251 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
251 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
_.---[ EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD ]----------------------------._
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/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
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| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
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| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
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| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
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| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
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| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
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| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
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| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
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| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
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| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
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| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
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| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
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| | | |
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\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
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`------------------------------------------------------[ Special ]---'
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----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue # 146 -----
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----- release date: 05-05-05 -----
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
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changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
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get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
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American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is continuing in its self-proclaimed
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role as THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE. This here is the third installment,
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aptly titled,
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"EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD STAR WARS Special."
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The stuff in this file is from a few sources. No copyright infringement is
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intended. We merely feel that this stuff is worthy of preservation. Authors
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are credited where we know who wrote this stuff. For posterity, my friends,
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we're saving this crap for posterity.
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It should be noted that the content of this issue of THE GwD STAR WARS SPECIAL
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is much more cynical and jaded than the last two. That is largely due to the
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fact that we haven't been inundated with Star Wars-related forwards this time.
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That's also due to the fact that many of us have a love-hate relationship with
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Lucas's creation.
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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<- CONTENTS ->
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I. GENERAL STAR WARS
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a. 'fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars and George Lucas'
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b. 'JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE
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II. EPISODE THREE
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a. 'Star Wars Episode III Trailer by Jaffo'
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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-=> I. GENERAL STAR WARS <=-
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---------------------
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-> a. fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars
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fj: Well, I did go into an hour long rant yesterday at work about my problems
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with timeline continuity in Star Wars between EP 3 and EP 4. It was
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baaaaaaaad. I used words like "canon" and "dilution of the brand if the Zahn
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books get made into film". I mean bad. I stopped at one point and went "What
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the hell did I just say?"
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LL: <laughs> I think the probability of making the zahn books into films
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approaches zero. Also, I read that there's going to be 2 Star Wars tv series
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(serieses?), both of which (I think) take place between ep3 and 4. Though I
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could be full of shit about the books. And about the shows.
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fj: Yeah. Those shows would, in my opinion, blast the timeline further.
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However, as I keep saying, my relationship is like a wife who gets beat. I'll
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just keep going back.
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LL: That's really bad. But funny.
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fj: Well, it's true. No matter how bad the films, I keep going back. I
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mean, it's Star Wars. I remember that when EP 1 came out, it was on my
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birthday, I had just split up with Nicole for the 1st time. Work sucked.
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Life sucked. And I went with the assumption that it would be good based on
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the trailers. Then, I watched a goddamn 7 hour race and was introduced to
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"midicholrians". Whack, right in the eye. And yet, when EP2 came out I said
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"I fell into a doorknob. I just want to be with George again."
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LL: <laughs>
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fj: These are the conversations my GF should never be privy to.
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LL: You're probably right. So, maybe you shouldn't tell her about this
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stuff.
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fj: <laughs> You know, that's the best part. I joke about being a closet
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geek, but later I tell her about it. She thinks I'm 1.) Hilarious. 2.)
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Insane. She seems to be down with my nerdy stylee.
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LL: Yeah, my wife is cool like that, too...definitely down with my nerd/geek
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stuff.
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fj: A rare quality, to be sure.
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LL: Indeed. Lucky fellows are we.
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-----
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-> b. JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE:
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[Just to prove that we aren't totally cynical, we're including this tidbit we
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found that doesn't assume that Episode III will suck OR compare Star Wars
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addiction to an abusive relationship. -Ed.]
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1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station
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Wagon"
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In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the
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Millenium Falcon."
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2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often
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looked at as bad and sinful;
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In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and
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the way of the just Jedi Knight.
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3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
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crazy;
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In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
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galactic ambassadors.
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4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are
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considered tacky and queer;
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In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all.
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5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors,
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toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea;
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In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.
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6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by
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backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot"
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and "Sasquatch";
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In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and
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have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry
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formidable weaponry
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7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children;
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In Star Wars, children do not exist.
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8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of
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others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and
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college profs.;
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In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language
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barriers.
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9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society;
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In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and
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has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female
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dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.
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10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things
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like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo;
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In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.
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11. In real life, some people are complete losers;
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In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.
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12. In real life, people sometimes smell;
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In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower.
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MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU...
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Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
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Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
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submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
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IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html
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This is Mac. \\\\|////
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He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
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Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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-=> II. EPISODE THREE <=-
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------------------
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-> "Episode III Trailer" by Jaffo
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The Star Wars Episode III Trailer is out, and it basically gives away
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everything.
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I am consumed by anticipation and dread, as I wait for George Lucas to piss
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away the last of my childhood memories.
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We know it's going to suck; the rest is only a matter of degree.
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My expectations have been spun so low at this point, I was actually impressed
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by what I saw in the trailer. Not by the plot, which is certainly a lost
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cause, but by the visuals, which are even cooler than I thought they would be.
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I saw that trailer and thought, "Wow. I can't wait for the video game."
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Jedi and Sith and Clone Troopers in all colors of the rainbow. Magnificent
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set pieces and special effects that drop like candy from a digital pinata.
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This movie is a two-hour music video composed by George Lucas and John
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Williams. If I start practicing now, I should be able to ignore the plot
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completely.
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I'm excited about the Star Wars films, not for what they are now, but for what
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I imagine they will be, in the interdeterminate future when Lucas is dead. I
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want to write novels about an alternate Star Wars universe where Anakin
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Skywalker was never born.
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I want to see the movies that should have been made in the past ten years.
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Basically, Lucas gave in to his worst instincts and ignored the human element
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that made his films such a success.
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I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. These films should have been
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about the life of Han Solo, the rise and fall of an Imperial Officer, driven
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by conscience, and the love of a Wookiee, to turn away from his government
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and strike out on his own.
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Forget all this Jedi crap and send the Brits back to London. That's the story
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I want to see.
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Fortunately, someone has already written a great story in the Star Wars
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universe. It's call Knights of the Old Republic, and a sequel is on the
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way...
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George Lucas may not know how to handle his universe, but Obsidian does, and
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the future belongs to the fans.
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- http://www.michaelduff.net/ -
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of
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Lucasfilm Ltd.
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If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived
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soul who should kindly fuck off.
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Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission,
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but since this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to
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sue us, would it?
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So there. SO THERE. CHACH.
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Despite all of this, Star Wars is cool and it always will be.)
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\____________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
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Issue#146 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
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distributed MMV GwD Publications /---------------\
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copyright (c) MMV Original Authors-no infringement intended :HUMANITY SUCKS.:
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presented by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
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Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
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FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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