY what you are going to ask a witness ahead
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of time and EXACTLY what point you want to make. It's not a time
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to poke around for new information for curiosity. That can end up
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damaging you. Remember also, that the point of all this is not to
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get out the truth (Hey, Who needs THAT!?)...the point is to win your
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case!
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: Hey. How's it going?
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Bob: Fine. And you?
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You: Just dandy. SSsssay! You wouldn't happen to know who the
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murderer was would you???
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Bob: Shure I do. It was your client.
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You: DOH!
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*The Right Way*
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You: So, Mr. Bob... You aren't sure if it WAS in fact my client, do
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you? You do realize the possibility that it was a look-alike,
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don't you?
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Bob: DOH!
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(3) Pay Attention To What Is Going On Around You
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--------------------------------------------
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It wouldn't do to have a witness confess to the crime your client
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is accused of, and you missed it because you were too busy taking a
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nap! (Or listening to headphones) It is crucial that you listen to
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what the witness is saying, even if he isn't yours! Crucial details
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are often told by a witness without even realizing it, it's up to
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YOU to find them.
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: And just what race was the assailant?
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Witness: He was white.
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You: And just what race is my client?
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Witness: He looks black to me.
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You: Oh. Oh well. Your witness.
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*The Right Way*
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You: And how did you fill out your 1040 form?
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Witness: With a pencil.
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You: With a pencil? With a pencil! Isn't it true that you do not, in
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fact, own a pencil in your home? Why are you lying?
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(4) Avoid philosophical discussions with the witness
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While everyone loves a good argument, especially in court, (you're
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getting paid by the hour, remember), it doesn't do to get TOO far
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off the topic and start arguing with the witness over something
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rather inconsequential, like God or somethin'.
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*The Wrong Way*
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Witness: Look, your client was attacking me with a rifle, and I was
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worried for my life. What do you want me to do? Get myself
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shot? God forbid something like that should happen to my
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family.
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You: God? Are you a religious man? Are you saying that my client's
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*alleged* attack on you was caused by divine intervention, and
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he was therefore not responsible for his actions? Are you saying
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that all of us have our future's preordained by some omnipotent
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being? Do you think that we have no choice, no freedom to
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construct our own stability in the chaos of the universe? What
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is chaos, anyway?
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*The Right Way*
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Witness: Look, man, all I did was shoot the prick. He pissed me off,
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okay? Look, he was just some stupid motherfucker and I put
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him out of his misery, okay!?
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You: Well, when you put it that way, I guess you're right. All
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charges dropped, Your Honor.
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(5) Don't let witnesses explain things on their own
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This can be disastrous for you, especially with a hostile witness.
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Most witnesses are just looking for an opportunity to put in their
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own little details that can destroy your case. Under no circumstances
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should you leave an open-ended question hanging for a witness to
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destroy you.
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: Now, Mr. Reynolds, would you please describe just how
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*supposedly* my client attacked you?
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Witness: Well, he came up to me with a gun. Pointed it at my leg.
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Shot me. Took my money. Smiled, and left.
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You: DOH!
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*The Right Way*
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You: Now, Mr. Reynolds. Did my client approach you at night?
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Witness: Well, yes he d-
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You: How did he approach you?
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Witness: Well he sort of-
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You: Sort of? Sort of? Come now, Mr. Reynolds, can't you be more specific?
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Witness: Well, he was walking towards me and -
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You: I see. He was walking towards you. And is that a crime?
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Witness: Well, no, but then he-
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You: We're not talking about that now, Mr. Reynolds, we're talking about
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then.
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Witness: I know that, but you're not letting me explain what really hap-
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You: I think we know all that we need to know now. Your witness.
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(6) Don't let the witness take charge
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Remember, you are the one in control here. Make sure that you keep
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control of the witness and that it is you who steers the conversation
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to where YOU want, not where the witness wants to take it.
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: But it seems like it was awfully dark for you to be able to
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identify my client as the assailant so surely.
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Witness: Have you ever been attacked?
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You: Me? No.
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Witness: Well, I have, and let me tell you I don't ever want to
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repeat it.
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You: Well, I can certainly understand that.
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Witness: Can you? I don't think so. Oh, you seem *so* sure of
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yourself in your Brooks Brothers suit and your fancy car and
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your Harvard degree, but when it comes to punishing the real
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criminals in this town, you hide behind all of that and let
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us common people deal with the problems that you rich folk
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just don't want to handle. Isn't that true?
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You: Well, I... I mean that is... But I didn't...
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Witness: Of course you didn't. You didn't do anything. That's the
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problem. Not doing anything. I think I proved my point.
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Your witness.
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*The Right Way*
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You: I call Mr. Adams to the stand.
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<Witness approaches stand>
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You: SIT DOWN!
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<Witness sits>
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You: State your name.
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Witness: Um, Mr. Douglas Adams, but my friends call me Doug.
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You: Your Honor, I move that the reply "um" and "my friends call me
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Doug" be stricken from the record, and the jury be instructed
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to ignore those completely irrelevant topics.
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Witness: DOH!
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You: Your Honor, I move that....
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(7) Stop!
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-----
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Be sure that you can resist the temptation to charge your client that
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extra dollar by carrying out a cross-examination just a little too
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long. Remember, you're not there to impress your client, but the
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jury. Be sure to stop yourself from straying too far from the topic
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and boring everyone in the courtroom.
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*The Wrong Way*
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You: And just how did my client approach you?
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Witness: He walked up to me.
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You: And just how did he walk up to you? Did he saunter?
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Witness: No, I wouldn't say so.
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You: Would you call it a swagger?
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Witness: No, not really.
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You: Well, did he jog?
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Witness: No! Is there a point to this?
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You: I'm the one asking the questions! (See lesson #6)
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[three hours later.....]
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You: So tell me, do you think that the Eagles should keep Cunningham
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another year? Or should they trade him for a draft pick and go
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with someone new?
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Witness: Well, just look at his stats. Except for this year, he's
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almost undefeated at home, and his touchdown to
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interception ratio is...
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Judge: <Yawn> <blink, blink>
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Jury: <snore>
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Jury2:<scratch>
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Jury3:No, no! Dump Cunningham and keep Brister!
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Jury4: What are you talking about? Cunningham has the best record...
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*The Right Way*
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You: Please state your name.
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Defendant: Archie Bunker.
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You: Did you commit this crime?
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Defendant: No.
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You: Your witness.
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The Rules for Objection
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Objecting is an essential part of any lawyers career. Here are some rules:
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(1) Know your objections
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It's easy to forget one, but you'd best learn to not.
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It would be just plain stupid to stop yourself from objecting
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because you forgot it's name. Of coarse it's even more stupid
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to not even be aware if something can be objected to.
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*Example*
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You: Your Honor! I Object! That comment...it was...it was.....
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wait! Don't tell me... I know it....
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Here is a quick list of Objections:
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(a) Here say - When the witness quotes anyone other than the two
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parties.
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(b) Asked and Answered - A total redundant thingie.
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(c) Leading the Witness - This is okay for Cross-X, but it's when a
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lawyer basically forcefully draws
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conclusions for their client to just say
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"yes" or "no" to.
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(d) Badgering - When you're being a dick
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(e) Irrelevant - When your line of questioning is pointless
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(2) Don't make up objections
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If you don't think something is right...it might be just
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be something that is covered by another objection.
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*Example*
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You: Your Honor, I object! That comment was way too Metaphysical!
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(3) Don't object too much
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If you do, you'll be a pain in the ass. The Jury will think
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you're an insecure "un-hip" lawyer. It'll cause everyone to think you
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are delaying the "progress" that they (for some reason) expect to take
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place in the court room.
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*Example*
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Lawyer: Please state your name for the record.
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You: I object, Your Honor! The witness's name is completely
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irrelevant!
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Lawyer: Alllllllright... Um, I guess I withdraw that question. Um,
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you are a relative of the defendant, are you not?
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You: Objection! Asked and answered!
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Lawyer: <sigh> Ok. I withdraw that as well. Can you please describe
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what transpired on that fateful evening?
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You: Objection, Your Honor! Calls for the witness to draw a
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conclusion.
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Lawyer: Do you mind?!
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You: Objection, Your Honor! Prosecution is badgering the defense
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counsel!
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(4) Don't object too little
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Sitting around and not objecting for no reason is dumb.
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There's nothing that makes you look more like a moron if there's
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something obviously objectable happening and you miss it.
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*Example*
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Lawyer: Mr. Jones, you heard the policeman scream at the Defendant
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"you dirty rodent!", didn't you?
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You: zzzzzzzz...
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Jury1: Hey! That's here say!
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Jury2: Yeah, and that's leading the Witness too!
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You: DOH!
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This concludes the tutorial for you young aspiring lawyers!
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Good luck and be sure to talk about the Hogs of Entropy in
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the Court room. It wins points with MOST judges. Really!
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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| _____ Call Goat Blowers Anonymous for the LATEST HOE! _____ |
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| 6/ ^..^ (215) 750 - 0392 ^..^ \9 |
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| \_____(oo) This Issues Featured Support Board is: (oo)_____/ |
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| WW WW Mind's Mire WW WW |
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| (514) 931 - 1423 |
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| ...the kings of modern goofiness... |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Charlie #55 --> 02/05/95
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All rights Reserved.
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