552 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
552 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
***************************************************************************
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* *
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* Evil Angels Presents... /\ /\ *
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* / \ / \ *
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* Anarchistic Tendencies... Part VI / \/ \ *
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* \ /\ / / *
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* The complete do-it-yourself \ / \ / / *
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* KAMIKAZE DRIVER COURSE \/ \/ / *
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* (Dedicated to Raster Blaster) / *
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* /______ *
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* Released November 24, 1988 / *
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* / *
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* By: The founder of Evil Angels, The Masked Avenger / *
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* And Fearless Fred (AKA Lightening Bolt). / *
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* / *
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***************************************************************************
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+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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| Ring these Boards! |
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| -> Pacific Island. 8902174. All Speeds 24 hours a day! |
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| -> The Twilite Zone. 5620686. 300/300 1200/1200. 24 hours a day! |
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| -> Zen BBS 8996180 All speeds 4 lines. 24 hrs daily |
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| -> Doodz Domain 6465861 All Speeds 23 hours a day! |
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| -> Electric Dreams 8131663 300/300 1200/1200 23 hours a day! |
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| -> Crystal Palace 7251923 All Speeds 23 hours a day! |
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| -> The Crossover 3675816 All Speeds 23 hours a day! |
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+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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WARNING!
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Before attempting this course you MUST be in peak physical and
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spiritual condition. We recomend that you begin your training
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at least one month before starting the course.
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If you do not have the dedication to training your success as
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a kamikaze driver will of course be effected.
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You will need:
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--------------
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Determination.
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A sense of destiny.
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A white scarf.
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A pair of goggles. (Optional)
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A bicycle.
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A very expensive (FAST) car. (For advanced kamikazes)
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---------------------------
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Initial Training: Spiritual
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---------------------------
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It is very important that you are well prepared spiritually
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before attempting to begin the rigorous physical training
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required to become a kamikaze.
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With every day you will become a more confident man of destiny.
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Your jaw will take on a different shape, your eyes will get
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smaller and take on a glint of iron determination, and as you
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progress through this course you will notice how women's
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heads will turn as you walk past, dogs will run in fear,
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and your mother will stop making you eat your vegetables.
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Exercise 1: You will need to take control of your emotions.
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This is easily acheived by sitting in front of
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the television, and taking on a serious facial
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expression, and then keeping that expression
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for as long as you can. Keep your eyes focussed on
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a point slightly above and several metres behind
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the television you are watching.
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The best programs are comedies. YOU MUST NOT LAUGH!
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Kamikazes have a serious job to do, and your image
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as a kamikaze will be damaged if you are seen smiling
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must less laughing!
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Second best is soap operas. The more boring the better.
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These will give you the oportunity to pracice your
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serious job to do look while everyone else is looking
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bored. Having other people around may be distracting
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at first, as bored people will become curious as to
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what your serious job to do look is all about, but
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ignoring them will not only get rid of them, it will
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be an achievement in holding your facial expression.
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Exercise 2: Praying.
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Clasp your hands together, take on your serious job
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to do look, and begin mumbling. Don't actually say
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anything, and keep your face as motionless as posible.
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If you prefer, keep your eyes open, but don't focus
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on anything.
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If you keep your eyes closed, it is much more
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impressive if you bow and raise the volume of your
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mumbles proportional to the angle of your bow.
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Ensure that when you bow you do not fall
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over! However, should you fall over, take advantage
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of it, and assume the lotus position, and continue
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your prayers.
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Remember Kamikazes don't make mistakes. If something
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goes wrong increase the determination in your facial
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expression, and take advantage of the situation by
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making people think that you meant it.
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You should now look and act the part of the Kamikaze. It is
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most important that you do not lose these skills, so make sure
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that you pray at least once per day.
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Initial Training: Physical
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--------------------------
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You should spend approximately an hour a day training.
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For physical training, there are some simple exercises you
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can practice while watching TV, walking to school, while
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having dinner. Just about any time of the day opportunities
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will present themselves.
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1. Walls are one of the most vital resources available to
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you at this stage. Partly because, as a rule, walls are
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quite hard, and secondly because there are so many of them.
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Exercise 1: Walk up to the wall.
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Look straight at it.
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Punch it as hard a you can.
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Try not to yell. This is very important as it
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teaches you self disipline, needed later.
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Exercise 2: Walk up to the wall.
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Stand approximately 1 metre back from it.
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(This step will depend upon how tall you are.)
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Close your eyes. (Optional)
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Lean foreward.
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If you follow the steps involved here, you should
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find yourself lying on the ground with a headache.
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If you ache anywhere else, it means that something
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has gone wrong. Try adjusting the distance between
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yourself and the wall.
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If you have dificulty in achieving these simple exercises, don't
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despare. You must simply re-condition yourself to your destiny.
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Start with simple exercises like getting a close friend or family
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member to pull away a chair just before you sit on it. This will
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build your confidence. Another good confidence builder is to try
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and juggle knives. Start with one, then work you way up. If you
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can handle three, try sharpening them. For extra confidence, try
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whenever you drop a knife, having a drink of saki.
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Exercise 3: This is an exercise in showing off your skills as a
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future Kamikaze. Go into a large office building,
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and go into the lifts. Stand in front of the doors,
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and using the skills you used from exercise 2 you
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will be able to judge the distance you need to stand
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away from the door.
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Now, just as the doors open, lean foreward. This will
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look very impressive to the people waiting to get into
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the lift. It is also very important that you don't
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groan, or otherwise make any noice, otherwise people
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will think that you're alive still, and feel obligated
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to help you. You should have learned this skill from
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exercise 1.
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From this exercise you will improve your timing skills
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needed for future exercises.
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These are just basic training exercises. Use your imagination.
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Remember, a Kamikaze wont get very far in his field unless he
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has the resourcefulness to cope with setbacks.
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Advanced Training
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-----------------
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Having cultivated your skills, both spiritually, and physically,
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you are now ready to proceed with the advanced training.
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For this you will need your white scarf, goggles and a bicycle.
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Once on your bicycle, head for a busy street intersection.
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Ensure that the street is not too busy. For best results, the
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scarf should be long enough that it will flap in the wind.
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Wait at the selected corner for an appropriate vehicle.
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A public bus is ideal, but if there aren't many about, a truck
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is also acceptable.
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While waiting at the corner, you may want to do some praying, and
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deep breathing exercises will be useful later.
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When the chosen vehicle is in sight, begin peddling. You should
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remember to allow time to get the the place of contact the same
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time as the bus. So begin peddling BEFORE the bus gets there.
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| ___ |
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| | B | | Start peddling when bus
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| | U | | is at this position.
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_______________| | S | |________________
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___ ___ _____|| _________ ___
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|| o
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Point of contact \/ || /|~~
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/\<-<-|| 0-/-0
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_______________ ||______________
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If you remembered your deep breathing exercises, you will now
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be able to not only attrack the attention of the people in the
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bus and pathways, but also impress them with your your loud
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scream of "Banzai!".
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Graduation
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Once you have been discharged from hospital, you will now be
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ready for the final stage of your course in being a Kamikaze driver.
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This is the most important stage in your career, and the one
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that you only get one chance at.
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How you do it is up to you, but remember some of the finer points
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in graduation.
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1. Make sure you get plenty of sleep the day before your mission.
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By not having enough sleep you are prone to make mistakes, which
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could cause your mission to fail.
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2. Flame looks good. So if you don't have time to douse your car's
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exterior with petrol just before your final plunge, I suggest
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that you get a long (approximately 5 metres) piece of red
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material, and cut V shaped notches into the end. Then just
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before impact hang it out the window. The fluttering motion
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will look slightly more impressive than nothing at all.
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3. A microphone attached to a P.A. system is another nice touch.
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As people wont be able to hear your "Banzai!" over the roar
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of the engine, the P.A. system will at least be an improvement.
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Be careful to resist the temptation of muttering last words
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like "Take this you ass-hole!". A simple "Banzai!" is much
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more appropriate.
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4. It is always better to have a reason for your mission.
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Wait until someone has insulted you, been rude to you,
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or didn't look with enough respect towards you when you
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were practicing one of your serious job to do looks.
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Then make it a point of telling them that they have
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insulted your honour and they will reap the consequences
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of their actions.
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The less trivial the matter the better.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Our H E R O
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One of our most promicing, yet unsuccessful students is
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Raster Blaster. So far his failed missions have included
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a high speed collision with the back of a truck that had
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insulted his honour by backfiring. Result: Written off
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car, and failed mission.
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Next was his high speed collision with a fence.
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We believe that it was not the fence, but the people who
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owned it that had insulted his honour. Result: Written off
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Celica, failed mission. (See what I mean about making
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mistakes when you don't get enough sleep?)
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Next: His attempt with his brand new Integra. So far
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no-one has been game enough to insult his honour.
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Other people to watch for are Simply Sparks. He has been
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unable to master riding a bicycle, so has taken training
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missions in his car. At the rate he is going he wont have
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a car in which to complete his final mission. One point to
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note here for you younger Kamikazes; car's work better when
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the wheels are on the ground, not the roof. There are
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certain aspects of training that have been ommited because
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we thought common sence would cover such topics.
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Masked Avanger. This is our most successful bicycle rider
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yet. At the rate he is going at he wont need a car.
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Truly a Kamikaze bike rider for all of us to be proud of!
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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A note from the members of Evil Angels:
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Good luck, and remember, YOURMUTHASUKSCOKSINHELLLLLLL!
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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This Edition's Awards
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---------------------
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Bastard of the month........................ The Masked Avenger
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(AGAIN!)
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Boring person of the month.................. Vagabond
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(AGAIN!)
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Drunken sysop of the month................... Fearless Fred
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(AGAIN!)
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Driver of the month......................... Simply Sparks!
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(Truck engravements do suit your Accord)
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Romeo of the month.......................... Ivan Trotsky
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Juliet of the month......................... SYN ...
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NB: This may not be related (But bet ya balls it is!)
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Hoon of the month.......................... Thelonius Monk
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(Minus $135)
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Nerdy Message of the Month................. Captain Chaos
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(Has his modem for
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2 days and already
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rates an award!)
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Sysop of the month.......................... Craig Bowen
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(AND NEXT MONTH...)
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Software distributer award.................. Taxi Cab
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Slut of the month........................... Fire Fox
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Mentat's sex life will never be the same!
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Quotes for this month.
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Craig Bowen: "I can't think at all"
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SYN ...: "I don't believe I have had a comfortable screw"
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"I've had an Orgasm, they're nice aren't they?"
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Fearless Fred: "I haven't has sex in SOOO long."
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Taxi Cab: "Can someone teach me how to program BASIC, C or assembly?"
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Vagabond: "The SYN's working fine, I just can't get THE end in!"
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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---------------
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YOUR STAR SIGNS
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---------------
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By Ze Prophet
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Aries: This month there's either a spec on my telescope, or
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there's some sort of planet thingie hovering around
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a constelation wotsit. This means that love is in the
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air for you. But it could also mean that you're going
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to be invited to a bit party and break out in zits
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the night before.
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Tuarus: This month I couldn't find venus, which means that
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you will experience a stable relationship which will
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have disasterous results. Be careful not to drive
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a Toyota. They have a tendancy to make you jump
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uncontrollably!
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Gemini: Your planet is murcury. It seems to be higher in the
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thermometre than usual which indicates your love life
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will flourish this month. Just remember to wash you
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hand afterwards.
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Cancer: With mars so much in the news with the Ruskies and all,
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it indicates that you should avoid Austpac as much as
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posible and concentrate on that playboy. Your love life
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isn't going to improve this month either, but with a
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personality like yours, I'd doubt it ever will.
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Leo: Being ruled by the sun, and this being summer, it symbolises
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that it's a good time for some huba-ta-huba-ta. If you're
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not getting enough, get a little on the side. If you're not
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getting any, it's high time to start!
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Virgo: There's an anomoly somewhere either in the milky way
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or close by it. This means you should cut down on your
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cholesterol, and watch your weigh this month. Also, you
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could be involved in a traffic jam if you drive in peak
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hour traffic. Don't despair, you will soon crash your car
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again, and be back to using public transport and avoiding
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traffic jams.
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Libra: Trouble is brewing on the horizon. You should start saving
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now for your next phone bill. There is also signs of travel,
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so if you don't think you can afford your bills, book a flight
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to Cuba now and avoid the confrontations.
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Scorpio:Well, you're a little prick, so the best thing to do is
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end it all now while the time is right.
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Sagittarius: Your life seems to be going fine so far, and the stars
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indicate that you will have someone over for dinner
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in two weeks or so. As you're basically a walking disaster,
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you'll be better off eating out.
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Capricorn: Now is a good time to change your underwear. Be careful
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not to shower this month as there are bad omens with
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whats-his-name the water carrier. On the whole, your
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love life will continue to be disasterous. Socially, you
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don't have a chance this month either, so stay home.
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Aquarius: You're bound for conflict this month, but don't worry,
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all will end in your favor. Relationships will be strained
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this month, and your sex life will take a dive. Remember,
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there are drugs you can take to cure impotence, but science
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can't cure a small dick.
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Pisces: You should pay more attention towards your business life
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this month. There seems to be an eclipse of the moon that
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orbits that cute little red whatsit near your planet
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indicating you shouldn't forget the Aeroguard fot the next
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BBQ like you did last time, or your girlfriend isn't as sweet
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and innocent as you first thought, and you should consider
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a trip to the Clinic.
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----------------------------------------
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My predictions for this month:
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Having star gazed for minutes on end, there seems to be some
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unrest in that fuzzy bit of the sky. This means nothing, except
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that bit of the sky wasn't fuzzy last time I looked, so I
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probably need glasses.
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Being summer, the sun is out a lot of the time. So all you Leo's
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out there go have a good time, and the rest of you will suffer.
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If you're looking for a lover, avoid Virgo people. They're what
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us prophetic people refer to as BAD OMENS. Leo's are in season this
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month, but watch out for jelous Aquarius boyfriends.
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I also saw a satelite. This means that it's a good time to buy
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that expensive thing you wanted, and give it to someone who wont
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use it as a Christmas present.
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Till next time huneys.... XXXOOOXXX
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Ze Prophet.
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______________________________________________________________________
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----------------------
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E V I L A N G E L S
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----------------------
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You too can help rid the world of nerds. By purchasing any of
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the following quality official Evil Angels Products.
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"I hate the Masked Avenger" Badges $ 2-50
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"Hug your computer today" car signs $ 4-00
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Evil Angels Windcheaters... $25-00
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All sizes, all colours, design is Front: "Evil Angels:
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Ridding the
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world of nerds!"
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Back: "I hate Taxi Cab!"
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Printed versions of Anarchistic Tendencies Part 1 - 6 $12-00
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Remember... donations to Evil Angels are NOT tax deductible,
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but will help rid the world of nerds!
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Anarchistic Tendencies VI
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(C) November 1988
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YOU HAVE NO GODDAMNMUTHAFUKING RIGHTS!
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**************************************
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* NO PART OF THIS FILE MAY BE *
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* PUBLISHED IN MASS MEDIA WITHOUT *
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* THE AUTHORS' WRITTEN PERMISSION *
|
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* AND HALF OF THE AUTHORS DON'T *
|
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* KNOW HOW TO WRITE. THE OTHER HALF *
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* ARE USUALLY DRUNK! *
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* *
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* - That's a god-dammed warning *
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* *
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**************************************
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::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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YOURMOTHERSUCKSCOCKSINHELL
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::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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Disclaimer: The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure
|
|
that this file contains no offensive material. However, should you find
|
|
anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't sue us!
|
|
This file is written with the intent of producing a humorous
|
|
file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offence is intended towards
|
|
any person or persons however much they are mentioned.
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Donations can be sent:
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C/o Craig Bowen,
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P.O. Box 125,
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Balwyn, 3103.
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