165 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
165 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 11 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 1
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(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Arnold Lint have just received the 'Video
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Testament' - a scripture said to contain the answer to Life, the Net,
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and Everything.)
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Rod: Well, go on, read it.
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Arnold Lint:Do you think we should?
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Xaphod: Yah, why not.
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Martin: I can think of a few reasons.
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Gillian: Quiet, we're going to find out what it all means. Aren't you
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the least bit excited.
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Martin: (droning sarcastically) Oh yes, I can hardly contain myself.
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Xaphod: Never mind him, lets read this amazingly amazing book.
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(They open the book and it speaks to them.)
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Book: Hark, who goest there.
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Rod: Uh, who are you?
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Book: I . . . am the Video Testament. The compendium of all
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knowledge and smart stuff from the mythical age of Kubla
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Konthemasus. You may call me . . . Ralph.
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"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" has this to say about the mythical
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ruler Kubla Konthemasus: He was reported to be from Austria or Germany.
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He was supposed to be short and have a funny little mustache. He was
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supposed to have died in 1945 and then be reborn in Argentina. His
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followers looked upon him as a sort of Messiah, who would lead them to
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the land of Silk and Money. All of this is, of course, purely
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hypothetical; as were Konthemasus' friends Herman (Hermie) McGoering,
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and Crazy Joe Stalinson.
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Xaphod: Ralph?
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Ralph: Well, what do you expect?
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Rod: Well, not Ralph.
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Gillian: Can you tell us . . .
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Ralph: The answer to Life, the Net, and Everything.
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Gillian: . . . why yes.
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Arnold Lint:That's amazing.
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Xaphod: To you it would be.
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Rod: Tell us what it all means.
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Ralph: You won't like it.
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Martin: That's no surprise.
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Xaphod: Just ignore him.
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Ralph: Well, it all began sometime in the 1950's. A group of very
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wealthy and powerful men assembled in Argentina under the
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guidance of a man calling himself Kubla Konthemasus. This
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group of magnates were from various political affiliations -
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Nazis, Communists, Capitalists, and Urologists. They all
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liked money and wanted to rule the world. They also
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realized that TV was going to be the tool that would give
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them the leverage they needed.
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Xaphod: I don't like the way this is starting to sound.
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Rod: Me neither.
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Ralph: I warned you.
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Martin: You should have listened to him.
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Arnold Lint:Go on.
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Ralph: Well, they began to infiltrate the TV industry. Soon they
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not only owned huge percentages of each network, but had
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also emplaced their own people into many of the creative
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positions at each network. Then they began to manipulate
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things. They decided to cast the world in an image that they
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could easily control. So each little kid on TV was either
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predictably (and sickeningly) nice and helpful, or
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predictably always getting into trouble. Women were either
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predictably aggressive or predictably obtuse. You see, they
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set up patterns of behavior that they could count on. Once
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they could predict and control how the public would react
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to something, they could do whatever they wanted. Whenever
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they wanted to do something really tricky (like when they
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took over the Mid-East oil fields in the late 70's and early
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80's) they made sure to get the country thinking their way
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before hand with a massive TV bombardment. If it was a topic
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that they knew nobody would go for no matter how they
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publicized it, they flooded the airways with those sickening
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human emotion type TV-movies. Things like "Plight of the
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Forgotten Children" or "Why is Daddy always angry?". The
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kind of stuff that makes you want to blow lunch.
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Rod: Wow, that's amazing.
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Xaphod: Yah.
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Ralph: Their greatest triumph was getting a president elected.
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Their plan was simple. They made sure that the east coast
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was for their candidate, leaving the west coast alone. Then,
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on election day, the TV 'predictions' claimed their
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candidate to be a sure winner. Due to the time difference,
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all the people on the west coast thought the election was
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over anyway and didn't even bother to vote.
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Xaphod: Wow, imagine getting a president elected by manipulating the
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media.
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Ralph: And guess what . . . he was an actor!
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Gillian: What a coincidence.
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Rod: Yah, imagine that.
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Martin: Doesn't surprise me . . . I expect such things from humans.
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Arnold Lint:But what does all this have to do with the Net?
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Gillian: Yah, controlling TV is great but most people in the Net are
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far too dedicated to their work to partake of anything as
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tacky as TV. We're all thoroughly dedicated professionals.
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(If it were possible for an android to suppress a burst of
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uncontrollable laughter, that is what Martin could now be described as
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doing.)
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Rod: Yah what about the Net!?
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Ralph: Well . . .
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******************** End Of Part 11 ********************
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What are the interests of this Neo-Nazi-Communist-Capitalist
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organization in the Net? The answer will surprise you - unless you're a
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great stupid twit. To find out more . . . Tune in next time . . . same
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Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
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danielle
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