204 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 22nd, 1993
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#038 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"Rant and Rave Til Dawn"
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³ by ³
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Guido Sanchez
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À ÄÄ Ù
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"There's a rainbow inside my shorts.."
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[Minstrelle music in the background]
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Come join me, my friends,
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I'll end all your strife.
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Let's play SimCity,
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SimEarth and SimLife.
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Or maybe we'll travel
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Throughout Guido's head
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Poke fun at his insides
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Make fun of his Keds.
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Could we imagine
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What things build up 'ere?
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Could we imagine
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What sloshes in his ear...?
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"Injected with a llama"
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Remember when we were children? Shouldn't be THAT much of a
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strain on your collective memories. Things we had to do, back when
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prayer and ritual sacrifice were legal in school. Back when America was
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AMERICA. Before we annexed Wisconsin. At the beginning of the year, we
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all brought in the required sacrifice to the "beginning-of-the-school-
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year-gods" which we would never see again. These were things that were
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dear to me, and were often used up in those fond last moments reserved
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for farewell. Those two boxes of kleenex that were greedily snatched
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from us by the 'teachers' and locked up, destined to never again see
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sunlight save during the last moments of their pitiful existence. First,
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the blare of sunlight as the cabinet was opened. Then, the beautiful
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sound of that cardboard strip being punched out and then removed that
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seemed to offer a last chance to the condemn. But then the governor
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would change his mind and the only thing left to feel with the clammy
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stickiness of mucous followed by the spine-crunching wadding-up and
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tossing into the 'sanitary' trashcan that had to be stepped on to be
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opened. Ah, the subtle ways that were used to teach us submission were
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always the best ones. Anyone who stood up for themselves had their spine
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crunched and were thrown to be feasted upon by the ones who allowed
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themselves to feel the cold harsh boot of authority on their levers. And
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people wonder why I hate nuns.
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"And me without my spoon"
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The following segments of data compose a list of uses for
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spoons. If I'm in a concave mood, there'll probably be 101.
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1. Measuring out mugwump jism
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2. When bent, they make great minor spheres of invulnerability
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3. Offerings to Hecate
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4. To eat with
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5. To construct monuments from stone
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6. To bathe with
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7. Assistance in child birth
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8. HAM? HAM IS NOT ALLOWED!
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9. Euthanasia
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10. Removing scabs
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11. Siphoning gasoline/blood
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12. Prying open bottles of Mr. Gs
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This is just becoming more and more unfunny as I progress. Maybe
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there's a personal lesson to learn? Maybe I'm feeling the Nausea of
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Jean-Paul Sartre? Maybe I've just got.. NO TOENAILS!
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"Cue the opening music!"
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That's right, it's that hip new gameshow called "I'VE GOT NO
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TOENAILS! Starring WINK MARTENDALE.
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Remember that dragon on TIC-TAC-DOUGH? That always scared me. So did H.
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R. Puffnstuff, come to think of it. I've had such a reptilious
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childhood.. that IT'S GIVEN ME CARPEL TUNNEL SYNDROME! <rimSHOT>
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"So Many Sheep, So Little Time"
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Speaking of Wyoming, I don't think I've ever met anyone from there. If
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you're from Wyoming or know someone who is, please contact me VOICE at
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708-972-9946, collect if you like.
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"Things that piss me off"
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1. People who quote 20 lines of text, give a two word reply followed by
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a two line sig with a wacky tagline displaying their intense wit <ie
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"I'm not as think as you stoned I am!" oh! The humour! The classical
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British spelling!>
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2. People who spout off to others what they hate when others could
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really care less.
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"THANK YOU FOR BEING MY NOTHINGNESS!"
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And I could FEEL the radiation a-flowin-a-through me! And I can see a man
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flaunting his woman as proof of an effective anti-persperant. And I SAW
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the VELCRO stickers on the outside from the old power glove strap-on
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device that sticks to my bagel almost as tightly as the tele-vision, the
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hallowed portal of faith. And I saw the GLORY of the nintendo
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advertising over-priced WAREZ and the FRESHNESS provided by the MENTOS.
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And then the dragon of WINK MARTINDALE attacked ST. ALEX of the TREBEK
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and moved to TRIBECA to be produced by ROBERT DENIRO. And I saw the
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90210 and it WAS good for I knew it to be true. And I saw the CRUEL
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MOCKERY of today's SOCIETY perpetuated by the evil WRITERS of the show
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who should HAVE been encouraging the actions, not MAKING FUN OF THEM.
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And yet, I FELT THE BOND of KINSHIP with these writers, knowing that
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CONSTANT EXPLOITATION of THE society would bring about the first AGE and
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it WOULD BE called the BIG 'B' as in Beelzebub. AND aeons WOULD PASS
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before the second age WOULD COME, and it WOULD be CALLED the BIG 'L' as
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in LUCIFER. And WOE and TORMENT would FLOURISH like the YEAST INFECTION
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until the new age of the LITTLE 'A' as in Asmodeus. And ALL would COWER
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in FEAR and LOATHING of this new aeon, for WEEKS on end until THE coming
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of the BIG 'H' as in HAMBURGER HELPER. And GU*DO would PUT DOWN THE d&d
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BOOK, dieties AND demigods, and REVERT TO THE PRIMAL instinct of
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ORIGINALITY. And THEN family feud WOULD appear with THE special THIS
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week being NUNS versus MONKS part TWO the REVENGE. And THEN the second
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coming of ROSEANNE WOULD come, heralding THE end of THE GOLDEN AEON of
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SET, as THE PUN hath HERALDED the END of THIS spurt. May DR. SHOAL have
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MERCY on OUR SOLES.
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"Calm down.. Mockery is everywhere.."
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Catholick Catchphrases that Didn't Make It
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When someone thinks of a catholick, one distinct phrase pops into
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their head. The words "Narrow-minded Biggots" are almost as synonymous
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with the Catholic church as "Genocidal Capitalist Pigs". But the church
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that you've come to know and loathe as the Universal church didn't
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always have such a high-profile catchphrase to describe itself. Through
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the papist reigns of Pope Morticia II to Pope Gomez I, cardinals were
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hard at work developing a catchphrase that would make the Catholic
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church both appealing to the common man and arousing when spoken
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backwards. [i don't know about you guys, but the mere thought of someone
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saying 'Lasrevinu' is enough to get me wetter than a mad hen] The BLaH
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Archeological Society Towards Another Radik00l Discovery, or BASTARD,
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recently stumbled upon these scrolls tossed away with the pizza boxes of
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ancient Rome. Below are the translations from the original Latin.
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"Give me Jesus or give me death"
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"Oh God! You Devil!"
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"I Like God"
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"I Feel Like Jesus Tonight.. Jesus Tonight!"
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"Ok, so we were neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. Discuss and die,
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pagan scum"
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"We're Sorry" <I can see why this one wasn't used>
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"Blame The Pope!"
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"It's a Man's Life"
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"Remember Golgotha"
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"I Brake For God"
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"And Justice For All..."
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"The First One's On The House"
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"Hey! It sold more copies than Mein Kampf!"
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"Here's a story.. of a girl named Mary.."
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"At Least We're Not Jewish" <can't see why this one didn't work>
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[for those of you <hi Simon W.!> who may be pissed at me for that last
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one, realize or don't that Catholickism and Judaism are PRACTICALLY THE
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SAME belief systems, off of the SAME BOOK. Hence the irony.]
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"You'll never have to think again"
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and the number one ex-catchphrase...
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"We Were Here First"
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"So, umm, how ABOUT them holy wars?"
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So BYU <Brigham Young University, a MORMON college> beat SMU <Southern
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Methodist University, a <gasp> SOUTHERN METHODIST college> in the
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ACNA seminalfinals. What does this say about mainstream protestantism?
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Is it failing in the light of the one true AMERICAN religion, or is this
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slack attributed to the Branch Davidians? The World May Never Know.
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TheEnd.. Umm, thanks for being my psychologist.. I'll be surprised if
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this file makes it to BLaH HQ.. if I released every little spurt in my
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head, you'd be up to your isles of langerhans in tfiles. We couldn't
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have that, now could we? enjoy...... gweed
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SLOW DRIP! SLOW DRIP!
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{---End of File. The Summer Sun's Callin My Name, I hear ya now..---}
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Hamu desu ka? Hamu wa dame desu yo.
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BLaH <Sigh>ts..
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
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The Battle of Evermore <312>476-1508
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The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
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This from the guy who watched all 30 hours of MST3k's Turkey Day
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Marathon. All I wanna do is do the zoom zoom zoom and the boom sha lock lock
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boom.
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{---Virgin Hole Infest. Anal Spewing Cess. Your Dead Child I Defile.---}
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