132 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
132 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
==========================================================================
|
||
== ==
|
||
== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
|
||
== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
|
||
== esses are: ==
|
||
== ==
|
||
== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
|
||
== ==
|
||
== or ==
|
||
== ==
|
||
== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
|
||
==========================================================================
|
||
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
|
||
Episode 7
|
||
|
||
(Xaphod, Gillian, Rod, Martin, and Arnold Lint continue their descent
|
||
into the heart of Netrothea. Flarg Brittashik has vanished leaving only
|
||
a tin of Putrina Rat Chow in his stead.)
|
||
|
||
Xaphod: Wow, that was far out!
|
||
Martin: If you say so.
|
||
|
||
(All of a sudden, the 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts up . . .
|
||
Star Wars type music kicks in . . . Once upon a time, in a Net far, far
|
||
away, a band of steadfast hackers are fighting a gallant fight. Vast
|
||
swarms of nauseatingly repetitious messages are swamping their news.
|
||
They must retaliate. This is their story . . . This is Zar Wars. . .
|
||
All the nodes beginning with the letter Z have banded together, they are
|
||
tired of always being last because the Net does everything
|
||
alphabetically. They decide to stage a bold attack and make their
|
||
presence known! to this end they devised a cunning scheme to echo their
|
||
news articles across the known Net several multiple times each posting.
|
||
In this way, they would be assured the attention they feel they deserve.
|
||
Net.landers are at this moment preparing for a counterattack. They are
|
||
preparing massive Photocomplaint rays, Gargantugripe bombs, and the ever
|
||
deadly Super plasmicautor - ever berating mega moleculo zapper dingle
|
||
dangle dongle hyper intensified- new and improved timewarping complaint
|
||
field generators. The last device is one of the most feared (and hardest
|
||
to pronounce) in the known Net. Its power is so incredible that grown
|
||
men have been known to pull out their own livers rather than be
|
||
subjected to its awesome force.)
|
||
|
||
Rod: Turn that off!
|
||
Xaphod: (Doing so) Yah, what a drag.
|
||
Arnold Lint:Well, what do we do now.
|
||
Gillian: I guess we keep going.
|
||
Martin: Do we have to?
|
||
All: Yes!
|
||
Arnold Lint:Sure could go for a cup of tea.
|
||
Xaphod: (Mumbling to himself) Stupid git!
|
||
Martin: Do you people really think this is necessary? Why can't you
|
||
be satisfied with things as they are? Must you always try to
|
||
change them - things can only get worse.
|
||
Xaphod: Look you morose metal moron, we're going on so shut up. Look
|
||
upon this as an adventure into a whole new life.
|
||
Martin: Oh no, not another.
|
||
|
||
(The stairwell they are on leads into a huge room. So huge that it
|
||
defies commentary, only to say that it is, in fact, bloody huge. Off in
|
||
the distance there is a faint light. Arnold Lint and company head for
|
||
it. Two weeks later they arrive. the light is being emitted from a
|
||
strange kind of TTY. There is a plaque nearby which reads: "For the
|
||
answer to Life, the Net and Everything, type in 'Help'. For dirty books
|
||
or leather goods, ring bell for service. The Inter-Net Megamind Exchange
|
||
and Novelty Shoppe thanks you for your patronage of our establishment".)
|
||
|
||
Arnold Lint:Wow, the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything!
|
||
Xaphod: Who cares, lets get at the dirty books!
|
||
Rod: Yah! I wonder if they have "Advanced Necrophilia for
|
||
Scientists and Engineers" or "Yes, you can be a Toad-Sexer"?
|
||
Arnold Lint:Dirty books, way out here?
|
||
Xaphod: Of course, depravity is the universal language.
|
||
Pornographic material is generally considered legal tender
|
||
anywhere in the Net. I once lived for a whole year on
|
||
Carnolea, just on trading my old "Gland" magazines and
|
||
lubricants for supplies.
|
||
Gillian: (Disgusted by the antics of Rod and Xaphod)Lets see the
|
||
answer already - boy what sicko's.
|
||
Xaphod: OK, but then can we get some dirty books.
|
||
|
||
(Xaphod types in 'HELP' to the keyboard. Strange hummings and buzzings
|
||
start to emanate from the TTY. The cryptic characters "101010" appear on
|
||
the screen.)
|
||
|
||
[********************************************************************
|
||
"The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" points out that the number 42, when
|
||
viewed in it's binary representation is in fact, quite revealing. There
|
||
are many theories for what it actually means. The adult magazine "Spurt"
|
||
suggests that it is the perfect pattern for an orgy, three males and
|
||
three females being the supposed ideal. The actual shape of the
|
||
characters of '101010' seem to bear this out. Also the fact that it does
|
||
go 'boy-girl-boy . . . ' also helps. The religious magazine 'Modern
|
||
Moral Majority' (MMM) suggests that it is in fact a message from God.
|
||
The pattern indicates that two of the same sex shall not have
|
||
intercourse. The fact that there are equal numbers of both male and
|
||
female indicates that monogamous relationships are the thing to do.
|
||
Also the fact that, when read, left to right, the man always comes
|
||
first, really gave them an edge on the ERA (who really didn't listen
|
||
anyway). Most other people simply wondered why everyone thought the
|
||
binary sequence had anything at all to do with sex.
|
||
******************************************************************]
|
||
|
||
Rod: That's it?
|
||
Xaphod: Apparently.
|
||
Gillian: There must be more than just 42.
|
||
Martin: I certainly hope not.
|
||
Xaphod: Well, lets try to get some more info!
|
||
|
||
(Xaphod once again starts typing at the TTY. Characters flash and
|
||
buzzers buzz. The TTY finally gives up, it types out: "All right
|
||
already, if you really want the answers, take the service elevator to
|
||
the 127,366,247th floor, then follow the green line till it meets the
|
||
blue line till it meets the orange line till it becomes the slightly off
|
||
white line. Then climb out the window, jump off and ask for Ralph.
|
||
He'll tell you the whole story. Now push off, I've had a bad day. (To
|
||
itself now) Where did I put those Valliums. Crap, I need a drink . . )
|
||
|
||
Xaphod: Oh well, what do we have to loose.
|
||
Martin: Not much really, just our lives. Of course, my life means so
|
||
little already, I doubt I'd mind if it were lost.
|
||
Rod: Quiet.
|
||
|
||
******************** End Of Part 7 ********************
|
||
|
||
What is the actual answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Will Arnold
|
||
Lint get his tea? Will Xaphod get his dirty book? Will the net sponsor a
|
||
Pot-Luck-Orgy? For the answers to these and many other pointless
|
||
questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same
|
||
Net-channel.
|
||
|
||
danielle
|
||
|