119 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
119 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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body image
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I think I am fat. Everyone who knows me insists that
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this is not the case, that I 'look fine'. I am 5'2"
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and I weigh 128 lbs. I have 9% body fat, which, to the
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uninformed, means that I am more muscular than most
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women in the United States. I eat 800 calories or less
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per day. I think about every morsel that enters my mouth
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and imagine the fat growing on my hips and thighs. I
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know how many calories are in a postage stamp. I am
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anorexic with bulimic tendencies, and have been since I
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was 12 years old. I am 22 now.
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When an anorexic looks in a mirror, she does not see
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what is there. When my ribs were poking out and I could
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see the outlines of my intestines on my tummy, I would
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pinch the skin on my inner thigh and resolve to eat
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less and work out more. I needed to get rid of the fat.
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It doesn't matter what you say to an anorexic. She will
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always think she is fat, and she always will.
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Most of my friends assume that I am healthy now, simply
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because I don't look anorexic. This is not the case. If
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I eat a piece of pizza, I starve myself for the next 2
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days in an effort to undo the damage. On Saturdays, when
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I go out drinking, I do not eat because I know I will be
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consuming too many calories with the alcohol. On Sundays
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I eat a single cup of plain white rice just to stay the
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hunger pangs, and I hate myself for eating even that
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much. Despite my efforts, I cannot seem to lose weight.
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This is because my body thinks correctly that it is
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being starved, and it stores fat and calories in case it
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needs to use them for energy later on.
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You are probably wondering why I continue to follow this
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vicious cycle when I obviously know so much about it.
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The answer is simple. It doesn't matter what my brain
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knows or what my friends say. The only thing that matters
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is that I think that I am fat, and that I will use every
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last ounce of willpower I have to control my body. Anorexia
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is about a lot of things. Control, perfectionism, low self
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esteem, negative experiences with respect to food, sexual
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abuse. The list goes on and on. But the ultimate judge for
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an anorexic is that mirror. Studies have shown that
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women with eating disorders overestimate their weight by as
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much as 20% when looking in a mirror. I look at women in
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the street and think 'I am about the same size as she is.'
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My friends look at me like I am insane. I simply have no
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concept of what I really look like, and I doubt that I
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ever will.
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One of the biggest problems with having an eating disorder
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is the effect it has on other people around you,
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particularly close relationships like family and lovers.
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It simply drives them insane to watch you order diet coke
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in a restaurant and no food, to see you cry about your
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weight, to constantly have to reassure you that you are not
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fat. If you love someone with an eating disorder, there
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is simply no way to please her. The best advice I can give
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is to be supportive. Don't try to convince her that she is
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not fat, don't ask her to eat more (or less), and definitely
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avoid comparing her to other people. Other than that, go
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with the flow and try not to let it affect you. It is not
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your problem, it is hers.
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Anorexia is a disease that never totally vanishes. Once you
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have it, it stays with you forever to some degree. I think
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anorexia is tougher to deal with than drug addiction,
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because we need food to survive. You must face the disorder
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every single time you eat, and there is no way to avoid
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the struggle. Let's face it - even though your body
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becomes physically addicted to cocaine, once you get over
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the need, you never have to touch cocaine again. You
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don't need cocaine to live, even though you might think
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you do. You need food to live, and anorexics simply don't
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care what kind of damage they do to their bodies in their
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efforts to make themselves invisible. Every bite is an
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ton of guilt and an imagines pound of fat, and there is
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no way around it.
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As for me... Well, I know that I am sick, which is a step
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in the right direction. I got past my dangerous phase,
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which is even better. I have smashed my full-length mirror
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and I shower with my eyes closed. I weigh myself 3 times
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a year or less. But I think about it every single day.
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And not a moment goes by where I don't wish that I was
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thinner. Right now my eating disorder is in full force
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due to various stresses in my life... If I keep
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going the way that I am I expect to be at 100 lbs even
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within 3 months. That is my secret little goal, and I know
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it is sick, but I can't help it. None of us can.
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demonika
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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