94 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
94 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Afraid of the Ball
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I remember age 10, playing kickball at the
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playground.
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I was picked last for the team, since I was neither
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popular nor normal. The freshly mowed grass tickled
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my allergies, and I wanted nothing more than to
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plant my admittedly chubby butt in a swing and finish
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reading Romeo and Juliet while I gently rocked back
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and forth on the swingset. I was way out in the
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field because I was afraid of the ball. I swore
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to myself that the ball was naturally attracted
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to my bulky frame through some gravitational trick
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that could only be explained with a complex physics
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formula, since I always managed to get slammed in
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the face with it at least once in every game. I
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didn't want to admit to myself that the magic was
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probably the result of malicious intent from my
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playmates. So I stood there, hands slightly curled
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at my sides, waiting for the inevitable long kick
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perpetrated by one of the more athletic boys with
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a mean frown etched into his forehead. It came,
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and even as I winced I raised my hands to catch
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the orange projectile aimed right at me. Instead
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it slammed me in the gut, and all of the air in
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my lungs was expelled in one microsecond, and I
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doubled over trying desperately to force oxygen
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into my constricted throat, my wounded diaphragm
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struggling to operate my lungs.
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I didn't cry. Not in front of them. I was
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afraid of the ball, and it had hurt me, and I
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couldn't trust it. At that point I realized that
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I was being abused because of who I was, and that
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there was no computational conspiracy against me.
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Once I reached the point where I could elect my gym
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classes, I always chose non team sports. Diving,
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swimming, running.. As long as there wasn't a ball,
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and the only person I had to count on was myself,
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I wasn't afraid.
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Now I am older and less physically repugnant. Nothing
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has changed. I am still afraid of the ball, afraid
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of getting hurt, and nothing about the way I am
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treated by anyone who supposedly cares about me has
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proven me wrong. Yet. The glimmer of hope that I
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secure within myself fades a little more each time
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my parents decide to apologize for offering
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assistance, or someone I love betrays me. It happens
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more often than I care to admit. I dared a few to
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toss me a good one, but I always end up 10 again, struggling
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to breathe through the pain, cursing myself for offering
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anyone the opportunity to injure me. But I plow on,
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fingers slightly curled at my sides, waiting to catch
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the next ball - one that will float as if by prophecy
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into my waiting hands and nestle securely into my
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palms. Someday soon, though, I will no longer stand
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in readiness. Instead I will turn and walk away,
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avoidance as armor.
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demonika
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demonika@demonic.com
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW *** http://www.sekurity.org/~fuck *** =
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= http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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