140 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
8.4 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Gramps
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------
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"Beep, beep...[long pause] beep"
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That was what i heard when they connected gramps to a monitor to check his
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heart. An uneven rhythm, i was scared. i knew it had to happen someday, but..
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now? why?
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To say the truth, we never thought gramps was going to be one of the last
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to go. My grandma left first, and so did my other grandpa. And we never
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imagined that. Grandpa had a stroke about 4 or 5 years ago, i cant remember
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exactly when. After that one half of his body was paralyzed, he couldn't
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move, hardly speak, and we all were crushed. He was just fine the night
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before that, just fine. Grandma said that they went to bed, and the next
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day when she tried to wake him up he wouldn't wake, and then he rolled him
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over and saw this wicked face gramps had. He was in the hospital for some
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time, the Doc is saying that they didn't know if he was going to make it or
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not, but he did. He went back home, half the man he used to be, paralyzed.
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In a wheelchair; babbling, not speaking; undertaking physical therapy, not
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waking up everyday with the energy he always had, he was old, but full of
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energy. After that incident nothing was the same.. well, how could it be.
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Heh.
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Grandma. I loved her. And lemme tell you here that i was the biggest
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motherfuckin asshole in the whole fucking world with her. In some way i
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think i betrayed her, now ill never know.. She always took care of gramps,
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till she began to get ill herself, she began having difficulty breathing.
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Emphysema, the doctor said.
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I have one image burned in my brain that will stay forever, that of grandma
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one day gramps got sick and we thought that 'the day' had arrived, so to
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speak. Of course gramps was just pulling our leg. But anyway, i had to stay
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with grandma, and she was all nervous; she always got all nervous when
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gramps got sick. She was scared of him dying, i guess. I stayed with her
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trying to make her feel better, if possible, and she started to cry on my
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shoulder while saying "My husband.. my Augusto". That picture will always
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be with me.
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Why i betrayed her? That's kinda easy to answer. I never wanted to see grandma
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or gramps after they got sick. I dunno, maybe i didn't want to see gramps cuz
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i didn't like how he was, or i was scared. I dunno. I wish i could say that
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they lived far from here, but it wasn't that way, either. They lived on an
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apartment on the 2nd floor, while i lived on the 5th floor. We had lived
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together for more than 15yrs in the same house before we moved, but now i
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wouldn't go down 3 floors to see her. Asshole. She knew i didn't like to see
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gramps, i hope she understood, even tho i don't quite get it myself..
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Fast forward, i don't want to get you that bored. Maybe ill delve into that
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some other day.
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I guess it was a good thing that grandma left us first. She wouldn't have
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made it if gramps had gone first, that would've been too much for her. An
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emphysema, however, was not the way for her to leave; i don't think so.
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She couldn't breathe. i've read its akin to inhaling deeply, and without
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exhaling, try to breathe again. Tried it yet? just try it a couple times.
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Now imagine living like that. Or clinging to life like that, i should say.
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Mom woke me up at 600am to tell me grandma had died. I was expecting it in
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a way, but i didn't get to see her the day before she passed away. I still
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am asking myself why didn't i go see her the night before.. why? i knew she
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was gonna go soon.. yet i didn't.. That must've been 3 or so years ago.
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After that, something really weird happened in my family, it was as if
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everybody was dying. I don't know how many relatives died after grandma, but
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i know it was more than 6, it was weird. Yet gramps was holding his ground.
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My other grandpa would go first. He was one healthy man, too. He was working
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until he went to the Doc cuz he was coughing a lot. Lung cancer. Advanced
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lung cancer. God, one has to wonder how the fuck cancer gets around the human
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body that fast. It was as if something was draining all the life from him.
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After just a couple weeks he needed oxygen, and when i went to see him he
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looked like grandma. Only worse. He went fast, too. Grandpa? he was ok then.
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He'd scare us occasionally, but nothing big. By now he wasn't even
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communicating anymore. He didn't recognize people, not his sons, not anyone.
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We thought he had alzheimer's disease, but later we figured out that he had
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probably had another stroke, since he got into the hospital and got out
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worse, that's the only thing we can think of. I can babble some more about
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what happened during that time, but i wont. Lets just say that he was doing
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ok, he'd scare us and wed take him to the hospital, until that time that i
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mentioned above when he checked out worse that he went in. Things got worse
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then, mom knew something was wrong, and so did i. Gramps was gonna go soon,
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we knew it. I knew it.
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One night, a Sunday, mom came here and told me gramps was sick, that he
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couldn't breathe well, and that she was calling the hospital. After she
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called she went downstairs to check on him again. I didn't know what to do
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then, i doubted for a second, then i went downstairs too. I went in gramps
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room, and there he was. I remember standing there, looking at him silently,
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not saying a word. I was shocked, i hadn't seen him in months, i didn't know
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he was that bad, or that he looked that bad, for that matter. Next thing i
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know tears were rolling down my face, i never thought id see my grandpa,
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my abuelito, like that. His face, his body.. he was thin, skin and bone.
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Nothing but that, his look.. he wasn't looking at anything, his eyes were
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wide open, but he wasn't staring at anything at all. Mom told me he hadn't
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had closed his eyes in hours. Hours. However nothing had prepared me for
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what i heard when he exhaled. After he exhaled there was this gurgling
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sound coming out of his lungs, they say they were full of phlegm, hence
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the sound. After about half an hour an ambulance came to pick up gramps
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and take him to the hospital.
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"Its ok, you're gonna be ok, you can stop fighting now" Were my last words
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to him before they took him to the hospital. I wish he could've understood
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me, but he was unconscious by then, he probably had been for the last
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hours. He never got out. It was a Thursday, they said he died at 730am.
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I wish i would've spent more time with my grandparents when they needed
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me, both my gramps and my grandma. They were there for me whenever i needed
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them, always there for me. But i never was there for them when they needed
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some attention, when i was supposed to pay back what they have given me,
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and now i will never get to thank them, or to tell them that i love them.
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I wont have a chance to fix that. Maybe you will, lucky you.
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I miss my grandparents.
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-sg
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