231 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
231 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Continuing Education - Part 1
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-----------------------------
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This has been floating around the net for a while now, but
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I decided to release this to help circulate it even more. Consider
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the grade levels of who wrote these sentences...
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-=-
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The World According to Student Bloopers
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Richard Lederer
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St. Paul's School
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(Reprinted without permission)
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One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
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receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I
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have pasted together the following "history" of the world from
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certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout
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the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
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carefully, and you will learn a lot.
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*****
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The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
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Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
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that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
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dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the
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Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a
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range of mountains between France and Spain.
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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
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the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
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One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?". God
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asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of
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Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who
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brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to
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it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
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Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
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bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
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Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
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skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
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of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons,
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had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
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three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had
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myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of
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Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
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Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the
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"Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured
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on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
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another man of that name.
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
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advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
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and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
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government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law
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into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains
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were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors
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were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were
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outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
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Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
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Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
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banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar
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distinguished himself in the battle of Gaul. The Ides of March killed
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him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a
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cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
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to them.
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Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
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Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops
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before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George
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Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
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necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
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hanged twice for the same offense.
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In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
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writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and
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also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
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an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
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The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
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their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
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Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
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being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's
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interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
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Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
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Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
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figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
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was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
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with a 100-foot clipper.
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The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
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walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
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Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
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When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
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"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
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Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
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plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
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comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
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rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
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In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
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attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
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couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
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He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
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Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote
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"Paradise Regained."
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During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
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great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
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Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
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Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the
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Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
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greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
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before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many
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of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
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proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
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settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
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Smith was responsible for all this.
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One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
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in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through
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the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere
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were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
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peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
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had to pay for taxis.
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Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
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Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
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singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to
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Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
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under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards
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and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
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died in 1790 and is still dead.
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George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
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Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was
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adopted to secure domestic hostility . Under the Constitution the
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people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
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died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
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his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk
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hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write
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the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg
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on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation
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Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
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citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
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ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
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1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of
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the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John
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Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonale time. Voltare
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invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity
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was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
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Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
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Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
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Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
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large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music
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even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took
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long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
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Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
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accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song
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of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
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Napolionic Wars, the crowned heads of Eurpope were trembling in
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their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and
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nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
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problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
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inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
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bear him any children.
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The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
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in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
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longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. He reclining years
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and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
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personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
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The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
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thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
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to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which
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did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for
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telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
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Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman
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Curie dicoverd radium. And Carl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
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The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
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surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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-=-
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@netcom.com (Mail is welcome) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Celestial Woodlands 214.252.6455 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anonymous FTP: FTP.NETCOM.COM - /pub/je/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.FC.NET - /pub/deadkat/misc/FUCK =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM - /users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT - /pub/hackers/zines/fuck =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= http://www.ora.com:8080/johnl/e-zine-list/zines/fuck.html =
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