126 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
126 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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He's Not A Truthful Person
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This is something Voyager recently told another person about me. It has
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been gnawing at me ever since, because I know he is right. I do not hold
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his statement against him. Why should I? He was telling the truth. More
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than I had realized.
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I know how he drew his conclusion of me. I will not defend myself or make
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excuses. I will try to make you understand why it is true. Nothing more.
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My father died when I was three years old. My mother was pregnant with my
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youngest sister at the time. She was forced to raise her children alone
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for several years, until there came a time when she couldn't do it
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anymore, and married for convenience.
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My new step-something was a closet alcoholic. After time he stopped
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hiding it. He would often beat me when my mother was away. I told my
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mother one day, and she didn't believe me. She had asked him about it,
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and he denied it. She took his word over that of her son. Maybe it was
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for convenience.
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I was left to entertain myself most of my childhood. I never received an
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allowance. I never received anything I asked for. I never had anything
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but the bare essentials. I didn't have many friends.
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My mom divorced my step-something after two years. She fell in love with
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a neighbor. He had many children, whose source of entertainment was
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beating on me. I told my mother. Her solution was to take me to my
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ex-step-somethings house for the weekend to be watched while she worked,
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along with my sister. Every Saturday morning we were taken there. I was
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beaten repeatedly. Every Sunday I was picked up. I knew not to tell my
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mother about it, because I had already tried that once, and it didn't work.
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But I could tell from the look in her eyes she knew. Knew that each
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Saturday morning, she was leading me to slaughter. She brought me there
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for convenience.
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Her boyfriend's kids kept beating on me. I said something. She asked, and
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in the resulting verbal fight, they broke off the relationship. My mother
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blamed me. Said it was all my fault. We moved away.
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I learned three things from this. Don't trust anyone, because if you
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can't trust your own mother, who can you trust. Keep your mouth shut, or
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else you will be beaten for it. The truth doesn't mean anything and will
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only hurt you.
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I built a wall around myself. I lied to everyone, even my mother, about
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everything. My reasoning was that you can't be hurt if they knew nothing
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about you or what was really going on with you. In time I found the world of
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computers a great place to hide from the world and be whoever I wanted to
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be. I had the opportunity to build an image of myself among others of
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how I would have wanted my life to be had I already not been destroyed
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by others.
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Over time, this image of who I wanted to be became so ingrained in my
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psyche that it is who I became. I became this person without a foundation
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for it to rest on. As time went on, I became trapped.
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I stumbled upon philosophy one day and renounced god and religion. I
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became my own god, and Objectivism became my new bible. I started to
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become who I really was. I was happy. I had found meaning and direction.
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But the ghost of my previous image I had built among others kept
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returning to haunt me. I was not that person anymore, and I tried to
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distance from it by simply being myself.
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I made new friends. I took old friends who's friendship I valued aside
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and talked about what you are reading now. I learned a new lesson by
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doing this: The truth will set you free. Because once the truth is out
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there for all to see, no one can use it against you. I refused to become
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a prisoner of my past, living in fear of the truth.
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My journey has been recent; it is only two years old. Voyager said his
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journey took six years. I still have several years to go. Those of you
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who have met me in the last year know the real me. I was actively
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renouncing my past before I came out from the underground. But there is
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still some of the old me mixed within that real me. People I have met in
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the last year that I consider valued friends are seeing more of the real
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me everyday. I am still shedding my past as I continue to grow and learn
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more about myself, and having friends like Jericho make this whole
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transition rewardable. I still have a long way to go, but I am slowly
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making my way there.
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I ask one thing of all who know me, whether you consider yourself my
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friend or my enemy. Can we go from here? Ask and I shall tell you the
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truth. No matter what the consequences.
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se7en
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= gote land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Global Chaos +61.2.681.2837 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Undrgrnd Indust/Inc. 207.490.2158 =
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= Damnation 212.861.0580 Damnation -Toll Free 888.803.8490 =
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= Hacker's Haven 303.516.9969 Unearthly Shadows 303.683.1443 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images -- Down -- =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Damaged 801.944.7353 The Death Star Bar 805.872.3151 =
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= Purple Hell 806.791.0747 BloodNet 901.872.8615 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 Phoenix Modernz 908.830.8265 =
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= The Keg 914.234.9674 that stupid place 215.985.0462 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anon FTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.PRISM.NET/pub/users/mercuri/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM/users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM - /users/rage/zines/fuck =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.prism.net/zineworld/fuck/ =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author =
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(11/25/96)
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