100 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
100 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
|
||
|| || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------
|
||
H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
|
||
|| || || || || \\ || // \\ HLYTOAST.DBC
|
||
E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #025-RT08 -- [09/29/92]
|
||
______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
The Holiness Parable of the Toast
|
||
---------------------------------
|
||
by Random Tox
|
||
|
||
While meditating and making a small talisman during an autumn equinox
|
||
ritual, Reverend Doktor Random Tox was asked as to the nature of his amulet
|
||
by a young seeker.
|
||
|
||
"Does this amulet represent the Most Holy Blender to you, oh great one?"
|
||
the seeker asked.
|
||
|
||
"It represents the passing of the seasons, the rotation of the earth
|
||
beneath the brilliant stars above and the changes of nature -- and it
|
||
symbolizes eggs and Toast." Reverend Tox replied, thinking back to his
|
||
breakfast that morning, one of the few breakfasts he has time to eat in his
|
||
brief life.
|
||
|
||
"I see." said the seeker, appearing pensive, yet showing some confusion.
|
||
"But what is this you say about Toast?"
|
||
|
||
Reverend Tox proceeded to illuminate the young inquirer as to the holy
|
||
nature of Toast and burnt crumbs, and how they link the universe to our souls
|
||
and spirits, leading nature forward with firm, bold footsteps.
|
||
|
||
"Toast parallels the cycle of the seasons, and in fact the seasons follow
|
||
the cycle of Toast. As the Toast slowly becomes warmer, the days become
|
||
colder. Ask your science teacher about heat conduction and he will verify
|
||
this, for everything need not be mystical. The Toast browns, as do to the
|
||
leaves on the mighty trees, from the elm to the oak, from the towering
|
||
redwood to the newly planted dogwood sapling. As the Toast deepens in shade,
|
||
the trees likewise deepen, and adopt earth-tones (which are quite popular
|
||
this year, and I hear plaid is coming back). The Toast darkens even more as
|
||
you forget about it, and there is nothing you can do to halt the process,
|
||
save for unplugging the Toaster, which symbolizes the halt of the seasons,
|
||
and the death of the world. The seasons are likewise unstoppable, and to
|
||
cease their turn can only mean that the gods themselves have left us.
|
||
|
||
Nights darken and come earlier, and as the Toast burns, blackens and the
|
||
little crumbly bits fall off, so do the leaves on the trees, no more than
|
||
crisped, darkened parodies of their former selves. The black crumbs of Toast
|
||
collect at the bottom of the Toaster and leave a burnt, charred smell in your
|
||
kitchen as the fallen leaves collect in the streets of cities and hamlets
|
||
across the globe and begin to rot in their own special brown morass of
|
||
bacteria and lack of chlorophyll.
|
||
|
||
"Your Toast becomes a blackened, inedible charcoal crust, and then the
|
||
leaves are bare, the world barren and covered with a warming blanket of snow.
|
||
You attempt, in vain, to disguise the repulsive nature of dying, benighted
|
||
Toast with a plethora of jams and sugars. Yet, beneath the coating of
|
||
flavorful pleasure, the foul, besmirched Toast remains, and the earth remains
|
||
beneath the snow. You eventually give up trying to eat it, tearfully
|
||
surrendering to the inevitable cycle. The Toast sits untouched, cooling, and
|
||
the earth grows warmer as the Toast releases the heat taken, signalling the
|
||
return of the temperate days. It is then you realize you will never in your
|
||
life eat this piece of Toast.
|
||
|
||
"Spring comes about and in despair, you crumble the Toast and throw it
|
||
out your window for the birds. From all across the land, hundreds of newborn
|
||
birds and squirrels flock to the Toast in an effort to eat what to *them* is
|
||
no doubt a wonderful treat, however stale, black and sticky it may be. The
|
||
Toast has then provided nourishment for these little creatures, which are now
|
||
happy little animals. They shall then proceed to live out fruitful lives
|
||
until they are cruelly shot and killed, only to be sold as bits of feathers
|
||
and fur, a piece of skin and a yummy meal for a hungry man. And for what?
|
||
Pieces of paper with green pictures on them.
|
||
|
||
"This man, well fed on happy little animals, plants majestic, sweeping
|
||
fields, filled with amber waves of grain. The wheat is harvested and pounded
|
||
into white dust called flour, made into bread, which you throw in your
|
||
Toaster, and thus ensure the perpetuation of the seasons. There initiate,
|
||
does this answer satisfy you?"
|
||
|
||
"Yes, oh wise one. But what about eggs?" the initiate asked.
|
||
|
||
"They go very well with Toast, either scrambld or fried. I put them on
|
||
top of my Toast, and sometimes I eat cheese with it too. A truly excellent
|
||
breakfast." With this, the Reverend Doktor Random Tox ate pieces of cake and
|
||
the ritual proceeded, and a good time was had by all.
|
||
|
||
______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
(C)1992 by Random Tox and The Durex Blender Corporation
|
||
All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations.
|
||
|
||
"Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Random Tox. I have the great honor and
|
||
pleasure to present you with Turnex, the Blender for the Next Millenium!
|
||
Slice tomatoes, smash potatoes, apples, cherries, blueberries, raspberries in
|
||
a fraction of a second. Turnex, the son of Durex, the ONLY BLENDER WHICH CAN
|
||
BE TURNED INTO A MOST POWERFUL VACUUM CLEANER!"
|
||
|
||
The Durex Blender Corporation : Boston (617) 696-8156 - 24oo/8N1 - 24 hours
|
||
|