71 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
71 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
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NEW - TREKFUME
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In their continuing effort to milk it for all it's worth, Paramount, in
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cooperation with Calvin Klein, will be unveiling the new "Next
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Generation" colognes and perfumes for the fall season. Most will be
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available in the bargain bins at K-Mart, Ames, and other fine cosmetic
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outlets. I felt it necessary to acquaint you with some of with some of
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ad campaigns... and a few that didn't make the production line:
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"ENGAGE" (based on Jean-Luc Picard, magazine ad to appear in
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Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, and Billiard Balls
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Anonymous)
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The ad is in black and white, complexion-verite style and features
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the good Captain (Patrick Stewart) in chains, representing the "Chain
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of Command." His uniform pants are pulled down just enough to reveal
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his 24th century Calvin Klein underwear. He is topless (in more ways
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than one) and wearing a goofy grin, similar to that of Marky Mark.
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The printed text reads:
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"Steadfast. Strong. French. All that is Jean-Luc. All that
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can be you. Make it so."
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"NUMBER ONE" (based on Commander Riker, television ad to run
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on TNT, and local public-access channels)
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The spot features Jonathan Frakes in flannel shirt and seated on a
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stool, though visible only from the waist up. Frakes, of course, is
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smirking.
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The printed text reads:
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"Hello. I'm Jonathan Frakes. You may wonder why Commander Riker
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scores with all the hot alien babes every week on Star Trek: The Next
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Generation. Well, a lot of it has to do with my charm and charisma,
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but mostly it's this stuff here. (Frakes reaches down to hoist up the
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two-gallon jug version of the product upon his lap.) "NUMBER ONE"
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by Calvin Klein. Yeah, I splash on this stuff everyday. One whiff of
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this is enough to blow her pantyhose off! So if you want to be a big
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studly guy like me, pick up this. It's better than 'Hi-Karate'."
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Scene cuts to black and white cloud-flecked sky shown in sped-up
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form. Two-Gallon jug of "NUMBER ONE" fades in. Breathy female
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voice intones: "NUMBER ONE by Calvin Klein. Don't use it sparingly."
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"SLUT" (based on Counselor Deanna Troi, magazine ad slated to
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appear in Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and other revealing
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publications)
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The color ad, displays the confident Counselor (Marine Sirtis) on
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her bed, in very revealing, new Calvin Klein designer lingerie, wearing
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a cocky grin. Sirtis holds a small, mind-shaped bottle posed
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provocatively between her breasts for the tight, insert shot. (So to
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speak.)
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The printed text reads:
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"Hellooooo. I'm Marine Sirtis, but you probably know me better as the
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token space bimbo. Who cares? I get paid a fortune to drag guys into
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bed. You don't think I could do it with just my looks, do you? When
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I'm wearing "SLUT" men just don't care. You too can be a "SLUT."
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Other products/campaigns have been abandoned:
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"NUMBER TWO" (based on...who the hell is #2??) wound up in the
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toilet. Besides, it smelled REALLY BAD!
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"BLIND FAITH" (based on Geordi, LaVar Burton) offered limited
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appeal with the slogan: "So blind people can smell you coming."
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"Q" (based on Q, John de Lancie) fizzled when the name
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conflicted with another fragrance for gay men.
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"WARRIOR" (based on Worf, Michael Dorn) tended to make people
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too aggressive. Several testers ended up in the hospital with
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unusual injuries.
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"BLACK HOLE" (based on Gynan, Whoopie Goldberg) raised objections
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from various groups and organizations.
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"MOTHER" (based on Lwaxana Troi) seemed to offend most everyone.
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"ALLORE" (based on Lore) tended to bring out the evil in people.
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"ANDROID" (based on Data) invoked little emotion.
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