170 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
170 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
From singer@constance.rutgers.edu Tue May 24 04:54:09 1988
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From: singer@constance.rutgers.edu (Hal Singer)
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Subject: How to Properly Post
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Date: 24 May 88 09:54:09 GMT
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Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
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The USENET Guide to Power Posting
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1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
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can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously
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a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
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net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI
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Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors.
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2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a
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lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that
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I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered
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me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie."
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3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones
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states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand
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documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's
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cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.
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4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
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of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
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times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam",
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"vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo".
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5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
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convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
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State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
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Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
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"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
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the word 'premeiotic' ".
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6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
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Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
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qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by
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using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case
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of penis envy."
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7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
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citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
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by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
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cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a
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fascist, or both.
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8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
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have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
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have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
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Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off.
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9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
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should intimidate just about anyone.
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10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember
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this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET
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you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
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better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
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arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
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there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah?
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Well, you do strange things with vegetables."
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11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the
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favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this
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is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect.
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12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man
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basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate
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men.
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13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the
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linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it.
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14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
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sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
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"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
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15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
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the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
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rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths
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until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
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16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about
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anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks
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add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not
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being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it.
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17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up.
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This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on
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the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men.
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18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't
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worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp
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you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a
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forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke
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into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to
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get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before.
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19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it
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really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles,
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it can make you a net-legend.
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20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless
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you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as
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many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The
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important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a
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"regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when
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following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER"
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in every article.
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Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try
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an example:
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In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes:
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> Dear Sally,
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I object to your use of the word "dear". It shows you are a
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condescending, sexist Pman. Also, the submissive tone you use shows
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that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.
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> While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought"
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> to be extremely thought-provoking,
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"Thought-provoking"? I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece
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of swamp slime. :-) (No flames, please)
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> it really shouldn't have been
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> posted in Soc.women.
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What? Are you questioning my judgment? I'll have you know that I'm
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a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my
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PMS exam. Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things.
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This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT!
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Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a
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conspiracy against me. You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been
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constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! If this
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doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men.
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> Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.
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It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the
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Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you
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believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't
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spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would
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have realized this.
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> Your article would
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> be much more appropriate there.
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Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my
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attorney, and signed by you in your blood. Besides, you don't really exist
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anyway, you Pseudo, you.
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> If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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> Bill.
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Sally Sourpuss
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"If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?"
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Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT!
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