97 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
97 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
THE MATH PROBLEM FROM HELL
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Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth to sell. Each bolt
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of cloth is worth twenty dollars, and is either red, green, or gold.
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Greedy Merchant B also has some bolts of cloth to sell, which are
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colored either magenta, chartreuse, mauve, or lavender, and worth the
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same amount of money.
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Now, knowing that Greedy Merchant B once worked for greedy
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merchant A as a clerk in his twenty third year, and that greedy
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merchant A never payed Greedy Merchant B all that well, and knowing
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that Greedy Merchant B has six hungry, screaming children, one wife,
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and three mistresses to support, while Greedy Merchant A only has two
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children, one wife, and one mistress, and that Greedy Merchant B
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really doesn't like Greedy Merchant A all that much, even though they
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were once lovers, it is easy to infer how many times a week each of
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them bathes, and whether or not the amount of dirt on their bodies
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increases geometrically or logarithmically as they fail to bathe.
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However, Greedy Merchant A has recently made a pact with the
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Devil so that no one in town (the name of the town being either Grog,
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Meriden, or Sloth) will buy any other cloth but his. Greedy Merchant
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B, sensing this, has clandestinely stolen all of Greedy Merchant A's
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cloth, and replaced it with his own so that when the cloth goes to
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market, everyone will buy from Greedy Merchant B because the cloth
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ACTUALLY belongs to Greedy Merchant A, which stands to reason since
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Greedy Merchant B is just slightly more greedy than Greedy Merchant A.
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While it stands to reason that Greedy Merchant B did very well at
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the market that day (his net profit being either 5! 8! or the square
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root of the sum of his net profit over the past two months), it must
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be taken into account that Greedy Merchant A knows who has betrayed
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him and wishes revenge. It also must be taken into account that
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Greedy Merchant A also knows where Greedy Merchant B lives, and has
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had a crush on Greedy Merchant B's wife since she and Greedy Merchant
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B were married seven years ago (in either a chapel, a barn, or a
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swimming pool). Since these are true, it stands to reason that greedy
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merchant A, seeking both sex AND revenge, would travel to greedy
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merchant B's house, rape his wife, and steal all his money.
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But in order for the latter conclusion to be valid, it must first
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be noted (in order to preserve precision to seventy decimal places)
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that Greedy Merchant B was aware of Greedy Merchant A's adulterous
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schemings and took measures to prevent said schemings from becoming a
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set of unfortunate and illogical (the proof of the illogic being
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beyond the scope of this text) circumstances. Now, knowing that
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Greedy Merchant B has connections with almost every clandestine
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organization in Europe, and knowing that the probability of such
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organizations coming to help lies somewhere between the amount of
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fluid produced by the average garden snail and the amount of methane
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gas (in picoliters) produced by the average nine-year-old cow, it can
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be inferred that Greedy Merchant A will probably trip on a salami on
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the way to Greedy Merchant B's house and be beaten sensless by a group
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of rogue mules (said mules having been spotted looting the countryside
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for either a day, a month, six months, or a year).
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However, what has not yet been taken into account is that greedy
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merchant A despises salami and can smell it from either three, seven,
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or nine and a half yards away. Knowing this, and that Greedy Merchant
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A will purposely avoid ANY salami, no matter how innocent-looking,
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that happens to lying in the middle of the road, it stands to reason
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that Greedy Merchant A will make it to Greedy Merchant B's house
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completely intact and will carry out the aforementioned set of
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adulterous schemings.
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But, for accuracy's sake, it is necessary to understand that
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Greedy Merchant A is quite possible the LEAST liked Greedy Merchant in
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the entire town (which may ALSO be named Milton, if this is happening
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on a Tuesday) and that the probability of a disgruntled customer
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dropping a flower pot on Greedy Merchant A's head is tantamount to the
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probability of rainfall in Florida during the summer months.
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Knowing all of this, it is easy to find that Greedy Merchant A
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sells green cloth, that Greedy Merchant B sells mauve cloth, that
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Greedy Merchant A bathes twice a month while Greedy Merchant B bathes
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only once a month, that the amount of dirt on the bodies of the Greedy
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Merchants increases geometrically as they fail to bathe, that the name
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of the town is Meriden, that Greedy Merchant B's net profit was 8!,
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that greedy merchant B and his wife were married in a barn, that the
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probability of clandestine European organizations coming to help
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Greedy Merchant A is the amount of urine produced by the average
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german shepherd, that the mules have been looting the countryside for
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a month, and that greedy merchant A can smell salami from three yards
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away.
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However, for OUR purposes, all of this information is irrelevant.
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Using all the facts from the above paragraphs, prove, in ten
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steps or less, that Greedy Merchant A was struck by a flying horseshoe
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and that said horseshoe was hurled by a person named Horace. Also
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prove, in that same space, that Greedy Merchant B ate the salami which
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was avoided by Greedy Merchant A.
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For extra credit, prove that Greedy Merchant B got food poisoning
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from the salami and died within a week.
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