139 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
139 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
From @MCC.COM:werner%sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM Fri Aug 4 08:58:36 1989
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Flags: 000000000201
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From: jailbird@ihlpm.UUCP
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: _Vague_, the Magazine that Defines the 90's
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Keywords: original, smirk
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Date: 30 Jul 89 23:30:05 GMT
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Dear Almost-the-90's-type Person:
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Do magazines like _Cosmopolitan_ and _GQ_ make you nauseous? They
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should, because they print the same worthless rubbish month after
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month, year after year, all designed to make you feel worthless by
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preying on your (probably well-founded) fears of inadequacy.
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They make me nauseous, too. So, I've decided to publish my own
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all-new, superexclusive omni-sex magazine. It's called _Vague_, and
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our demographics indicates that you're the type of person that
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leads the _Vague_ lifestyle. Let me tell you how _Vague_, the
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Magazine that Defines the 90's, can enrich *your* life.
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_Vague_'s writers and trend researchers explore the cutting edge of
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those Almost-the-90's issues: health, love, relationships, cooking,
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fashion, sexually transmitted disease, music, technology, and
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whether or not you're eating enough fiber, which you're probably
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not. Oh, and calcium, too. Things that touch *your* life
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everyday, all day, even on weekends. Things you didn't think you
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had to think about before, but do now- because it's Almost-the-90's.
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Let's face it. For all practical and financial purposes, the 80's
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are pretty much over. You have no choice; it's time to live the
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Almost-the-90's lifestyle. The _Vague_ lifestyle. *Your*
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lifestyle. And whether you like it or not, you need my magazine.
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Because you'll find more valuable information in _Vague_ than in
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other swanky, upscale picture books. Why, just look at some of the
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exclusive features packed in every issue:
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- "The Desperate Look is In, In, IN!" Waxton Hughes explores
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the newest trend in this All-New, Almost-the-90's Look and
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how fashion photographers in the Bay area are desperately
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looking for models with furrowed brows, worried mouths, and
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wringing hands. Take a first glimpse at a tension-filled test
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photo session where deservingly-high-paid models, mostly men,
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exercise wanton expressions!
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And where will you see these exclusive, provocative photos of
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semi-nude deservingly-high-paid models first? Why, _Vague_,
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of course!
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- "How Fiber Helps You and How To Avoid Killing Yourself With
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It" Dr. Neumann Grottmeier, now cleared of all charges, writes
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for our "What's Up At Your End, Doc?," a regular monthly
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feature. In this piece, Dr. Grottmeier, an expert in Health
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and Nutritional Stuff, describes how to get more fiber in your
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diet and to avoid Post-fiber Explosion Syndrome, a condition
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that will surely kill tens of ordinary middle-class citizens
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such as yourself in the next decade despite the futile efforts
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of our inept government to control this harrowing epidemic.
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And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
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nude P-fES victims? Why, _Vague_, of course!
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- "Move Over BMW; Here's Real High Performance!" Martha
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Syskiss, noted minivan owner-turned automotive writer, reviews
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Ford's entry into superhigh performance: the Escort XJ994Zi
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Incredible Performing Bi-turbo Four-wheel-drive 4-Wheel-
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Steering ABS Plastic Add-on Coupe. Most people can't afford
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the insurance for the model nameplate alone, but you'll *feel*
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like *you* own the whole thing when you take if for a spin
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with Martha! (Photojournalistically, that is.)
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And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
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nude models stroking a car with more apparent outward affection
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than the average couple? Why, _Vague_, of course!
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- Our regular feature, "Incredibly Smug, Unbearably Pretentious
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Pillow Talk," explores the dog-eat-dog world of the singles
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scene. Jake "I'm acting as arrogant as I can" Smooth (that
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really is his real, God-given name, folks) shares his secrets
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and bares his soul as he leads and writes about the lifestyle
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of a not-quite-over-the-hill single person. Re-live
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(photojournalistically, that is) his successes ("I'm good-
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looking") and his failures ("bitch!") and safety tips ("don't
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date anyone who weighs more than you do") to clarify the
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ritualistic world of dating and the soon-to-be complex choice
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of ordering beer in the Next Decade.
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And where will you see exclusive, provocative, photos of beer-
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drinking, apparently sexually aroused semi-nude single people?
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Why, _Vague_, of course!
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- Another regular feature, "No Vain, No Gain," is a virtual
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cornucopia (that means "a lot") of makeup, health, beauty, and
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just all-around feel-good advice. Articles like "Morning
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Pillow Wrinkle Trauma Got You Down?" and "PMS Is Like A
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Loaded Gun Pointed At Your Head" help *you* be at your best!
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Noted anonymous-for-career-reasons beauty writers take on
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faces, lips, hair, eyebrows, thighs, buttocks, stomachs,
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cellulite, male pattern baldness, and yes, even little, tiny,
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hardly significant breasts and penises (which we here in PR
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like to call "hooters" and "love wicks," respectively). Learn
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to overcompensate those inadequacies simply by buying piles
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and piles of our advertizer's products!
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And where will you see exclusive, provocative photos of semi-
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nude models with virtually perfectly formed body parts that
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you'll never have in a zillion years? Why, _Vague_, of course!
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Yes, all this and much, much more awaits *you* in _Vague_, the
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Magazine that Defines the 90's. So what are you waiting for? A
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whole year of _Vague_ is only $24.95. Why, that's a full <ink
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smear>% off the cover price! For <ink smear> big issues! Use the
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postage-not-paid-for envelope and send your checks today! You'll
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be glad you did!
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Sincerely,
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Ron D. Harvey, Editor, Publisher, Condominium owner behind on his
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payments
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(P.S. _Vague_ is not available in most 7-11 stores due to nutty,
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right-wing protests about our exclusive, provocative photos of
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semi-nude models just because most of them are under 18. Prudes.)
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---
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Ron D. Harvey jailbird@ihlpm.ATT.COM
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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