502 lines
17 KiB
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502 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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This is the Frequently Asked Questions list for alt.buddha.short.fat.guy.
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It is posted infrequently enough to be frustrating but often enough
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to be annoying. Relax. Have a cigar.
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A friend writes:
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>Yes, you are correct, it is annoying and it is not funny. It
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>displays a profound ignorance of Buddhism and a remarkable
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>insensitivity to the millions of people who practice it.
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As we said, "Relax. Have a cigar." More precisely, "Mu."
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Contents
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Section 1. Getting Started
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Section 2. The Buddha
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Section 3. Buddha Nature
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Section 4. El Dupree
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Section 5. The a.b.s.f.g Cafeteria
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Section 6. Quotes from Our Readers
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Appendix B. Eddifying List of Doubtful and Unconditionally
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Purposeless Reasons Explaining the namE
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Note that vertical bars in column 75 indicate lines that have been
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added or changed since that last posting of the FAQ. Deleted lines |
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are indicated by, well, being deleted. |
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Send questions for inclusion in this list to Alf@afs.com.
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***************************
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Section 1. Getting Started
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***************************
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1-1. Does this newsgroup have a FAQ list?
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Yes.
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1-2. How can I get it?
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Apparently, you don't.
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1-3. Does this newsgroup have a purpose?
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Yes.
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1-4. Which is?
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See question 1-2.
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1-5. Is this an actual newsgroup, or is my system being toyed with? |
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Yes, and yes. |
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1-6. Shouldn't you change the name? THE Buddha wasn't short or fat. |
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Besides, it's insulting to real Buddhists.
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See questions 2-4, 4-3, 1-6, and Appendix B.
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1-7. For people who claim to be buddhists, you guys are awfully X. |
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What? Irreverent? Silly? Disrespectful? Intelligent? |
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Strong? Handsome? Shapely? Turquoise? What??!! |
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1-8. Arrrggghhh! Fine, then, do what you like. |
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Heh. Don't tell me what to do!
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**********************
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Section 2. The Buddha
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**********************
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2-1. Who was the Buddha?
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The Buddha, originally called Gautama, was a young Ksatriya
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of comfortable means who became disillusioned with his bourgeois
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existence and set out to find himself. He adopted an austere
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way of life, even abandoning his Doors tapes - certainly not
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standard procedure for those on similar quests. Eventually,
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he achieved enlightenment, whereupon he became known as "The
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Buddha," "The Enlightened One," or, to his friends, "Budd
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Light."
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2-2. Isn't it silly having so many names for one person?
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I'm sorry. I can't argue unless you've paid.
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2-3. Wait, what about the "Buddah"?
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He spends his time hanging out with Ghandi in New Dheli.
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Munching on gerkhins, no doubt.
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2-4. Is the purpose of this newsgroup to insult the Buddha?
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No. However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was
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veneration, perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting
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him. You have deeply troubled us.
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Section 3. Buddha Nature
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3-1. What is Buddha nature?
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As that prominent Buddhist, Louis Armstrong, said: "If you
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have to ask, you'll never know."
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3-2. Does "X" have Buddha nature?
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"X" does, but you don't. Exception: if "X" is Rush Limbaugh,
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he doesn't and you do.
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3-3. Could you repeat that?
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Yes.
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3-4. How many times will I hear the "hot dog vendor/one with everything"
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joke in this newsgroup?
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More times than there are grains of sand on all the beaches
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of the world.
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3-5. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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A tree in a golden forest.
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3-6. So Master, is the soul immortal or not? Do we survive our
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bodily death or do we get annihilated? Do we really reincarnate?
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Does our soul split up into component parts which get recycled,
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or do we as a single unit enter the body of a biological
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organism? And do we retain our memories or not? Or is the
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doctrine of reincarnation false? Is perhaps the Christian
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notion of survival more correct? And if so, do we get bodily
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resurrected, or does our soul enter a purely Platonic spiritual
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realm?
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Your breakfast is getting cold.
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3-7. Walking along a crowded sidewalk a wanderer noticed an old
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man with a bottle in one hand and a wooden bowl in the other,
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sitting against a wall and shouting, "Alms for the thirsty!"
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As the wanderer approached, the man took a long drink and
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repeated his plea.
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Reaching into his pocket, the wanderer pulled out a coin and
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placed it in the bowl. Instead of the usual response - thank
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you, bless you, or mere silence - the man peered up and said,
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"Remember one thing, boy. Zen is not a philosophy. Zen is
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not a religion. Zen is just a damn attitude."
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The wanderer laughed and said, "Thank you."
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3-8. Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink. The bartender
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asks him, "Would you like another?" Descartes pauses and
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says, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
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The bartender is enlightened.
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3-9. So, Enlightened One, are you able to affect the physical
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universe in a way fundamentally different from that before
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starting your meditation practice? I mean, can you forecast
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the future precisely, move distant heavy objects by thought,
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emit high-power radio or ultraviolet waves, etc.?
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Better yet, I can hop on one foot.
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3-10. A funny thing happened in the bookshop today. I was looking
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in the New Age section for Zen books. They were spread all
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over the place. I turned to the assistant behind the counter:
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"Excuse me?"
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"Yes, sir?"
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"Why aren't all the books on Zen together?"
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"Because Zen has nothing to do with itself, sir."
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*********************
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Section 4. El Dupree
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*********************
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4-1. Does El Dupree have Buddha Nature?
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Yes.
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4-2. Does the Buddha have El Dupree Nature?
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Often.
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4-3. Who is El Dupree?
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He is the true short.fat.guy, Ghost of the Western Plain, an
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unbathed drifter of much notoriety, who gave us the game
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CamChata, "Devil Fingers."
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4-4. Huh?
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What he said.
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4-5. Are there koans in the tradition of El Dupree?
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There were several developed in the 50's, but there are only
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re-runs now.
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4-6. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
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Get serious. I've changed a lot since then.
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4-7. Tell me a koan.
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Read on:
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El Dupree came upon an injured cur on the road to Mejave Mai.
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"Rise cur," El Dupree said, casually pushing up the brim of
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his big spangled sombrero. He sucked air through his teeth
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and waited. The cur glanced sidelong at the colorful stranger
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and hissed, "Yeah, riiiight. A fucking miracle worker? A
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talking hat? Funny man from downtown?"
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El Dupree reached for his revolver, hesitated, and instead,
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took out a #14 vinyl headsack. Yes, it was going to be a
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long day, he thought.
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And the dog was enlightened.
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4-8. Do I have time for another koan?
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You have 15 minutes before the last bus leaves. Read on:
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Pepito could just see daylight through the seams of the #14
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vinyl headsack. He found that if he cocked his head slightly
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to one side, he could glimpse, through the splitting seam of
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the headsack (the aging headsack, the headsack that smelled
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of masa harina and hair oil, the hated headsack of enforced
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ignorance), one crusty corner of El Dupree's mouth. El Dupree
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licked his lips, his tongue the color of well-cured meerschaum,
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and muttered, "Yust you vate."
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Pepito was enlightened.
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4-9. What's CamChata?
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Read on:
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The big-hatted lone figure on the horizon went unnoticed by
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the sleeping man curled next to the pile of blackened chicken
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bones. Faint dust devils rose behind the approaching stranger's
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horse and the morning sun let play its light on the little
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dangling balls on the brim of El Dupree's impressive sombrero.
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Yes, men had made fun of the proud sombrero, but those men
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were dead, El Dupree thought to himself as he spurred toward
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the sleeping man he would soon awaken and challenge to the
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deadliest of all games, the game that had made its way from
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Tierra del Fuego, across Chile, and into the heart of Mexico:
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CamChata! Devil Fingers!!
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4-10. Does CamChata hurt?
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Oh, baby, does it ever. Read on:
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I rebel.
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Grandfather.
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Embrace me.
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I rebel.
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Yarn on the left, stones in groups of three and one, the
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lizard bleeding from my fingernails.
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I rebel.
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4-11. Is there more poetry inspired by El Dupree?
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Yes.
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***********************************
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Section 5. The a.b.s.f.g Cafeteria
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***********************************
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We are pleased to announce that the following dishes are available
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on the menu. Please continue to patronize your cafeteria as you
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always have in the past.
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Thanks,
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The Cafeteria Staff
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5-1. Buddha's Koan Stew - Only the enlightened know what's in it.
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5-2. Samsara Pizza - So ordinary it's extra special.
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5-3. Prajna Beef - It is beef. It is not beef.
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5-4. Mind over Matzo - Mix Talmud with your Sutra.
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5-5. Dhyana Chicken - After just one serving, you'll meditate for
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hours atop the porcelain throne.
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******************************************
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Section 6. Quotes from Our Readers
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******************************************
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NOTE: If you try to be deep, you're not. If your quote gets
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included here even so, rest assured we know you tried and
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we're laughing at you. You know who you are. So do we.
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Which quotes make up this section are solely determined by
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karma, divination, sun spots, and the whim of the keeper of
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the FAQ. Remember, fame can be a dangerous thing.
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6-1. Tim Larkin, March 31, 1993
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"Truth and falsehood are both whatever, and simultaneously not
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so, rather than not."
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6-2. Peter da Silva, April 24, 1993
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"That was Zen, this is Tao."
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6-3. From the Sundays at Moosewood Cookbook, April, 1993
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"Don't abandon Jambalaya if you don't want to make the roux."
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6-4. David L. Coffey, May 28, 1993
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"ZEN IS...Joyfully walking a never-ending path that does not
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exist. On a sojourn to a destination that does not exist.
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The delusion of your joy and the delusion of your existence
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are the only true reality."
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6-5. Forrest Cahoon, July 7, 1993
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"Uh...the Tao that can be posted...er, uh...never mind."
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6-6. R. J. Mulroy, August 24, 1993
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"Courage, serenity, and wisdom are just dry grass."
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6-7. John C. Abbe, aka Rademir, November 2, 1993
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"Nyah nyah, you're more enlightened than I am!"
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6-8. Mike "still watching t.v." Renning, February 9, 1994
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"It's not nice to fool Buddha Nature!"
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6-9. Johan van Zanten, March 21, 1994
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"I imagine that someone who is enlightened is more like a
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lighthouse in the distance, rather than a net cast about you."
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6-10. John Morton, March 21, 1994
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"Given the choice of buddha nature or a dog biscuit, is there
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any doubt which one a dog would choose?"
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6-11. Scot Carpenter, March 28, 1994
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"Don't put Descartes' before the horse..."
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6-12. Luke C. Bairan, May 13, 1994
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"The precepts are like a scaffolding used to erect a building,
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once the building is up we remove the scaffolding."
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6-13. Bill Keyes, June 3, 1994
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"Now put one of my damn quotes in the FAQ!!!!"
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6-14. Nova Spivak, June 26, 1994
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"I don't care how many levels of reality you posit, as soon
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you posit even one, it's turtles all the way down."
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6-15. Atanu Dey, July 24, 1994
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"Greater vehicle, lesser vehicle, no matter. All vehicles
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will be towed at owner's expense."
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6-16. Lefty Redux, July 26, 1994
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"Sneeze-grass weasel pump, mustard-ice zymotic; farflung
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perturbation, Cassiopoeia waistcoat sasquatch."
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***********************************************************************
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Appendix B. Eddifying List of Doubtful and Unconditionally Purposeless
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Reasons Explaining the namE
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***********************************************************************
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B-1. Bob Mulroy
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Look, every other day some cherry asks:
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"Why is this newsgroup called alt.buddha.short.fat.guy?
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The Buddha wasn't short or fat!"
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So how come we don't put in the FAQ the following disclaimer:
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You're right! He wasn't short or fat. In fact we've NEVER
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seen a shakya who was short OR fat! Unless they were
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_gravely_ ill.
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The point is, that most of the unwashed have the impression
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that the rotund, jowley fellow who sits in the lotus-position
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in most Chinese restaurants is the Buddha. The group's
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name makes as much sport of that impression as it does
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anything else.
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In fact, if you have an idea of the Buddha, WE'RE MAKING
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FUN OF YOU!!! NAA NAA NAAAA NAAAA NAAAAA!!!
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B-2. Alf the Poet
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The Original Buddha definitely was not short and fat. As
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I KEEP ON SAYING, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER in this
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group, the short.fat.guy after whom the group is named is NOT
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the Buddha, it's El Dupree. Catch up, people!
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B-3. Sari Ellen Stiles
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I'm sick of answering this question.
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B-4. Jim Huddle
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The Buddha was actually the 'tall cool one', of whom Robert
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Plant sang in the late 80's, as his comeback career seemed
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to have amazing s.f.g overtones.
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After the ascetic thing, he could never really get the poundage
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up to the level of his college days, where his nickname was
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"blott-ho." It is that chubby, beehr-bellhied bohy that the
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s.f.g. "RUB MY TUMMY!!" statues are fashioned after.
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It is him, not the drab, "post-enlight-orate," cool figure
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of the days after "the bodhi incedent," that we celebrate
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here at a.b.s.f.g.
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B-5. Tony Mook
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Oh, my Buddha! He was actually a very large man, 647.42 lbs.
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last time he was weighed. I am not sure if that included
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his wraps and sandles or not. I've got a picture of him
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right here but my scanner is down or I would send it to you
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to prove it.
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Next thing you will say was that he wasn't bald or that he
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wore Levi's 501 cutoffs daily or that he ate brown rice and
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drank purple tea and on and on and on and on and on and on
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and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and
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on and on and on and on. Whooooooooooooweeeeeeeeee!
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B-6. Lee Love
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Hee, hee, hee! No, but Curley of the Three Stooges was short
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and fat!
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B-7. Terry Alford
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What difference does it make whether Buddha was short, fat, or
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a guy?
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B-8. Karl Geiger
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Are you beginning to understand the joke now?
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B-9. WPrestonG
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It was cute the first time I read the group, but now it's
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getting tedious. How many times can you hear the same joke
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over and over again?
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B-10. Bill Keyes
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Until you finally get the joke, I suppose.
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I think the problem might be that quite a few people see the
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name, assume it is nothing more than a clever joke, an insult
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of the Buddha, or just a silly group name. That is when we
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have offended people.
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But the name is so much more than that. If one were to ask
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the master a question and got the answer "A dried shit-stick,"
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I think we'd all know what the master was saying.
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alt.buddha.short.fat.guy. Think of it as a koan, because
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that's what it is. And so much more.
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alt.buddha.short.fat.guy fills a need on the Usenet and, for
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some of us, in our own practice. Just as other groups fill
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other needs.
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There is no insult in the name. Only the highest honor and
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love possible. A dried shit-stick.
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==================================================================
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Copyright (C)1994 by Alf the Poet. All Rights Reserved.
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Nobody guarantees anything at all about what you find here.
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You may freely copy and distribute this document as long as you
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a) keep this entire notice (spaces too!) in any copies you make
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2) make no modifications (you're not that clever)
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D) receive nothing in return (except the joy of sharing)
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Violating this requirement will result in, well, just heaps of
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really bad karma. We know where you live.
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==================================================================
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