104 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
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w _____ ____ 1 333 4 "Remembering Porkins" w
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D // | \ 11 3 44 by Ciacco the Hog D
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* || ____ | || | 1 333 444 *
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G || || \ / | || | 1 3 4 issue #134 of "GwD: The American Dream G
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w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 334 4 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
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[Fair use. Fair use indeed.]
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In 1977, movie audiences were charmed by the lovable Jek Porkins, the
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fattest, and consequently shortest lived X-Wing pilot in the Deathstar Battle
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in _Star Wars: A New Hope_. For 25 years now, one question has dominated any
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Star Wars discussion: Where is Jek Porkins now? I was able to track down
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William Hootkins, the man behind the fat, at his LA home. He was gracious
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enough to grant me an interview, his first in 25 years. What follows is
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probably the most rewarding interview of my career, so sit back with some EZ
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Cheese and prepare to relive the magic. (Eating noises and girlish giggles
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from when I poked his fat have been edited out of this transcript.)
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Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to talk
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to me.
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Porkins: No problem. Can I offer you something to eat?
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Ciacco: No thanks; I ate before the interview
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Porkins: Me too. I think I am going to order a pizza.
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Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, can you tell me how you landed the role as Porkins?
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Porkins: Well that's a funny story. I wasn't actually at the 20th Century Fox
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studios to audition, I just heard that they had hors d'oeuvres.
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While I was stuffing my face, a woman came up to me and said, "you
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must be here to audition for the fat X-Wing pilot." Then she grabbed
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me by the arm as I tried to stuff more tasty treats into my pocket
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and led me into a room with George Lucas and a few others. I sat down
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in a chair and talked to Lucas about various snack foods for a while.
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He was very thin at the time, but now you can see what a 25-year
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friendship with me can do. Anyway, he sounded fairly interested in
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putting me in the movie, but it wasn't until I was leaving that he
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was completely convinced.
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Ciacco: What happened?
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Porkins: Well, I tried to get out of my chair but I was stuck between the
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armrests so I uttered something like "I've got a problem here."
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Lucas smiled and the rest is history.
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Ciacco: Wow! That's a great story. As a morbidly obese man, did you object
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to your character being named Porkins?
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Porkins: No, I thought it was great. In fact after the movie, I sent off for a
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form to legally change my name to Porkins, but when the form arrived
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I was so hungry that I ate it. Anyway, I think it was great being a
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role model to fat children everywhere. Star Wars has a great
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message: you don't have to be thin or in shape to be in the
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military.
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Ciacco: A role model? But you were the first to die in the attack, and now
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that I think about it, I'm not even really sure how you died. I
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mean, it didn't show you getting shot or anything.
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Porkins: Nevertheless, it was a great triumph for fat people, and it really
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opened up my movie career.
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Ciacco: Oh really? What movies have you been in since then?
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Porkins: Well none so far, but George is going to start filming Episode 3 in a
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few months and I am sure Porkins will be in it.
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Ciacco: Uhh. Yeah, I'm sure he will. But even if he is, he would be a boy in
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the prequel. You know they take place years before the original
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trilogy, right?
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Porkins: Hey, I found half a sandwich between the cushions of the couch. It's
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a little moldy, but still looks tasty.
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Ciacco: Ok...well, I think I am going to go now, thanks for your time and
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good luck to you. In your honor I will rename my gut from Nigel to
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Porkins.
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Porkins: Hey I think the pizza man is at the door, can you let him in as you
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leave? I think I am stuck between the armrests of the couch.
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Ciacco: sure..
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[Yes, we know that Mr. Hootkins has indeed been in other films. Likewise, no
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offense was meant to fat people. Ciacco is a big fan and is currently
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endeavoring to become one of them. And yes, this is likely one of the most
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offensive files GwD has ever released.]
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
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Issue#134 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
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copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Ciacco the Hog/GwD Publications /---------------\
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copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
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a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
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Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
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FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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