134 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
134 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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|| || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------
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H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
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|| || || || || \\ || // \\ KENNDEDY.DBC
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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #013-SB04 -- [11/20/91]
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______________________________________________________________________________
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It All Started With A Hernia
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The Story of what REALLY happened When Kennedy Was Shot
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and
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How they name Star Wars Guys
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------------------------------
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by Snarfblat the Fork of Spoon
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"Ouch. This hernia is a pain in the ass!"
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-Dwight Eisenhower, President of the United States.
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---
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We all know that on November 23, 1963, John F. Kennedy was killed by an
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assassin in Dallas, Texas. But who was it that killed him? Lee Harvey
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Oswald? Someone in the "grassy knoll"? This report is the result of a 25
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year search for the truth about what happened on that day, and the details of
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the coverup.
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Ike was a hero among the people of this country. But he had a nasty
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hernia. One day when it was particularly bad, he noticed that the Oval
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Office was glowing with a strange green light. After several minutes of
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confusion, he realized that the light emanated from an alien sitting at his
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desk.
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"I am Wosparatuzaxolar. I have heard of you problem and I am here to
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help. All I require are the souls of seven honest men. Or some really good
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cocaine."
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"Well, since this is Washington DC, I'm afraid I can't find seven honest
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men. However, I do have a whole lot of choice cocaine here in my desk." He
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shuffled through the contents of the top drawer, and eventually found a
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plastic bag full of a certain white substance.
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"Whoops, just a condom there". Then he pulled out the coke in a packet
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and tossed it to the alien.
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"Earth man, you are healed. You must not tell the public of our
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existance. If you did, we would be exploited. But since we make a nice
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profit here in the White House, feel free to tell any politicians our
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secret." Ike smiled. He felt much better now.
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Later that day, Richard Nixon was seen tossing a strange green suit into
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a dumpster near Capitol Hill.
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When Kennedy became president, he was told of the alien and its strange
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cures for illnesses. He was warned not to tell the public. But being
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relatively honest, he decided it would be best not to keep any secrets. He
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planned to reveal it on a number of occasions, but each time his advisors'
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pleas kept him silent.
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Lyndon Johnson knew about the alien. It had helped cure his nose hair
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problem. He felt that Kennedy was being foolish to share such a great and
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secret national treasure among the people of the country to which it
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belonged. Johnson held many secret meetings with Congress and the CIA. They
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decided that Kennedy had to be taken out of office. He was too popular to be
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impeached, so it was decided that he had to go "the hard way."
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The mafia. Killings, lynchings, fear and greed were what they fed upon.
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Vinny "The Chin" Giosa was surprised to get a call from the Pentagon, yet he
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knew that he could not be arrested. He paid the white house phone bill, his
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men served dinner to the president. They took out the trash. 90% of the
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secret service was mafia. Vinny listened. He liked the idea of killing a
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president. Especially one as well-liked as Kennedy. He agreed to do the
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job.
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Lee Harvey Oswald was not a happy camper. Nor was he a sad camper, or
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even an evil camper. He hated camping. He also hated America, and went to
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Russia to try to become a Communist. He was discharged from the Red Army with
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a poor record, and returned to the U.S. where he promptly joined the mafia as
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a hitman. Oswald was a good shot as long as he was sober. He was chosen to
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be the assassin and was informed of his duties.
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On the planned day of the shooting, Kennedy would be riding in a
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convertable. Oswald was to shoot Kennedy from a nearby building. Three other
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men hidden near the site would then use hollow tipped bullets to make
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mincemeat of the president's body so as to eliminate the possibility of an
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autopsy. The gunmen would then take their weapons with them and enter the
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basements of their respective buildings. They would follow the tunnel which
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had been dug the previous night, swim through the sewer lines, and climb into
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an escape truck through a manhole, 12 blocks away.
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The plan failed for several reasons. Firstly, a shot was fired from a
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grassy knoll before Oswald's shot. Oswald was able to fire, but his
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accomplices did not. They knew their cover had been blown, and they hopped
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down the stairs, met in the van and escaped. Oswald was not so lucky. Being
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not as experienced as the others, the source of his shot was noticed, and he
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was arrested shortly thereafter. His tunnel was not found, and all were
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filled in that night.
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The shot from the knoll did not hit the president. It was not meant to,
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for it was fired by none other than Folbert R. Jakes. Never heard of him?
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He wanted it that way. Jakes fired the shot as a warning. He was one of
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Dallas's finest sewer scrubbers and he knew of the tunnels that had been dug.
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Fearing the worst, he followed his hunch that something foul would happen
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soon. He kept a vigil in the knoll with his shotgun. As the presidential
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car was passing, he noticed a glint in a window of a building. His mind
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raced, and his instinct was to fire.
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BANG!
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The world stopped for one moment as a bullet whizzed past Kennedy's ear.
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He ducked, and as his guards dove over him, the second shot, which was
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expected, was fired. It hit him in the back of the head.
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Oswald was taken to jail. It was meant to be swift and silent, but
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bureaucracy is slow. Organized crime has no rules, no forms to be filled
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out. When news of Oswald's capture reached Vinny "The Chin", he ordered Jack
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Ruby to kill Oswald so he couldn't give away the mafia, the aliens and the
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conspiracy. Ruby was at the police station 3 hours before Oswald. He
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stepped out of the crowd, shot Oswald in the chest, and was arrested. As
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Oswald gasped his last breath, the words "The Chin" passed his lips, along
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with a large amount of blood and drool. Every chinese person in the area was
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questioned, but it led nowhere.
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Mobs are not quick-witted. Nor are sewer scrapers. Jakes sat stunned
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in his grassy knoll, as he suddenly realized that he might be blamed for the
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assassination. He recovered quickly, dropped his gun, and mingled with the
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crowd until he could slip into a manhole. He was proud of his escape, yet he
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knew he could not show himself in Dallas again. Somebody would want him dead,
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so he hid beneath the streets and hopped out of a toilet in New Jersey four
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months later.
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Ruby escaped from jail easily. It was discovered that Oswald's brain
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dead body was being kept alive in a hospital, so it was removed will all the
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life support equipment and taken to Vinny's crime base. Kennedy was
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pronounced dead, and as far as we know, he is dead. However, the eternal
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flame that burns over his grave has been rumored to be the chimney of a small
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room where he lives today, and thinks up names of Star Wars characters.
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Johnson got the presidency. Although politicians are a pain in the ass, they
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don't have any themselves. Jakes is scraping slime in Atlantic City. And
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Nixon can be seen wasted on coke in various alleys in Washington DC.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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(C)1992 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Th' Snarastaman
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All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations.
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