357 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
357 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
November 1990
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TAKING THE JOB HOME
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By
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Richard N. Southworth
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Criminal Investigator
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Virginia Office of the Attorney General
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One day, while riding in the car, my 16-year-old daughter
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and I began to talk seriously about our relationship. I told
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Michelle that at times, it appeared as though she was angry with
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me and that nothing seemed to ease this rage. Almost instantly
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she responded with tremendous force, "I am! When I needed you,
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you weren't there for me. When I wanted to cuddle up on your
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lap and talk, you were unapproachable. Now you want to be part
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of my life, and I resent the hell out of it. You're damn right
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I'm angry!"
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I spent 16 years with the Virginia State Police before
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leaving to pursue other interests. But I also left because I
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was burnt out. Something was very wrong in my life, and I knew
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it was somehow related to being a police officer.
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No one can deny being a police officer is tough. There is
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tremendous stress associated with the profession. Most of us
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have experienced it, or at least have seen it in fellow
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officers. We know the strain it places on marriages and
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families, the divorces and family break-ups it causes. We also
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are intuitively aware that much of this discord is a result of a
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family member being a police officer.
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My daughter also is clearly aware of the connection.
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During our conversation, she admitted that she knew when to keep
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her distance when I first came home from work, and how she could
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tell when I responded to a bad automobile wreck or had been
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involved in a high-speed chase. Recently, when I considered
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returning to law enforcement, she emphatically stated to a
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friend, "No, I don't want my daddy doing that again!"
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When looking for causes of family turmoil, we often focus
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on the negative aspects of the job--the shift work, being on
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call, the constant exposure to pain and suffering. Compounding
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the situation are the frustrations caused by the court system or
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the department's administration that seems to offer rigid
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discipline and little support. All have negative effects on
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personal relationships.
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The negative aspects, however, are only part of the
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problem. The positive aspects, when taken home, are just as
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destructive. The traits and dispositions that make exceptional
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police officers unfortunately can also make very poor spouses,
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parents, and friends. To the extent that these traits and
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dispositions are developed and supported through police training
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programs and peer support systems, we seem to have
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institutionalized marital and family turmoil in our profession.
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DISPOSITIONS
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To understand what I mean, it is first necessary to
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understand the patterned responses police officers develop to
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help themselves function in similar situations. These patterned
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responses are called "dispositions," (1) which help us to
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respond quickly and without conscious thinking to similar
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events. Without dispositions, we would have to evaluate every
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event, decide on the best course of action, or think about how
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to perform each action.
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But, dispositions are more than habits; they include
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thoughts, emotions, and actions. For example, as a trooper,
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when I observed a vehicle being operated in a reckless manner, I
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would think, "That guy's dangerous. He needs a ticket!" I
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might feel keyed up and even somewhat apprehensive and
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aggressive as I prepared to stop the vehicle. Then, I would
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check the traffic, place my vehicle in the proper position, and
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stop the suspect.
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These thoughts, emotions, and actions make up a disposition
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a patterned response to a repeated event. Training, peer
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modeling, and repeated similar experiences developed my
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disposition to traffic violators.
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DISPOSITION TRANSFERENCE
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Occasionally, dispositions developed for a professional life
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transfer to personal situations in such a way that they are
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destructive. Quite simply, it happens when an officer "takes
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the job home."
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When my daughter, who is learning to drive, makes a reckless
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maneuver, I think, "That's dangerous, she has to be
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corrected!" Feeling keyed up, apprehensive, and aggressive, I
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respond, "If you do that again, you won't drive for a month!"
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It is the same response I made to a traffic violator years ago as
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a trooper. The disposition is still active. It may have been
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appropriate as a trooper on patrol, but with my daughter, it is
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inappropriate and destructive to our relationship. Besides, such
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a response does not help her to learn how to drive.
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Transferring professional dispositions is a serious problem
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for police officers, especially since most officers are unaware
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that it occurs. To make matters worse, police officers usually
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assume these dispositions are appropriate. We cannot understand
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why the rest of the world does not think, feel, and act in the
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same manner. When my wife tells me that I am being too hard on
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my daughter, I respond bluntly, "She's got to learn to drive
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right!" Then, we are likely to argue about the appropriate way
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to discipline children. Not teach, mind you, but discipline.
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And so, the cycle goes on.
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LAW ENFORCEMENT DISPOSITIONS
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To Be Professional
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In recent years, talk has centered on the professional
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police officer, one who is well-trained, well-equipped, and
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well-paid. But, how does professionalism translate into a
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disposition?
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As a trooper, I dressed neatly, spoke politely, and carried
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out my duties with authority. This seemed to capture the
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professional image. My professional disposition kept me alive in
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many situations, and there is no doubt that my professional image
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helped to build the public's respect and cooperation. Besides,
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it makes us feel good about ourselves.
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Yet, this same disposition can have a destructive effect on
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family relationships. For example, when I came home after being
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on patrol for 8 hours, I walked into the house still carrying
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myself erect with the hat pulled down over my eyes. My kids
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would run up to greet me, but would stop short of jumping into my
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arms. In fact, they kept their distance. This professional
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image is at least part of what my daughter referred to as
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"unapproachable." The professional dispositions, which worked
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in a law enforcement context, were inappropriate at home. I
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should not have been looking for the same type of respect in my
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family relationships that I sought in my job.
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Another detrimental effect of this disposition is that my
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family knows the image is a facade. At home, I dress like a
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slob, am known to slump on the couch watching some dumb TV
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program, and can be heard cursing about some chore I do not want
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to do. In short, they have seen me when I was anything but
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professional. When I act out my professional image at home, they
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either respond to me as being pompous or refuse to take me
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seriously.
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All of this sets into motion a destructive spiral. As my
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family pulls away, I accuse them of not caring. When I perceive
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that they do not respect me, I fight for that respect in other
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destructive ways, pulling myself away even farther from my
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family.
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As a trooper, the professional disposition built respect and
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self-confidence. Occasionally, it even helped to keep me alive.
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However, in my relationship with my family, it built a wall
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between us, and at times, left me feeling alienated and alone.
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To Take Control
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A police officer is expected to be in control, no matter
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what the situation. We act out this disposition--taking
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control--every time we respond to a radio call or observe a
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violation. Once we decide on a course of action, there is the
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badge, gun, and backup to enforce it. And, although our actions
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may be questioned later, in the heat of the moment we are in
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control. Taking control is at the heart of what it means to be
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a police officer.
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But, what happens when we take this disposition home? In
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varying degrees, we become dominating spouses and authoritarian
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parents. Take, for example, the day my wife was trying to get
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our son to wash the dishes. They were locked in a battle of
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wills. After I walked into the kitchen, I evaluated the
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situation and immediately took control. I admonished my wife for
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being bossy, talked to my son about responsibility, and told
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everyone else to leave the room so that the job could get done.
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In less than 5 minutes, I issued a warning, dispersed the
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participants in the dispute, and got the job done. I acted like a
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good trooper. The problem was that I still had to live with
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these people. I could not get into my patrol car and drive away.
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Predictably, my wife and I argued, my daughter defended her
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mother, my son sulked, and I justified my actions like a good
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trooper. Everyone was upset, all because I took control.
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My actions were totally inappropriate in the context of the
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family relationship. I embarrassed my wife in front of the family
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and undermined her authority. In the end, I alienated myself from
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everyone. This was not a situation that called for me to take
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control. Probably, it did not require any response from me at
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all. If it called for a response, it should have been a
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supportive, caring response, not an authoritative one. The
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disposition to take charge was destructive when acted out in my
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family relationships.
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To Remain Detached
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Police officers encounter a substantial amount of pain and
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suffering, and each time, we must deal with it regardless of the
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situation. The training to handle whatever comes our way starts
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early. From the first day at the academy, we are told repeatedly
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never to become emotionally involved. This desensitization keeps
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us from being devastated by the human tragedy we encounter daily.
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Emotional uninvolvement is part of the job.
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One day, while riding with another police officer as part of
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a training program, we responded to a suicide. We found two old
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women sobbing uncontrollably, while a young man screamed and beat
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the wall with his fists. His brother had hung himself in the
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next room. The officer's only response to all of this was to
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threaten to arrest the women and the brother if they did not keep
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quiet.
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The training was clear. The only way to deal with this type
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of situation was to remain detached, and he expected the victim's
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relatives to respond in the same detached way.
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It's not hard to see what happens when we take this
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disposition to remain detached home with us. When my wife's
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mother died, I wanted very much to comfort her, but all I felt
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was impatience with the whole matter. As hard as I tried, I
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could not empathize with her pain, and I knew she could feel my
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impatience and detachment.
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To remain detached in emotionally charged situations serves
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us as police officers in emergencies. Without it we probably
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could not function. But when we take this disposition home, it
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is destructive. For me it was a major component of what Michelle
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was talking about when she told me that I was not there for her
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when she needed me as a child.
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To Question Everything
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Police officers are trained specifically to be suspicious
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of everything. In the legitimate interest of safety, we
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approach every vehicle and every person as a potential threat.
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We frequently sit with our backs to restaurant walls and often
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follow regulation by carrying a weapon everywhere we go.
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An investigator questions the truthfulness of every
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statement made by criminals, witnesses, and victims. Even when
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preliminary information contains no indication of deception,
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investigators with well-developed investigative dispositions
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keep asking themselves what they missed. Even as I write this
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article, I recognize that I am predisposed to ferret out the
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negative aspects of my police experience rather than the
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positive ones that were obviously present.
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There are good and valid reasons for questioning everything.
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Quite honestly, it keeps police officers alive and solves cases.
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Questioning everything permeates police training. Once I
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helped to teach a class on vehicle stops. For several days, we
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put the group through every conceivable situation in which they
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could get hurt or deceived. During the simulations, the trainees
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were lied to, argued with, threatened, and shot. Not one
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situation involved an honest person who engendered trust.
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Indeed, such focus on the risks involved in routine traffic stops
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serves to keep officers alive.
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However, when applied to family situations, questioning
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everything quite simply makes spouses and children suspects in
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every family encounter. When I discovered that my hairbrush was
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not on the dresser where I always keep it, I caught myself going
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from family member to family member, basically conducting a
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criminal investigation. I questioned each person critically, and
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when no one confessed, I went back and questioned them again.
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The second time around the questions were even more pointed.
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They sounded frightfully like interrogations, complete with
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accusation and trick questions designed to trip them up. When my
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daughter got angry, ran up the stairs, and slammed her door, I
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simply responded, "I was just trying to find my damn brush!"
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It was not wrong to ask family members what happened to my
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brush. The problem was in the approach and the underlying
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attitude of distrust. When they denied knowing where the brush
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was, I did not believe them. I accused them of lying to me. I
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responded like a trooper, not like a husband and father.
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The important point to be made here is that this was not a
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thought-out response. I did not want to act this way. It was a
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patterned response that was triggered by the situation. Given
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the same type of situation at work, the response would have been
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appropriate. With my family, it served to create conflict and
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distance between us.
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This disposition has been the most destructive in the way I
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handle situations involving my teenage daughters. Like most
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parents, one of my greatest fears is that my kids will become
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involved with drugs. But, there are good reasons why I trust my
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kids when it comes to drugs. Yet, let one of them come home
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late, looking even a little tired, and the disposition to
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question is triggered. Recently, when Michelle came home really
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tired and stressed out, I knew there were good reasons for her
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appearance. But, I immediately started looking into her eyes and
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asking questions that could only indicate that I thought she
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might have been using drugs. I really didn't think so, but I
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still asked the questions.
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Michelle's usual response to such questioning is
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accompanied by anger. This time it was different. She simply
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looked at me and said, "You really believe I've been using
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drugs, don't you." The pain in her eyes overshadowed the
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tiredness. Of course, I denied it and tried to explain. But,
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the damage was done. After discussing the matter, I think she
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understood. But, the subconscious effects of that encounter on
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our relationship, and others like it, will never be fully known
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to either of us.
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CONCLUSION
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Transferring professional dispositions to one's personal
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life can have a destructive effect. With a little reflection,
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every law enforcement officer can find instances of this
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occurring either in family relationships or in other personal
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situations.
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This transference also poses a very serious problem, one
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that is not recognized or dealt with in police training
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programs. In fact, it is often denied outright, while we argue
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that the rest of the world is out of step. However,
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professional dispositions cut at the heart of what it means to
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be distinctively human.
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The facade of professionalism keeps family members and
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friends at a distance. Recognizing this, where do we go from
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here? While talking to a friend, I stated candidly, "Maybe what
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makes a good police officer doesn't make a good human being!" I
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hope this is not true, and I sincerely do not believe that it is.
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But, some aspects of the profession change us and cause us
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serious problems for the rest of our lives. If we as police
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officers are to live full and rewarding lives, and especially if
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we are to maintain meaningful relationships with our spouses,
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families, and friends, we must face these and other problems of
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our profession.
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We need to work hard to deactivate those destructive
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dispositions when we leave the job. We must allow ourselves to
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become vulnerable, to show respect and concern. Most
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importantly, we have to find a way to trust our loved ones.
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The problem is not inherent in the profession; it is not
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caused totally by society or the system. Yet, neither the
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profession nor society will find the solution apart from us. In
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the end, we are the only ones with the necessary motivation or
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insight to find a better way.
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FOOTNOTE
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(1) Adrian Van Kaam, Formative Spirituality Human Formation,
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vol. 2 (New York: Crossroad Publishing, 1985), chap. 1.
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