716 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
716 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
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³ ³
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³ STONEHENGE BBS ³
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³ SAN RAFAEL, CA. ³
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ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
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³ Your Sysop is John Chipps ³
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ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
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(415) 479-8328
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24 HOURS
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300-1200-2400 BAUD
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8-N-1
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The following are a collection of humorous
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text files that I have gathered from bulletin
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boards from across the country as well as from
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other sources. They have appeared weekly in the
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VARIETY section on STONEHENGE BBS. I would like
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to share this collection. If you have anything
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to add, your upload would be appreciated.
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PART II
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page
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YOUR ASTROLOGY CHART
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AQUARIUS: Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
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You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
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progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand,
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you are inclined to be careless and impractable,
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causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
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Everyone thinks you are stupid.
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PISCES: Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
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You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
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being followed by the CIA & FBI. You have minor
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influence over your associates and people resent you
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for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
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generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
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ARIES: Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
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You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
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contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and
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scornful of advice. You are a real prick.
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TAURUS: Apr. 21 - May 21
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You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged
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determination and work like hell. Most people think
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you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but
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a goddamned communist.
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GEMINI: May 22 - June 21
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You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like
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you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined
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to expect too much for too little. This means you are
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cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
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CANCER: June 22 - July 23
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You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples
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problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
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putting things off and that's why you will always be
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on welfare and never worth a shit.
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LEO: July 24 - Aug. 23
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You consider yourself a born leader while others think
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you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and
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cannot tolerate honest criticism. This arrogence is
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disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
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VIRGO: Aug. 24 - Sept. 23
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You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking
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is sickening to your few friends. You are cold and un-
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emotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos
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make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
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LIBRA: Sept. 24 - Oct.23
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You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
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reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely to be
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queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are
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excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All
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Libras are carriers of venerial disease.
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SCORPIO: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22
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You are shrewed in business and cannot be trusted. You
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achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
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lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most
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Scorpios are murdered.
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SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 23 - Dec. 21
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You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
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tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The
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majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends.
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People laugh at you a great deal because you are always
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getting fucked.
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CAPRICORN: Dec. 22 - Jan. 20
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You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
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don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never
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been an individual Capricorn of any particular importance.
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Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods
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of time as they tend to attract pidgeons.
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...the end
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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OUR LITTLE FRIEND "ROBBIE RUBBER" REMINDS US TO:
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1. Cover your stump before you hump.
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2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
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3. Before you blaster, guard your bushmaster.
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4. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
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5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
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6. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
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7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
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8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
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9. If you ain't going to sack it, go home and whack it.
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10. Before you bag her, cover your dagger.
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11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
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12. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
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13. Save embarrassment later - cover your gater.
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14. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
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15. If you go into heat, package your meat.
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16. If you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis.
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17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up your trouser mouse.
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18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
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19. In December, gift wrap your member.
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20. She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus.
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21. A Trojaned hoss gathers no moss.
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22. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
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23. The right selection? Sack that erection.
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24. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
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25. Befo' the van start rockin' cover it with a stockin'.
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26. A crank with armor will never harm her.
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27. Before you disrobe, cover your probe.
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MEMORANDUM
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TO: All Employees
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From: Communications Services
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SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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In order that we continue to produce the highest quality work
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possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
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through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)
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We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than most employers.
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If you feel you have not received your share of S.H.I.T., please
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see your supervisor. You will be placed on the S.H.I.T. list for
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special attention. All of our supervisors are particularily qualified
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to give you all of the S.H.I.T you need.
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If you consider yourself to be trained already, you may be
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interested in helping us train others. We can add you, as a trainer
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to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY
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page
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TRAINING program. B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.
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If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD
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OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program. (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)
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Thank You.
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Boss in General
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SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
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(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
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Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating
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Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division.
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(CROCK-OF-SHIT)
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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**DO-IT**
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CAMPERS do it in a tent.
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CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
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CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
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CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
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CHEMISTS like to experiment.
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CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
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CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
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CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
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CLOWNS do it for laughs.
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COACHES whistle while they work.
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COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
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COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
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COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
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COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
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CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
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CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
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COPS have bigger guns
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COWBOYS handle anything horny.
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COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
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CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
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CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
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DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
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DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
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DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
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DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts.
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DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
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DETECTIVES do it under cover.
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DIETICIANS eat better.
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DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
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DIVERS do it deeper.
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DOCTORS do it with patience.
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DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
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DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
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DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
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ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
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ELECTRICIANS do it in their shorts.
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ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
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EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
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FARMERS spread it around.
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FIREMEN are always in heat.
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FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
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FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
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FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
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FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
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GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
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GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
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GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
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GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
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GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
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GYMNISTS mount and dismount well.
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MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
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--------------------
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1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
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to leave her with no hard feelings.
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2. Nothing improves with age.
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3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
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because it'll never be quite the same again.
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4. Sex has no calories.
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5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
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of trouble.
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6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
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7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
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you've got.
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8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
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9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
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get or how long it is going to last.
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10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
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11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
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12. Virginity can be cured.
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13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
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listening to him.
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14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
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15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
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same ones she can't stand years later.
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16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
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17. It is always the wrong time of month.
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18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
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19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
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20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
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won't either.
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21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
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crop failure.
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22. The younger the better.
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23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
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24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
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caused the trouble in the garden.
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25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
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27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
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of frogs.
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28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
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than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
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29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
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30. Love is a hole in the heart.
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31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
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into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
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the moon.
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32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
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33. Do it only with the best.
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34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
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four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
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35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
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36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
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women.
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37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
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all.
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39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
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40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
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41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
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42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
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43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
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women he couldn't.
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44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
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stick.
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45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
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46. Never say no.
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47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
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48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
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49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
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50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
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51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
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52. Love comes in spurts.
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53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
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54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
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eight are unimportant.
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55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
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56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
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57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
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fall in love.
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58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
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59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
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60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
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Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328
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COMPARE WITH TACOS
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__________________
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Tacos:
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don't compare you with friends.
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don't tell their mother that you are an asshole.
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don't tell your mother that you are an asshole.
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won't mind if you share them with friends.
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don't fall in love with you.
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don't gag.
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don't care how much meat you put in them.
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don't give you herpes.
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NEVER call you back in a month with bad news.
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don't care if you respect them in the morning.
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won't throw up in your front seat.
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won't scream so loud that it wakes up the neighbors.
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won't leave scratches on your back.
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don't tell you that size doesn't count.
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can get away on weekends.
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don't care if you come home smelling like strange tacos.
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don't fog up your car windows.
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don't call you at home.
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won't mind if you talk about other tacos in your sleep.
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won't leave panties in your car.
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won't spit it out in the toilet.
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can handle rejection.
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won't ask you about former tacos.
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don't demand alimony when you stop eating them.
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are immune to yeast infections.
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don't yell "beat me, hurt me, bite me!!".
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never eat other tacos.
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won't make you keep eating until you get it right.
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don't get headaches.
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don't make you tell them it was great.
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You can get tacos for 55 cents a piece.
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You don't have to be a postman to eat tacos any day of the week.
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You can eat a taco in a two seat roadster or even while driving.
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You can eat a taco and know that you're the first.
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If you don't finish a taco, it doesn't go away mad.
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You can eat a taco with your glasses on.
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You can always make a taco hot.
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A taco never tells you how to eat it.
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You can still eat a taco after you forget its birthday.
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You can breathe when you eat a taco.
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It's easy to get rid of a taco.
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The above files have been selected
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so they can be separated. You might
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want to pick the best for your office
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bulletin board
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VARIETY3 will soon be forthcoming
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consisting of computer humor.
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Please! If you can add to these files
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your uploads would be appreciated.
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STONEHENGE BBS
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San Rafael, Calif.
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[415] 479-8328
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2400 BAUD 8-N-1
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24 HOURS
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*
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