764 lines
29 KiB
Plaintext
764 lines
29 KiB
Plaintext
Welcome to Late NIght with David Letterman, and donÕt forget that little bastard Paul and the worlds most dangerous band!
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DAVE LETTERMANS BEST TOP 10 FROM 1989 - (incomplete)
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Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989
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10.See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
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9.What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
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8.Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake.
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7.Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
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6.I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling
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nachos?
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5.Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
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4.Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please
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welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
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3.Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
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2.More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
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1.Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest,
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sucks.
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Top 10 Safety Tips for Flag Burners - July 12, 1989
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Don't even think about burning one in the presence of a certain proud
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American: Namely me, Dave Letterman.
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Top 10 New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989
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10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants.
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9. Blind Date.
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8. Bozo's Mistress.
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7. Dressed to Grill.
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6. America's Most Wanted.
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5. Your Ad Here.
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4. Ghostbusters III.
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3. Mork from New York.
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2. Hey Look -- Hookers!
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1. To the Opera, James.
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President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
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10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
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9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
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8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry
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butts."
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7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
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6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
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5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good
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carnival acts."
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4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
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3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
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2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
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1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
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Top 10 Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989
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10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer.
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9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes.
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8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo.
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7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage.
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6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down.
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5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone.
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4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove.
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3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a
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continent.
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2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's
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shorts.
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1. Kids fly free.
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Batman's Top 10 Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989
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10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody
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he's not a professional wrestler.
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9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
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8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the
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Batmobile.
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7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
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6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
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5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken
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costume.
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4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
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3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
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2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can
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summon him at night.
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1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
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Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon
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- July 20, 1989
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10. Any music for this, Paul?
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9. Reminds me of Muncie.
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8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
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7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
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6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
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5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
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4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
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3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
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2. Hey! It's Elvis!
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1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt
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sales.
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Top 10 Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989
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10. Camp David
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9. Graceland North
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8. Drifter's Haven
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7. The Old Helmsley Place
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6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker
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5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch
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4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee
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3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built
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2. The Swankienda
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1. Shangri-Dave
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Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
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10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden
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hose.
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9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed
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together.
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8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
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7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
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6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
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5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
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4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
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3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
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2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
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1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
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Top 10 Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989
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10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise.
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9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings.
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8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me.
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7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest.
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6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the
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numbers and give me a low count.
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5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands,
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I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them.
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4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs.
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3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of
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butter.
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2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried clam
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bars.
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1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their
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standards.
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Adnan Khashoggi's Top 10 Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989
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10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
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9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
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8. Caviar Helper.
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7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
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6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
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5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
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4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
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3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
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2. Two words: token sucking.
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1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
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Top 10 New York City Hats - August 1, 1989 [another visual one]
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10. The psychedelic juicer
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9. F.T.D.-lightful
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8. They were all out of Batman hats
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7. Probably Steve Garvey's
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6. Buy one get one free
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5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance
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4. Looking for Dave's house
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3. Honey, I shrunk the hat
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2. We hope it's a hat
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1. The guy from Ipanema
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Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2,
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1989
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10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
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9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
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8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
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7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
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6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
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5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
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4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
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3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
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2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political
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conventions.
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1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
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Top 10 Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989
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10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy.
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9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang.
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8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about how
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good they were.
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7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-rate
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education.
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6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together.
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5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2.
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4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together.
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3. I'm loaded.
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2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert.
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1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I.
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August 4, 1989 -- Missed it. Sorry!
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Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989
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10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
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9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!"
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8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean
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mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
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7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
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6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
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5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
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4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny
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answering machine messages.
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3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud."
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2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T,
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Larry."
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1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
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Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989
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10. Ayatollah Turtle
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9. Scooby Abu Nidal
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8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
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7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
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6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
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5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
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4. Carlos the Jackal
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3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
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2. The Moose in the Burnoose
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1. Really Looney Tunes
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Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989
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10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
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9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
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8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
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7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
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6. Marry Robin Givens.
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5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
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4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for a
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year.
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3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience
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in the world.
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2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
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1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody! The
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dogs are on me!"
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Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was
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another visual one]
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10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
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9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
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8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
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7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
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6. Sidewalk Siskel
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5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
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4. The King
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3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
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2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
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1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
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Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
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10. Not everyone looks good naked.
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9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
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8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
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7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
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6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
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5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
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4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
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3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
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2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
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1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
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future generations.
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Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
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10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
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9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I gave
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him.
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8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
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7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
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6. That pansy Casper.
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5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
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4. All those strangers walking through my house.
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3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a
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"ghostbuster."
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2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
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1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
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Top 10 Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989
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10. One of her tattoos is infected.
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9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile.
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8. Double date with Luis Polonia.
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7. Today is her baking day.
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6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same
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place at the same time.
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5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel.
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4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off
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cars.
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3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit.
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2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage.
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1. She's very, very shy.
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Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
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10. You can't put a street value on fun.
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9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
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8. Bored with Beirut?
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7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
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6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
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5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
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4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
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3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
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2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
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1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
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Top 10 Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989 [another visual one]
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10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks.
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9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner.
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8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro!
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7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on.
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6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
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5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs. T.
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Lasorda... Tommy and me....
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4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany.
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3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
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2. Another hour and I break for lunch.
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1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.
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Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989
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10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser.
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9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup.
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8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports.
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7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form.
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6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler.
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5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs.
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4. He's an excellent driver.
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3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he is
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of them.
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2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again.
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1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.
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Top 10 Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge
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- September 8, 1989
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10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America."
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9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig.
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8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks.
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7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body.
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6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy.
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5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges.
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4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking.
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3. Groin pull.
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2. Got better offer to judge Star Search.
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1. He's 'whipped.
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Top 10 Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989
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10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub.
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9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older than
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his mother.
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8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a
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bathrobe.
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7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit.
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6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten"
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pictorial.
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5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand.
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4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket."
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3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom.
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2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever.
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1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.
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Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989
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10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
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9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole
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wide world."
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8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
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7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture the
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big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast."
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6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying "You
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suck."
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5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides."
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4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
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3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
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2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
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1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
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Top 10 Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989
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10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
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9. Planning big oil spill off California.
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8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms.
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7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot.
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6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker.
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5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind of
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cool.
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4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's.
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3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs.
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2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal.
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1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.
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Top 10 Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989
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10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition.
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9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m.
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8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.
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7. The balk rule will be enforced.
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6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
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5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy.
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4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.
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3. No Gabors.
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2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must
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be from their home state.
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1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.
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Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989
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10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device.
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9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne.
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8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens.
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7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs."
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6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the boy back
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in Boyardee!"
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5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben.
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4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top of
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|
his lungs.
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|
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman.
|
|
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger.
|
|
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering around bus
|
|
station chanting, "Lick me."
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|
Top 10 Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989
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10. He starting to forget things again.
|
|
9. Just signed to fight George Forman.
|
|
8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the
|
|
"Three's Company" theme.
|
|
7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes.
|
|
6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no.
|
|
5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons.
|
|
4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened in
|
|
Broadway musical.
|
|
3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow
|
|
home.
|
|
2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president? We're doomed!"
|
|
1. Because Nancy says so.
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|
|
Top 10 Complaints of Jane Pauley - September 21, 1989
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|
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|
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks "Will that come off
|
|
easily?"
|
|
9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes.
|
|
8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose.
|
|
7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule.
|
|
6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks.
|
|
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxell
|
|
House coffee.
|
|
4. Barroom bouncers who say "I'll call you" -- but never do.
|
|
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work.
|
|
2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will kiss your butt.
|
|
1. Them screamin' brats of hers.
|
|
|
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|
|
Top 10 Numbers Between One and Ten - September 22, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Seven
|
|
9. Four
|
|
8. Ten
|
|
7. Three
|
|
6. Eight and a half
|
|
5. Nine
|
|
4. Two
|
|
3. One
|
|
2. Eight
|
|
1. Five & Six (tie)
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
|
|
9. Will your head fit here?
|
|
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
|
|
7. Getting free HBO.
|
|
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
|
|
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
|
|
4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
|
|
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
|
|
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
|
|
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.
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|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Panamanian Coup Excuses - October 5, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Newspaper printed wrong starting time for coup.
|
|
9. Thought we were just staging another "battle" for CBS news.
|
|
8. All those Spanish street names -- it's easy to get lost!
|
|
7. Missed second part of two-part "Mission Impossible" episode coup was based
|
|
on.
|
|
6. Bernie Goetz never showed.
|
|
5. Right in mid-coup, we got word of the Zsa Zsa verdict.
|
|
4. Saw pineapple in kitchen and thought Noriega had already been decapitated.
|
|
3. Forgot to get express written consent of Major League Baseball.
|
|
2. Batman never answered the signal.
|
|
1. It turns out Noriega is a pretty OK Joe once you get to know him.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Ways the Dalai Lama Will Spend His Nobel Prize Money - October
|
|
6, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Get saxophone out of hock.
|
|
9. No more "budget" English muffins.
|
|
8. Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red.
|
|
7. New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama.
|
|
6. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it.
|
|
5. Bail out Merv Griffin.
|
|
4. Put finishing touches on Lamaland amusement park.
|
|
3. Kegger!
|
|
2. Hush money to former temple secretary.
|
|
1. One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis.
|
|
9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans.
|
|
8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger.
|
|
7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality.
|
|
6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show."
|
|
5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body.
|
|
4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair.
|
|
3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign.
|
|
2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!"
|
|
1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October
|
|
11, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender.
|
|
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat.
|
|
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz.
|
|
7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job.
|
|
6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room.
|
|
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker.
|
|
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse."
|
|
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest.
|
|
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear.
|
|
1. Bringing your own mouse suit.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections -
|
|
October 13, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place.
|
|
9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers.
|
|
8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon.
|
|
7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions.
|
|
6. Wanted to scare the French.
|
|
5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time.
|
|
4. Auditions for open slot on the "Today Show."
|
|
3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place.
|
|
2. They're going to Disney World!
|
|
1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Least Popular Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors - October 18, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Oprah Mocha
|
|
9. Raspberry Rash
|
|
8. Norieggnog
|
|
7. Cholesterol Chip
|
|
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo
|
|
5. Tiny Filaments O'Tungsten
|
|
4. Uninhibited by Cher
|
|
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
|
|
2. Bus Depot Fudge
|
|
1. Hitler Ripple
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Letterman Family Reunion - October 19,
|
|
1989
|
|
|
|
10. "Hey Dave, who drove you here?"
|
|
9. "Is this where the line forms to tell Dave your sob story?"
|
|
8. "OK. Carnival people on the left side of the table. Circus people on the
|
|
right."
|
|
7. "Gee. Paul Shaffer albums for everybody. Thanks a lot."
|
|
6. "What's it like working with Kathie Lee?"
|
|
5. "I heard Donahue gave his whole family Buicks."
|
|
4. "That's the best stripper we ever had!"
|
|
3. "Cher was right."
|
|
2. "Hey! One person in the Port-O-San at a time!"
|
|
1. "Where's Dave?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Questions and Comments of the New York City Health Inspectors -
|
|
October 20, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Does your chef even own a shirt?
|
|
9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent!
|
|
8. How can I be sure these bills are unmarked?
|
|
7. Are you the guys switching Folgers Crystals for regular coffee?
|
|
6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless, Mr. Gotti.
|
|
5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box?
|
|
4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean?
|
|
3. Where was the last place you remember seeing your thumb?
|
|
2. Oh yeah? Why don't you eat it?
|
|
1. Could you put a hairnet on the weasel?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
|
|
9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
|
|
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
|
|
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
|
|
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich
|
|
5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author
|
|
4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
|
|
3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
|
|
2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David
|
|
1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Things Overheard at a Senior League Baseball Game - November 2,
|
|
1989
|
|
|
|
10. "Is that a signal or is he adjusting his truss?"
|
|
9. "A correction for you home viewers -- that was not in slo-mo."
|
|
8. "Are those pinstripes or varicose veins?"
|
|
7. "Wow. The wind really got under that hairpiece!"
|
|
6. "That's not Morgana! That's Bea Arthur!"
|
|
5. "I'll bet he does live through the game, Mr. Rose."
|
|
4. "You wanna wake the guy in the on-deck circle?"
|
|
3. "Hey batter! Hey batter! ... uh, I forgot what I was going to say."
|
|
2. "Oatmeal! Get your nice hot oatmeal!"
|
|
1. "Have you ever smelled so much Ben-Gay?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Rejected NBA Promotional Slogans - November 3, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. It's Dribble-riffic!
|
|
9. A couple of white guys sitting around the bench talking.
|
|
8. At least our commissioner isn't named "Faye".
|
|
7. We hope that squeaking sneaker sound doesn't drive you nuts.
|
|
6. No George Steinbrenner!
|
|
5. Like big sweaty ballerinas!
|
|
4. Sit close and it smells like Cher's perfume!
|
|
3. Unlike bowling -- no fat guys!
|
|
2. Come see our Johnsons!
|
|
1. NBA -- we're easy to spell!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Reasons to Vote - November 7, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Gives you the chance to take a deep breath in a high school gymnasium.
|
|
9. Good practice for voting in TV's "People's Choice" awards.
|
|
8. Exciting to pretend big red lever in voting booth is actually power switch
|
|
to electric chair.
|
|
7. Free pamphlets!
|
|
6. When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious cookies.
|
|
5. To keep resident Canadians under control.
|
|
4. You can shout over closed voting booth curtain, "Hey! Who used all the
|
|
conditioner?"
|
|
3. So we can thumb our noses at the Mexicans and their king.
|
|
2. So you'll feel personally involved when the new mayor gets hauled off to
|
|
jail.
|
|
1. Even though it's never come close to happening in 200 years, your one vote
|
|
could make the difference!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Jim Bakker Prison Nicknames - November 8, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Shake 'n' Bakker
|
|
9. Crybaby
|
|
8. Cringe-Under-the-Couch-Potato
|
|
7. The Collection Plate
|
|
6. Mr. Too-Good-To-Play-Bridge-with-the-Rest-of-Us
|
|
5. Heritage USA's Best Ride
|
|
4. Sermon on the Mount
|
|
3. That-Guy-Who-Hides-When-His-Wife-Comes-To-Visit
|
|
2. P. T. Eligible
|
|
1. The Fabulous Bakker Boy
|
|
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Ways the Iranians Will Spend the $567 Million - November 9, 1989
|
|
|
|
10. Upgrade hijackers to first class.
|
|
9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times.
|
|
8. Set up research lab to develop untippable coffin.
|
|
7. Kegger!
|
|
6. Commission movie biography of Salman Rushdie starring the guy who played
|
|
Horshack.
|
|
5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of like Amish country."
|
|
4. Lure the Cowsills out of retirement.
|
|
3. New York City taxi licenses for everybody!
|
|
2. Next pizza: extra cheese!
|
|
1. Take the Mrs. to Atlantic City.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well there you have it folks! ThatÕs not all of Ôem but thereÕs more to come!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Another file downloaded from:
|
|
|
|
!
|
|
-$- & the Temple of the Screaming Electron
|
|
! * Walnut Creek, CA
|
|
+ /^\ |
|
|
! | |/\/^\ _^_ 2400/1200/300 baud (415) 935-5845
|
|
/^\ / @ | \/_-_\ Jeff Hunter, Sysop
|
|
|@ \_| @ @|- - -| \
|
|
| | | /^\ | _ | - - - - - - - - - *
|
|
|___/_\___|_|_|_(_)_| Aaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! /
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|
Specializing in conversations, E-Mail, obscure information,
|
|
entertainment, the arts, politics, futurism, thoughtful discussion,
|
|
insane speculation, and wild rumours. An ALL-TEXT BBS.
|
|
|
|
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves."
|
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|