168 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
168 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 27th, 1993
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#042 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"The BLaH Field Guide to Lampreys"
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³ by ³
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Nyarlathotep
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À ÄÄ Ù
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The BLaH Field Guide
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to
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ô
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õAMPREYS
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(Ewwww!)
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Hey, you all probably know what a lamprey is, right? Those
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eel-like creatures that grapple onto other fish and suck their blood.
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Well, as of late I have beem stuck on the nasty beasties. I think its
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because they scare the shit out of me. Well. anyways, on to the guide!
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APPEARANCE:
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The average common lamprey looks basically like an eel- long
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snakelike body, no paired fins, etc. However the lamprey lacks jaws.
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Instead it posseses a suction cup-like mouth with rings of sharp
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spike-like teeth on the inside. The mouth basically looks like the
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creature in the desert of Tatooine in Return of the Jedi (the one where
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Jabba, who CAN'T jump wants to throw Luke, Han...) ANother difference is
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that the lamprey only has one nostril, located on the top of its head.
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FEEDING HABBITS:
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As stated earlier lampreys feed by sucking the blood of other
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animals. They do this by sticking to theie prey's skin with their mouth,
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and grappling with the teeth. They then use their 'rasping' tongue to
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carve a hole in the victim and suck their blood. YUM YUM! Basically
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they try to attack weak, wounded or sick prey. Nasty as they are, they
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don't even adminster an anesthetic. This means that fish caught on a
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hook or in a net are prime meals. If you ever catch a fish with a
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lamprey KILL the nasty beast by any means possible, but please try not
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to touch it. It'll make me feel better. Oh, and throw the
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contaminated fish back.
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Life Cycle:
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The life cycle of these creatures is really quite strange. After
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mating the female lays eggs which congregate into a strange meat-like
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substance. This stuff is often harvested by humans, canned and called
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SPAM. Yes, careful analysis has shown that SPAM is the lamprey Larval
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stage. See for yourself! Open a can and let it sit around for a few
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weeks, you'll be amazed to see the lamprey larva grow and grow until it
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finally metamorphisizes into the disgusting adult stage. It's more fun
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than Sea Monkeys.
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Habitat:
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The average, normal common lamprey lives in water, from lakes to
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oceans. Yes, they live in Lake Michigan. EWWWWW!!!!
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OTHER INFORMATION:
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Thats the basic information for the average lamprey. It is now
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time to talk about variations and relatives of the horrid beasties. As
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for common creatures the closest living relative is the hagfish. These
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are even uglier, but do not scare me.
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However there are strange variations of the common lamprey. I
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will catalogue a number of them, including as much information as I have
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been able to get.
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LESSER LAND LAMPREY- This is basically a variant that has adopted a
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terrestrial lifestyle (ie lungs, fast cars, hot babes etc.) They move in
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a snake-like fashion. They feed primarily on rodents and lagomorphs
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(probably becuse they wish they too could be cute). They have been known
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to hunt in groups, however, and attack larger prey en masse. They should
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be killed on site.
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GREATER LAND LAMPREY- These horrid creatures are derivatives of the
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lesser land lampreys (they need bigger cars of course). They appear the
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same, except on a far larger scale. They have been known to reach
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lengths of up to 18 feet long and weigh up to 500 pounds.
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These ferocious creatures' favorite prey is deer. They do not
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move very fast but rely on camoflage to catch them. They raise their
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body vertically and disguise themselves as a tree. When deer come along
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it slams down and grapples the deer with its sucker mouth. In a few
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minutes all thats left is a bloodless corpse.
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These creatures are predominantly solitary, but congregrate for
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mating. They do not hunt during the mating frenzies, but kill intruders
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on sight.
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One of the worst things about these beasts is that they are
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incredibly difficult to kill. Their internals are large and spread out
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so a bullet wound is not usually serious. Their tough skin delfects most
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small calibre ammunition and buckshot. Military Flechette shotgun shells
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are highly effective. Their skin is also proof against most acids and
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fire, for at least a short time.
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They live wherever deer populations are high. They also thrive
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in areas with lots of cattle, which they also seem to enjoy. The recent
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cattle mutilations in the southwest have been attributed by top
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scientists to this sort of lamprey. If going on a hunting expedition,
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such as those promoted by The BLaH Institute for Cephalocide, be sure
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to obtain effective weaponery, and please, DON'T go alone.
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TWO HEADED GLOW-IN-THE-DARK LAMPREY- I have only heard one report of
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this creature. It is likely that it was a one-of-a-kind mutation.
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Especially since it was sighted in Lake Michigan in the waters
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surrounding the Zion Nuclear Power Plant.
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MENTAL LAMPREY- These creatures are able to survive in both terrestrial
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and aquatic enviroments (what studs!), like lungfish. It can easily be
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distinguished from a common lamprey by its goldish skin color and the two
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barbels near its mouth. Not easily seen is that its tongue is no longer
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'rasping' but instead has a soft pad-like end.
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These bizarre, supernaturalish creatures do not feed on blood as
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others of their family. Rather they feed on the brainwaves of animals.
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They do so by attaching to their victim's head via their mouths (they are
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able to leap tall buildings in a single bound). They place their tongue
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and barbels against the skin and somehow, by unknown means, drain the
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victim's brainwaves. Side effects include loss of intelligence, amnesia,
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paralysis and death, depending on how long they feed. They prefer
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sentient creatures, such as humans and llamas to animalistic prey. They
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are cunning and are known to hunt in groups. There are unsubstantiated
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rumors that they possess some sort of telekinetic power which enables
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them to herd humans like cattle into their feeding ranges, called
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_killplains_ in the advanced tongue of these lampreys.
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Killing one of these is near impossible. Thier hide is proof
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against blade and bullet. Acid is also no use. Direct explosions and
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large, extremely hot fires are the only common ways to kill them.
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Certain exotic weapons such as techno and house music may also work.
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These creatures dwell mainly in the extreme northern US and
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Canada, but have been known to venture as far south as Kentucky.
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GIANT DESERT LAMPREY- It is conjectured that these huge monstrosities
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200 yards long with mouths 50 feet in diameter dwell in deserts. They
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live buried upside down in the sand with only their mouths exposed
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(like Return of the Jedi) They are carnivorous.
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ABOLETH- These creatures, the bane of adventurers everywhere may be
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advanced forms of lampreys.
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I hope this guide is informative and useful. Any further
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inquiries or information should be directed to Nyarlathotep.
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Grandmaster of among other things, Lampreys, at The BLaH Institute
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for Cephalocide.
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(Special thanks to James Hetfield and Count Zero for facts contained
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herein)
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{---End Of File. Almost as scary as lampreys.---}
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Congrats to the newest BLaH Prez, Nyarlathotep, from whom we expect more
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lamprey crap.
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BLaH <sigh>ts
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The Battle Of Evermore <312>476-1508
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The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
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Wanna join BLaH? Find the BLAH-APP.TXT file at the local BLaH sights and
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see if YOU've got the Blight Stuff.
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{--Everybody Wang Chung Tonite!---}
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