92 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
92 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Normality of Rage
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Rage. There's such an ineffable ambivalence about rage... It's almost as
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alluring as it is repulsive... Or perhaps that's just me? I don't know...
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Most of the time, I feel like it's only natural for a human being to
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spend most of their life in an outraged despair feeling like a drowning,
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trapped sewer rat, but...well, but most people who I talk to seem to
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think otherwise. What is normal? If that's not it, then I don't know what
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it is. I can't imagine going through life without a complete
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hopeless-panic hybrid stepping in at regular intervals to make everything
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uncomfortable and dissatisfying. I'm not trying to procure any solace,
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and I'm not trying to jerk any tears (there are better stories for that
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than any that I have anyway)... I'm just telling it like it is. I really
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can't imagine that anyone goes through their life looking forward to the
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new day for any other reason than that it marks the end of the past day.
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Is that normal? I don't know. I really don't know anymore, and I don't
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think I ever did...
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I often feel so inundated with rage and contempt that I just want someone
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to start a fight with me - mind you, I've never been in a fight before -
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just so that I could beat the shit out of something. In fact, half of my
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daydreams are of people pulling me away from a bloodied and disheveled
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asshole on the ground so that I don't kill him. Why the other people to
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pull me away? I think that some foresight-bearing vestige of my mind
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knows that I wouldn't want murder or manslaughter charges, and I would
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NOT want to end up in a mental institution for life, but...well, I often
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wonder if I wouldn't kill someone outright if I got the chance. I'm not
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sure that I could stop myself once it started.
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That's not to say serial killings or premeditation of any vast,
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convoluted plots to make incisive blows against selected people, but
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more...well, more of just a "crime of passion" thing. I'm not sure that
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once I let the hate pour out, that it could stop until I quenched my
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thirst for blood. Sometimes, I just want to bite into another's flesh and
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tear chunks out with my teeth. I guess I almost feel like that would
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satisfy the rage better; that it'd be a more effective floodgate to let
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some of the pressure out. Or maybe it's just the ancient, hand-me-down
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animal blood trying to remind me how it always worked before it got
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trapped inside these ridiculous, ostentatious bipeds who try most
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moronically to solve their disputes with blue uniforms and other bipeds
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behind large desks who have hammers used not to smash the offenders, but
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to sound off on their desk so inefficaciously. Not to be trite or banal,
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but...perhaps it's the "Call of the Wild", trying to tell me that I
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should use my body and just kill, rather than relying on any human
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weapons, either direct or indirect. Or maybe I just feel that I could
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clench my teeth much better than my fists around a throat; that it could
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be much more effectively destructive than any punches, pushes or kicks
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that I could throw at my foe...
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It's an odd balance... I both can understand and see the pain for any one
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person, and want to reach out to them with hands that I don't have; hands
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that would alleviate all that's wrong in their life - and then, I want to
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kill most people, and find a scapegoat to take the place of those whom I
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could never kill... I'm not so sure I could kill anyone. But if someone
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riled me enough....I just don't know what would happen. It could be...it
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could be bad. I dunno, I guess I'll see....
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I dunno, whatever. I mean, it's just kinda been there, and it'll probably
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remain. And that's okay, 'cuz this is normal............isn't it?
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- agrajag
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http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Club/1610/Dep.html
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.sekurity.org/~fuck (temp down) =
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= http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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