1293 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
1293 lines
37 KiB
Plaintext
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ ³
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³ STONEHENGE BBS ³
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³ SAN RAFAEL, CA. ³
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ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
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³ Your Sysop is John Chipps ³
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
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(415) 479-8328
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24 HOURS
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300-1200-2400 BAUD
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8-N-1
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The following are a collection of humorous
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text files that I have gathered from bulletin
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boards from across the country as well as from
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other sources. They have appeared weekly in the
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VARIETY section on STONEHENGE BBS. I would like
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to share this collection. If you have anything
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to add, your upload would be appreciated.
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PART III
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
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INTEL UNVEILS BELOW BOARD WITH EXPENDED MEMORY
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1 April 1986, Hillsboro, OR: Intel Corporation's Personal
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Computer Enhancement Operation (PCEO) today announced Below
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Board, a memory add-on device for the underachiever. Below Board
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is designed for the IBM PC, XT, AT and their compatibles or
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incompatibles. Below Board conforms to the -1.4 revision of a
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memory specification, the most negative revision to date. It is
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believed that Below Board will spawn a whole new generation of
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incompatible software as well as hardware.
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Below Board operates by moving Conventional RAM down to the
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memory space below 0K, where DOS can't conflict with it. The
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new memory space is called expended memory. This is a superior
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alternative to competitive products which allow normal software
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to fill-up the memory. Below Board always maintains at least
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640K of free memory. A side benefit to this method of memory
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management is that nearly 100% of the 8086 to 80286 processing
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capacity is kept available.
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Below Board establishes a new class of PC products known as
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Vacantware. Such products use an undocumented instruction in the
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8086 processor family called VANISH. The VANISH instruction
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places the CPU in Vapor mode, in which the expended memory can be
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erased or ignored. Expended memory is relatively efficient,
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since even CPU's that have been greatly speeded up, still only
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require one wait state. No other states are allowed.
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Shipments of Below Board are expected to begin within 2 to 15
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months. Prices and billings will be announced shortly after
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delivery. all orders must be placed prior to last year.
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----------------
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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page
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THE MACHO NERD
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By Dan Gutman
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There's a new breed of man around these days. I call him "The Macho
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Nerd." The Macho Nerd is the high-tech guy of the Nineties who proves his
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masculinity by letting the world know about his great computer system and how
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much he knows about technology.
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It no longer matters how athletic you are, how good-looking you are, or
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how much money you make. All that matters is your hardware.
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When you meet a Macho Nerd, the first thing he asks is "So...what kind of
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system do you have?"
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This is how The Macho Nerd sizes you up. Macintosh guys consider
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themselves superior to Apple II guys, and Apple II guys consider themselves
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superior to Commodore or Atari guys.
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IBM guys, naturally, consider themselves to be above everybody.
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I've met guys who were ashamed to tell me they still use an old TRS-80
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computer. They can't even look you in the eye when they say it, and make sure
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to add that they'll be buying a new computer any day now.
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I myself am embarrassed to admit to Macintosh aficionados that I still
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use "MacWrite," an adequate but elementary word processing program.
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"Whattsa matter, wimp?," they sneer, "Not man enough to handle "Microsoft
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Word"?
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To these computer literate bullies, bigger is better, new is good, old is
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bad, and the more money you paid for your equipment, the tougher you are.
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It isn't good enough to have a hard disk drive anymore. Now you've got
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to have a 40 MEGABYTE hard drive. It isn't good enough to have a RGB display.
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Now you've got to have a FULL PAGE display. And a scanner on your desktop
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always helps you earn respect.
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Real men don't use floppy disks. Bytes are for sissies. Megabytes are
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where it's at. The more the better. And the more desk space your computer
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system takes up, the more of a man you are.
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User friendliness is for wimps. Real men use hardware and software that
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is so incoherent and confusing that Einstein would give up in disgust.
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page
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Computer people used to hide their hobby from the rest of the world like
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it was an illicit activity. These days, you can't shut them up. Most
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coversations, it seems, eventually work their way to spreadsheets and data
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bases.
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When it reaches that point, they like to show off their manliness by
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spouting computer jargon. I know a few things about computers, but at a trade
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show recently a guy talked to me for a half an hour and I have absolutely no
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idea what he said. When he was finished, I felt like I had been beaten up
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by the neighborhood bully.
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The sad part is, it looks like The Macho Nerd is here to stay. Teenage
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boys used to dream about driving a four-on-the-floor Corvette with 400
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horsepower under the hood, mag wheels that could go from zero to sixty in less
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than seven seconds and a good-looking blonde in the passenger seat.
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These days, those same boys fantasize about a NEXT computer system with
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four megabytes of memory and a Hewlett Packard laser printer that will go
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from zero to 500 characters per second--and a good-looking blonde
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telecommunicating from her terminal across the country.
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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page
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NEW VERSION OF FOREM BBS SOFTWARE
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----------------------------------
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A new release of FoReM ST arrived yesterday. Among the features is
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yet another new file transfer protocol, 'ZZZMODEM.' This new protocol
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transfes data in blocks of 16 Megabytes, giving it the largest block size
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of any file transfer protocol in the Known Universe. The checksum for each
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block in a ZZZMODEM transfer is sent via XMODEM, for greater accuracy.
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"This new protocol will allow us to transfer data at rates up to one one-
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hundredth of one percent FASTER than by any previous method," explained
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Phil "Compu" Dweeb, a FoReM aficionado, pausing occasionally to wipe
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the drool from his chin.
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Industry insiders were quick to point out that using ZZZMODEM, it
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takes roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes to transfer a 20K file at 19,200 baud.
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Mr. Dweeb said that this problem has been dealt with. "Each block is padded
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with nulls, which take no time to send," he explained.
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The new version of FoReM ST also has the new "Recursive ARCing"
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feature. As Mr. Dweeb explains: "All download files are recursively ARCed
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by FoReM before being put online. Our experience has shown that when you
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ARC a file, it gets smaller. Therefore, the approach we have taken is to
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repeatedly ARC the file until it reaches a size of roughly 10K. At that
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point, it's hardly worth the trouble, wouldn't you say?"
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Reportedly in the works for a future release is the patented "One
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Length Encoding" process. Early reports suggest that this procedure can
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reduce the length of a file to just 1 bit. Mr. Dweeb takes up the story:
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"One day we were sitting around doing some hacken and phreaken, and one of
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us started thinking. All binary data is encoded into bits, which are
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represented by ones and zeros. This is because a wire can either carry a
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current or not, and wires can therefore be set up in a a series that can
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represent strings of ones and zeros. "Notice, however, that the real
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information is carried in the ones, since the others carry no current. I
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mean, what good does a wire do when it isn't carrying any current? So by
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dropping all the zeros, you can easily cut file sizes in half. So we
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decided that a cool way to speed up data transfer would be to only send the
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one bits. The results were phenomenal -- an average speed increase of 50%!!
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"After we finished the initial implementation, we kept finding ways to
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make the thing faster, and more efficient. But then we realised that we
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hadn't gone all the way. If you think about it, after you drop all the
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zeros, you're left with a string of ones. Simply count all the ones, and
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you're left with another binary string. Say you end up with 7541 ones. In
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binary, that's 1110101110101. So immediately we've reduced the number of
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bits from 7541 to 13. But by simply repeating the process, we can reduce it
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further. 1110101110101 becomes 111111111, or 9, which is 1001, which be-
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comes 2, which is 10, or 1.
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page
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Once we reach a string length of 1, we have
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reached maximum file com-pression. We now have the capability to encode
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virtually unlimited amounts of information into a single digit! Long-
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distance bills will never be the same! "Now, that's not to say that there
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aren't a few problems. The biggest one we have encountered is that for some
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reason, there seems to be a certain amount of data loss during the re-
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conversion process. It seems that sometimes the file cannot be expanded
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into its original form. So, the solution we came up with was to have an
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encryption key associated with each file. When a One Length Encoded file is
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received and is undergoing decompression, the unique encryption key must be
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supplied. That way, we end up with a 100% success rate in our conversions!
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"A problem which we are having difficulty resolving lies in the fact
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that to ensure a 100% success rate, the encryption key must be exactly as
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long as the original file. We are confident, however, that the use of our
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Recursive ARCing procedure will help to solve this problem..."
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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page?
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ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
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SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP
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Record number: H031944
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Device: D/T8550
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Model: M
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Hit count: UHC00000
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Success count: USC00000
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Publication code: PC50
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Tip key: 025
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Date created: O89/02/14
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Date last altered: A89/02/15
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Owning B.U.: USA
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Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit)
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TEXT:
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MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU.
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IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY, IT MAY
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BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT. BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF
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THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY
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TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.
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BEFORE ORDERING, DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING
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THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE. DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER
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THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER, DEPENDING UPON
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MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE
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POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD.
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MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE, HOWEVER, EXCESSIVE
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HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE.
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UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.
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IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR
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MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER
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MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING
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THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.
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P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS
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P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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[This came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring
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to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...]
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page?
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STAR TREK: IN SEARCH OF POWER
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"Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for
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320k. We're taking her out."
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"Aye, sir."
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"Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard
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drives."
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"Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is. The power supply just isn't
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built to take two hard drrrives."
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"Power, Scotty! I want more power! Chekov, install the disk cache.
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Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?"
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"Fascinating, Captain. It seems as if the turbo accelerator board
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is overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time,
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is slowing down the system performance."
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"Scotty, where is that power!?"
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"Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got. It's that miserable 80986
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with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has
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these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much. You'll
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have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and
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allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster."
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"Chekov, install the EMS board."
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"Yes, sir."
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"Uhura, any word from mainframe command?"
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"Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial
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port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting
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there."
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"Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?"
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"Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard
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disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities.
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Possibly an application. We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28
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gigahertz. I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too
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many bugs in the system! We'll have to do a proper shakedown."
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"Spock?"
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"Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be
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decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times. It may be
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more than we can handle."
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"Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive.
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Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal."
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"Mouse drive? ......Aye, Captain."
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"Now! Yes, Bones? What do you want?"
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"Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and
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some word processing. Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?"
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"Sulu?"
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"Captain, she's shifting into multitasking. Task one. Task two....
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Captain, I'm losing control at the helm. It looks like we've
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encountered a bad sector."
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page?
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"Put it on visual, Sulu."
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"Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir. Shifting resolution into
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EGA mode."
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"Spock? What's the problem?"
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"Unknown, Captain. Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null
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device." Trying 'grep'", now muttering, "whatever that is."
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"Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?"
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"Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds
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and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
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"Scotty, we're not using the math chip."
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"Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty
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minutes."
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"Uhura, notify mainframe command."
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"Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping
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into Shakespearean stutter mode again."
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"Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds
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and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...."
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"Enough Scotty!"
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"Captain! I'm getting a message from mainframe command......
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Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes
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of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language
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port now."
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"Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields. This could be a trick to
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get us back to card punching."
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"I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work
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yet."
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"Chekov, we need hardcopy! Fire HP LaserJet!"
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"Aye, sir."
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"Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?"
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"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!"
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"Scotty! Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?"
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"Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system
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with Unix. It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged
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down. Yer drainin me quartz crystals."
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"Chekov, report."
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"Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side of
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the screen before the windows have a chance to move..."
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"Spock? What's happening to our multitasking?"
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"It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of
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the many."
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"Captain, she's not even runnin on reserve now. We'll have to do a
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cold boot for surrre."
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"Bones?"
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"It's dead, Jim."
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page?
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REASONS TO HATE COMPUTERS
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They cost too much.
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They break down all the time.
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They're too hard to fix.
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All the different brands are incompatible.
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They take up too much desk space.
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They become obsolete five minutes after you leave the store.
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They don't understand plain English.
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You can't fix them by whacking them a few times with a hammer.
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Electronic bulletin boards never have enough thumbtacks.
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You have to know how to type to use them.
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They lose your data every time there's an electrical storm in the
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Western Hemisphere.
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They give off weird, otherworldly radiation that probably causes
|
|
cancer but we won't find out until we all have it. And they make you go
|
|
blind too.
|
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They all have three-pronged plugs, and it's a two-pronged world.
|
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There are too many kinds to choose from.
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All of them are lousy anyway.
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Our grandparents never had them, and they got along just fine.
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They're taking away people's jobs.
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They don't do anything the average person needs.
|
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They're ugly.
|
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Printer ribbons have to be replaced too frequently.
|
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They think the world can be reduced to strings of ones and zeros.
|
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They forget everything they know the instant you turn them off.
|
|
Storing words on disks never made any sense and it never will.
|
|
Five cables sticking out of an appliance is cruel and unusual punishment.
|
|
Computer paper is cheap and flimsy.
|
|
Printers sound like World War III.
|
|
Since diskettes are not female disks, they have no right to their own word.
|
|
Computer furniture is uncomfortable and looks lousy around the house.
|
|
Computer salesmen are sleazeballs.
|
|
Instruction manuals are written by illiterate sadists.
|
|
When they sell you a $500 computer, they forget to mention that you have to
|
|
spend another $1,500 in order to do anything with it.
|
|
Most computers have dumb names.
|
|
How can you respect any machine controlled by a mouse?
|
|
Right now some kid is trying to figure out how he can use one to start a
|
|
nuclear war.
|
|
It hurts your back to sit in front of one for a long time.
|
|
They don't make good conversation at parties.
|
|
They are an escape from the reality of life.
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page
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When you make a mistake using one, you can't blame it on anybody.
|
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Women don't seem to like them.
|
|
They are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
|
|
It's too easy to get a shock by licking the stamps on electronic mail.
|
|
If there weren't any computers, we wouldn't have computer errors, computer
|
|
crime, or computer nerds.
|
|
If computers can tap into information networks thousands of miles away, how
|
|
come they can't load the program I just bought down the street?
|
|
They're no good for balancing a checking account, because after you buy one
|
|
there's nothing left in your checking account anyway.
|
|
Computer games are turning our children into brainless walking zombies.
|
|
And worst of all, the guy down the street has a better one than I do.
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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USComputer Lexicon
|
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|
|
By Cornelius Unicorn
|
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|
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Beginner: A person who believes more than one-sixteenth of a computer
|
|
salesperson's spiel.
|
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|
|
Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
|
|
packing materials.
|
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|
|
Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast
|
|
controls on any computer's monitor.
|
|
|
|
Sales Associate: A former cheese-monger who has recently traded
|
|
mascarpone for MS-DOS
|
|
|
|
Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
|
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|
|
Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least
|
|
one tenth of the D-BASE 3 Plus Manual.
|
|
|
|
Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term
|
|
"AUTOEXEC.BAT".
|
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|
|
Warranty: Disclaimer.
|
|
|
|
Service: Cursory examination, followed by the utterance of the phrase
|
|
"It can't be ours" and either of the words "hardware" or "software."
|
|
|
|
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have
|
|
returned a registration card.
|
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|
|
Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
|
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|
|
Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
|
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|
|
Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "beta test version."
|
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|
|
Enhanced: Less awful in some ways than the previous model, and
|
|
less likely to work as expected.
|
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|
|
Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
|
|
doorstop or paperweight. (Lexicoginal note: replaces the term
|
|
"junior.")
|
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|
|
Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
|
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|
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Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
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Fast (6MHz): Nowhere near fast enough.
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Superfast (8MHz): Not fast enough.
|
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Blindingly Fast (10MHz): Almost fast enough.
|
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Astoundingly Fast (12MHz): Fast enough to work only intermittently.
|
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Memory-Resident: Ready at the press of a key to disable any currently
|
|
running program.
|
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|
|
Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the
|
|
multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
|
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|
|
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the
|
|
creation of computer manuals.
|
|
|
|
Desktop Publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users
|
|
to create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and
|
|
the intellectual content of a Formica slab; often used in conjunction
|
|
with encryption.
|
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|
|
High Resolution: Having nothing to do with graphics on an IBM-
|
|
compatible microcomputers.
|
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|
|
FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television
|
|
reception until you add the cable required to make it work.
|
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|
|
American: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and Telegraph."
|
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|
|
American-Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
|
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|
|
Windows: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely seen
|
|
near computers but commonly found in specially marked packages of
|
|
display cards, turbo cards, and Grape-Nuts Cereal.
|
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|
|
TopView: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally slow
|
|
character-based multitasking program is the product of the future.
|
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|
|
Shareware: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user
|
|
interfaces, skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and
|
|
particularly its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk
|
|
copying; e.g., PC-DOS.
|
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|
|
DOS-SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn new
|
|
methods of doing what they already can.
|
|
|
|
UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly arcane,
|
|
and confusing operating systems on rational human beings.
|
|
|
|
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy
|
|
induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded or enhanced
|
|
memory specifications.
|
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|
|
Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privilege
|
|
of paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of having
|
|
Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth.
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Artificial Intelligence: The amazing, human-like ability of a computer
|
|
program to understand that the letter y means "yes" and the letter n
|
|
means "no."
|
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|
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Electronic Mail: A communications system with built-in delays and
|
|
errors designed to emulate those of the United States Postal Service.
|
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|
|
C-py Pr-t-ct--n: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing
|
|
from common parlance.
|
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|
|
Turbo Card: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed
|
|
almost enough to compensate for the time wasted in getting it to work.
|
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|
|
Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional
|
|
malfunctioning parts.
|
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|
|
Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe
|
|
that does not offer game programs.
|
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|
|
RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else
|
|
on the planet may actually have decent software written for it
|
|
someday.
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|
|
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT
|
|
hard disks into performing properly.
|
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|
|
Plotter: A terroristic hypodermic device used to inject graphic
|
|
representations of boring data into boring meetings.
|
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|
|
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning
|
|
to wish it had built.
|
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|
|
CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficient to hold billions of
|
|
predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information industry.
|
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|
|
IBM Product Centers: Historical landmarks forever memorializing the
|
|
concept of "list price only."
|
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|
|
IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably
|
|
followed by the word "compatible."
|
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|
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IBM Compatible: Not IBM compatible.
|
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|
|
Fully IBM Compatible: Somewhat IBM compatible, but won't run IBM
|
|
BASIC programs.
|
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|
|
100% IBM Compatible: Compatible with most available hardware and
|
|
software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day
|
|
after tomorrow.
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Lap-Top: Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
|
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|
|
Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
|
|
|
|
Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
|
|
system.
|
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|
|
Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities
|
|
of data with simple mnemonic commands.
|
|
|
|
Mouse: A peripheral originally christened "vermiform appendix" because
|
|
of its functional resemblance, renamed for its appropriateness as a
|
|
cat toy.
|
|
|
|
Printer: An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
|
|
|
|
Modem: A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two
|
|
computers to communicate with each other.
|
|
|
|
Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a
|
|
time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
|
|
information.
|
|
|
|
Documentation: A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in
|
|
situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable,
|
|
usually employed solely as a decorative bookend.
|
|
|
|
User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual.
|
|
|
|
Very User-Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user
|
|
needn't bother with the full-color manual.
|
|
|
|
Extremely User-Friendly: Supplied with a mouse so that the user
|
|
needn't bother with the disk and audiotape, the full color manual, or
|
|
the program itself.
|
|
|
|
Easy to Learn: Hard to use.
|
|
|
|
Easy to Use: Hard to learn.
|
|
|
|
Easy to Learn and Use: Won't do what you want it to.
|
|
|
|
Powerful: Hard to learn and use.
|
|
|
|
Menu-Driven: Easy to learn.
|
|
|
|
Copy Protection: (1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates
|
|
from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it; (2) a
|
|
means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing
|
|
larceny by the former but not by the latter.
|
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|
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|
|
Warranty: An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased
|
|
is actually included on the disk in the box.
|
|
|
|
Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
|
|
|
|
Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally, upgrade free to avoid
|
|
litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0.
|
|
|
|
Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release
|
|
(except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go
|
|
away), no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
|
|
|
|
Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
|
|
|
|
Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a
|
|
wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
|
|
assumptions.
|
|
|
|
Word Processor: Software that magically transforms its user into
|
|
a professional author.
|
|
|
|
Thought Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline
|
|
procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from
|
|
high school.
|
|
|
|
Business Graphics: Popular with managers who understand neither
|
|
decimals, fractions, percentages, Roman numerals, but have more than a
|
|
passing acquaintance with pies and bars.
|
|
|
|
Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data in
|
|
every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she
|
|
conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw information.
|
|
|
|
Project Manager: Software for generating fantasy scenarios of amazing
|
|
optimism; proven in computer firms, where it is extremely successful
|
|
at scheduling advertising campaigns for unavailable products.
|
|
|
|
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
|
|
functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen
|
|
he uses constantly.
|
|
|
|
Windows: A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
|
|
unusably tiny portions.
|
|
|
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|
|
DL-232 -- A New Standard
|
|
|
|
by Dave Lyons
|
|
(CompuCenter Iowa: JoeApple; CompuServe 72177,3233)
|
|
|
|
I may never understand how the designers of the RS-232 "standard"
|
|
for serial communication managed to use 25 wires where only 3 are
|
|
really necessary. Maybe they made a deal with the companies that
|
|
make cables, connectors, and switch boxes...I just don't know.
|
|
|
|
Well, I thought of a few things that the RS-232 standard lacks,
|
|
and since there are already so many extra signals, a few more can't
|
|
hurt anybody, right? Heck, let's go for 50-pin connectors and cables
|
|
and add the following new signals. (Just to make sure this isn't
|
|
compatible with any old equipment, all OLD signals are moved up one
|
|
pin number (Carrier Detect becomes 9 instead of 8, etc., and pin 25
|
|
goes to pin 1).
|
|
|
|
|
|
Pin Name Description
|
|
--- ---- -----------
|
|
26 XCAT Should be connected to chassis of devices. Used with
|
|
the next two signals, this provides protection
|
|
against cats who haven't learned not to walk on
|
|
floppy disks or serial equipment. This signal should
|
|
supply about 2000 volts (at a VERY low current level;
|
|
wouldn't want to HURT the cute little thing, just
|
|
teach it not to walk on anything in the computer
|
|
room).
|
|
27 CATGND Cat ground. Used with pin 26. This signal should be
|
|
connected to another part of the chassis or the
|
|
tabletop.
|
|
28 CTD Cat detect.
|
|
29 SD Self-destruct. This signals causes the device to
|
|
destroy itself.
|
|
30 SDACK Self-destruct acknowledge. Acknowledges that the
|
|
device has destroyed itself.
|
|
31 VADIC This signal indicates to a computer that the device
|
|
on the other end is a modem that uses VADIC protocol.
|
|
(Note: CompuCenter Iowa users should jumper this
|
|
signal to SD and then buy a decent modem.)
|
|
32 STBIT1 Stutter bits. With pin 33, sets the number of
|
|
"stutter bits" (0 to 3 of them) to be included before
|
|
each byte transmitted. This may reduce the number of
|
|
people who feel inferior to computer equipment by
|
|
showing them that computers have problems
|
|
communicating with each other.
|
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|
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|
|
33 STBIT2
|
|
34 CABR Cable ready. It's not enough to know that the Data
|
|
Set is ready (DSR) and the Data Terminal is read
|
|
(DTR). We also need to know that the CABLE
|
|
connecting them is ready.
|
|
35 GRR Gremlins ready. Not everybody knows it, but there are
|
|
little green guys inside most modern computer
|
|
equipment. Most of the time they sleep, but other
|
|
times they cause trouble. The next 6 signals are for
|
|
dealing with gremlins.
|
|
36 220A Used with pin 37, supplies 220 volt power for the
|
|
gremlins' air conditioning. On hot days when
|
|
gremlins can't sleep, applying power to these pins
|
|
may solve your problems.
|
|
37 220B
|
|
38 110H 110 volts, hot side. When the 220 volt power doesn't
|
|
help and gremlin problems persist, use this with pin
|
|
39 to supply 110 volts for the gremlins' TV and video
|
|
game center.
|
|
39 110N 110 volts, neutral side.
|
|
40 MOON Indicates the phase of the moon. Sometimes solves mysterious
|
|
problems.
|
|
|
|
41 LHI Pins 41 through 45 can be used to implement the
|
|
"like" protocol when the normal RTS/CTS protocol
|
|
isn't enough. This one means "Like HI" and is used
|
|
to establish a connection.
|
|
42 LHTY2 Like HI to You Too. Acknowledges pin 41.
|
|
43 LLTT Like Listen To This. Requests permission to send
|
|
data.
|
|
44 LOK Like OK. Grants permission to transmit data.
|
|
45 LWOW Like WOW. Acknowledges receipt of data.
|
|
|
|
46 HEY Pins 46 to 50 may be used to implement the "Eighties"
|
|
protocol when RTS/CTS and "Like" protocols won't do
|
|
the job. This signal is similar to RTS (Request to
|
|
Send).
|
|
47 NP No Problem. Acknowledges HEY.
|
|
48 HUH? Signals that data was not received correctly
|
|
(possibly wrong number of stutter bits).
|
|
49 YEAH Acknowledges data received.
|
|
50 KMG365 Like YEAH, but for avid Emergency One fans.
|
|
|
|
|
|
That makes 50! Let's hear your suggestions for MORE serial signals.
|
|
Maybe we can get 100 and REALLY make the cable manufacturers happy.
|
|
|
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COMPUTER FACES
|
|
|
|
|
|
:-) Smiling, happy face; don't take me too seriously
|
|
B-) Above, but poster wears glasses or sunglasses
|
|
8-) Same as previous; also used to denote wide-eyed look
|
|
#:-) :-) done by someone with sort of matted hair
|
|
:-( Sad or angry face
|
|
@= Flame about nuclear war, power or weapons follows (mushroom cloud)
|
|
;-) Winking happy face (something said tongue-in-cheek)
|
|
:-P Tongue stuck out
|
|
:-b Same as previous
|
|
:-D Wider happy face (or mouth open too much)
|
|
:-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill)
|
|
#:-o Same as previous
|
|
(:-) Messages dealing with bicycle helmets
|
|
<:-) Dumb questions
|
|
oo "Somebody's head-lights are on" messages
|
|
O>-<|= Messages of interest to women
|
|
;-) Wink ( take this message with a grain of salt)
|
|
|-( Late night messages
|
|
:^) Messages teasing people about their noses
|
|
:-{#} Messages teasing people about their braces
|
|
(:-# Message concerning something that shouldn't have been said...
|
|
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill...
|
|
(:-& Message indicating person is angry...
|
|
(:-* Kiss...
|
|
(:-( Message indicating person is VERY sad...
|
|
(:^( Message concerning people with broken noses
|
|
(:<) Message concerning blabber mouths
|
|
:-(=) Message about people with big teeth.
|
|
&:-) Message from a person with curly hair
|
|
@:-) Message from a person with wavy hair
|
|
?-( Message about people with a black eye.
|
|
*:* Message about fuzzy things
|
|
*:** Message about fuzzy people with a fuzzy mustache
|
|
%-) Message about people with broken glasses
|
|
+<:-| Message from a monk/nun...
|
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{0-) Message from cyclops...
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(:-D Message concerning another blabber mouth...
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(:-|K- Formal message.
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B-) Message from Batman !!!
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...---... S.O.S.
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@%&$%& You know what that means...
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||*( Handshake offered
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||*) Handshake accepted
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<&&> Message concerning rubber chickens
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>< >< Message about/to someone wearing argyle socks
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2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare
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(-_-) Secret smile
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page
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VARIETY1 Humorous Txt Files
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VARIETY2 Humorous Txt Files (continued)
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VARIETY3 Computer Oriented Humorous Txt Files
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Please! If you can to this list of flies,
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your upload would be appreciated.
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STONEHENGE BBS
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San Rafael, Calif.
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415 479-8328
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2400 BAUD 8-N-1
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24 HOURS
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