126 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
126 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
From: padutton@bigwpi.WPI.EDU (Peter Alan Dutton)
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Subject: Thesis Defense Don'ts
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Date: 20 Aug 1993 17:53:39 GMT
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101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)
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Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
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grad students extrordiannaire.
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1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
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Anthem..."
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2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
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3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
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4) Interpretive dance.
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5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
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6) Stage your own death/suicide.
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7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
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8) Have a sing-a-long.
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9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
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10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
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concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
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11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
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from sitting in.
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12) Puppet show.
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13) Group prayer.
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14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
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15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
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16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
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17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
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18) Mime.
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19) Hold a Tupperware party.
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20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
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21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
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22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
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23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
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24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
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minorities..."
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25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
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26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
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27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
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28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
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29) Door prizes and a raffle.
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30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
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31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
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32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
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33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
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34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
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35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
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36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
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37) Fashion show.
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38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
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39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
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40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
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41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
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42) Pass the collection basket.
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43) Two-drink minimum.
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44) Black tie only.
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45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
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Jew walked into a bar..."
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46) Incite a revolt.
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47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
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48) Release a flock of doves.
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49) Defense by proxy.
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50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
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51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
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52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
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53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
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54) Bring your pet boa.
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55) Tell ghost stories.
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56) Do a "show and tell".
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57) Food fight.
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58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
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59) Halftime show.
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60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
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61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
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62) Rimshot.
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63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
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64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
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65) 3-ring defense.
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66) "Tag - you're it!"
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67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that
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it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
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68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
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original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
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(Made-up non-existent room number)"
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69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
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70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
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71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me
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Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
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72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table.
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73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
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74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the
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spectators.
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75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
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76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
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pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
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77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
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78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
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79) Tap dance.
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80) Vaudeville.
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81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
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You're out."
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82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
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83) Dress in top hat and tails.
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84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and
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a bonfire.
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85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
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86) Shadow puppets.
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87) Show slides of your last vacation.
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88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in
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charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
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89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room
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making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
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90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
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91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
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92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
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93) Instant replay.
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94) Laugh maniacally.
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95) Talk with your mouth full.
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96) Start speaking in tongues.
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97) Explode.
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98) Implode.
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99) Spontaneously combust.
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100) Answer every question with a question.
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101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
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