98 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
98 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Stirring my anxiousness
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-----------------------
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---I---
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Fuck, I'm feeling weird right now. It's not my nerves, it's anxiousness; I'm
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as anxious as hell right now.
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This is just great, i feel like writing but at the same time the words are
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being elusive. There are far too many thoughts, and they are passing by way to
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fast for me to write them down, or even identify or know what the hell they
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are about, for that matter. Must be I'm going insane and i haven't noticed
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yet.. and if i did go insane, would i know it? as far as i know i might be
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a nutcase right now.
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I'm in need of hate right now. I wish i knew why, i just feel like i
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need to feel hated by someone out there. I wanna annoy the living hell out
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of whomever, just for kicks. Or maybe it's just that i want somebody to
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feel something, _anything_ at all towards me.. and hate looks like a very
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good option at the time; it's like wishing someone would come up and
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beat the shit out of me for no reason.
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----II----
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[Just found this file sitting on the HD, and i thought id try to finish it
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right now. That's the reason of the division. Can't really remember when i
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wrote that first part, but it must've been more than a month ago. In any
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case...]
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From time to time i get that strange feeling.. something snaps on my head
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and the next thing i want is to feel hate towards me, it doesn't matter
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who you are, it's some sort of wild drive that prompts me to offend you,
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insult you, mock you, make the most acidic/sarcastic comments i can come
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up with in whatever situation i am, all of that backed up by a sense of
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'whatthefuck' so i basically feel free to say whatever i please.
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Anxiousness. That was what i was ranting about at the beginning of this
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file. The fun part of it is that it can be dealt with by taking a simple
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pill, like a Xanax or whatnot. But i'd rather not, it's not that it won't
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make me feel better because i know it will, the thing is i want to deal
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with it myself, of course there are times when it feels unbearable and i
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do take one, but i'm afraid of creating an addiction. I mean, come on. This
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thing _will_ make me feel better and therein lies part of the problem,
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i know myself well enough to know i could get hooked on it.
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Anyone out there knows what the hell dysthimia (sp?) is? last year (i
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think) some neurologist said i had that. According to him it was having
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one's anxiousness level above normal, guess i should go to the local
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library and find more about it.. *shrug*.
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Being anxious can make you act in some really funny ways, well, i make fun
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of it, as i do with almost everything else, because it's me the one fucked
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up.
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Describing how i get wouldn't help my cause that much, probably because
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not everyone reacts the same as me, so while there were moments when i
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would go out and feel completely and absolutely out of place, would feel
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like throwing up or fainting, that would be just me. We're not all the
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same (thankfully).
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I'm not complaining though. I have it easier when compared with depressed
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people, and i'm not dissing them cause i've been there, too. It's just that
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sometimes people don't know how shitty it gets when you're anxious. And
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i'm not even gonna touch the topic of panic attacks, although i've never
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had one, i think i have an idea of how bad it can get cause of my
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anxiousness. That and i've read the symptoms of such an attack (a panic
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one) and as i've read them i'd go 'check... check... nope... check...
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nope'.
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Maybe my anxiousness is the one making me wanting to give and feel
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hate from time to time, or maybe it's the real me that wants to come
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out from time to time. But i'd rather not think about it right now.
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I'm getting butterflies in my stomach....
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.shyguy
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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