380 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
380 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
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From: rigler@dao.nrc.ca (Michael Rigler)
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Subject: T.B Boxed Edition
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Message-ID: <1992Dec11.033233.26164@sol.UVic.CA>
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Reply-To: rigler@dao.nrc.ca
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Organization: DAO/CADC .
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Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 03:32:33 GMT
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Lines: 372
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TALK.BIZARRE, The Board Game !!!
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(copyright 1992 by Rigler-Labs)
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The game is played on a square board, with four corner squares plus 23 squares
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between two corners of each side. In addition, there are places in the middle
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of the board reserved for stacks of cards and counters:
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(start here) ----------->
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+-------------------------------------------------------+
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|lur | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |new | |
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| ker| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | bie| |
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|zone| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |zone| |
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|----+---------------------------------------------+----| |
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|----| |----| V
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|----| / \ / \ |----|
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|----| / \ / \ |----|
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|----| /clue \ /flame\ |----|
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|----| \ \ / / |----|
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|----| \ cards\ / cards/ |----|
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|----| \ / \ / |----|
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|----| \ / \ / |----|
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|----| \ / \ / |----|
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|----| |----|
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|----| |----|
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|----| |----|
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|----| |----|
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|----| __ |----|
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|----| / \ |----|
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|----| /vol \ |----|
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|----| / cano\ |----|
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|----| / \ |----|
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|----| / cards \ |----|
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|----| \__________/ |----|
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|----| |----|
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^ |----| |----|
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| |----+---------------------------------------------+----|
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| |old | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |cave|
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| | bie| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |newt|
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| |zone| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |zone|
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+-------------------------------------------------------+
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<-----
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INTRODUCTION:
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The "T.B, the Board Game" duplicates all the action of a typical month
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of talk.bizarre! From the creative postings of most respected oldbie, to
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the hapless struggling of the most mediocre cavenewt, and yes, even down
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to the pathetic mewlings of the rankest newbie--you will be there! You
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will cringe from the heat of the flamewars and the razor sharp wit of the
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repartee! You will experience the thrill of posting great articles, the
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shame of posting pathetic articles, and the surge of triumph as you show
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no mercy, pushing your fellow players over the brink of the volcano...
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Yes, "T.B, the Board Game" brings all the action straight to you. Now you
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can play in your home, in your car, in the nude, with family and friends...
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anyway you like it! No more need to bother with expensive computer accounts
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and bothersome electronic gear like computers and modems. Each boxed kit
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contains all you need: one (1) t.b. gameboard, two (2) six-sided dice,
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one (1) deck of "flame" cards, one (1) deck of "clue" cards, and one (1)
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deck of "volcano" cards. Open your kit now and examine its contents,
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beginning with the gameboard...
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The corners are four "zones" which represent levels of attainment in t.b:
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Player begin as "lurkers" in the Lurker Zone, and try to progress through
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the Newbie Zone, the CaveNewt Zone and the Oldbie Zone, with the ultimate
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goal of traversing the entire board and becoming a "Respected Oldbie." On
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their journey, the players will encounter many pitfalls, such as flamewars,
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"Carasso traps", and the dreaded "misc.test trick." If players are not care-
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ful, they will lose their accounts or face interrogation by the F.B.I.
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The most fortunate players, however, will "get a clue." Now, shuffle and
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place the cards in their respective positions on the gameboard, and proceed
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to the rules section...
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE RULES (for 3-10 players):
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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1. The players each select a game piece. A game piece is any solid object
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that can be found in the immediate vicinity having dimensions less than
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or equal to 2cm x 2cm x2cm and a density of not more than 400 gm/cm**3.
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Highly reactive substances such as plutonium, antimatter and very small
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robots are permitted. When every player has selected a game piece, all
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of the pieces are simultaneously placed within the Lurker Zone on the
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gameboard and left alone for 60 seconds. After 60 seconds, any pieces
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remaining in the Lurker Zone are still in the game.
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2. The remaining players each throw one dice to see who goes first. Ties
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are re-rolled. The player rolling the highest number goes first, and
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play proceeds counter-clockwise around the table for the rest of the
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game.
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3. A player's "turn" will generally consist of rolling two die and advancing
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his or her playing piece that many squares forward (clockwise around the
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board), and following the instructions on the final square occupied. These
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instructions may require that the playing piece be further moved, either
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forwards or backwards, in which case the playing piece is moved to its
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new position immediately but the instructions on that square are ignored.
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The exceptions to this rule are when a player enters or leaves a Zone
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(see below), or enters the "All Out Flamewar" square (see below).
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4. Entering and leaving a Zone (one of the corner squares): When a player
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advances his piece into a Zone (from either direction), he or she must
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stop and end the turn on that Zone. When exiting a Zone, only one dice
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is rolled instead of the usual two die. This includes the first move
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of the game, during which a player exits the Lurker Zone.
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5. A player whose piece occupies the first side of the board (not including
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the Newbie Zone), is called a "lurker." On any turn after a lurker's
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initial turn, he or she may opt to advance directly to the Newbie Zone
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instead of rolling two die and progressing sequentially along the side
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of the board. The advantage in doing this is that it gets a player
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out of the lurker side more quickly, but at the cost of "clue points"
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(see below).
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6. When a lurker's game piece is advanced to a lurker square, the message
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on the square indicates the key articles that that player was fortunate
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enough to read during a Usenet session. The number after the messages
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is the number of "clue points" gained by reading those articles. Players
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should keep track of accumulated clue points using a pencil and paper
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(not included -- oops, I should have mentioned that above, oh well).
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Some of the square give the player the option of continuing to lurk
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(i.e., moving their playing piece the designated number of square
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backwards).
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7. Players become "newbies" by advancing to the Newbie Zone. Newbies try
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to advance up the second side of the board, where the square contain
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messages requiring the player to either (a) move an additional number
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of squares forwards (+) or backwards (-), or (b) draw a card from the
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flame, clue or volcano decks, and follow the instructions on that
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card. Some cards carry instructions, while some reward the player with
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additional clue points or take clue points away (see description of
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cards below)
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Player become "cavenewts" by advancing to the CaveNewt Zone, and
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"oldbies" by advancing to the Oldbie Zone. The rules for cavenewts
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and oldbies are the same as those described above for newbies, except
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that we all know who is better.
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8. When a player who is a newbie, a cavenewt or an oldbie ends his turn on a
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square containing the gamepeice(s) of another player or players, he or
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she has the option of "flaming" any one of those players. A player
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flames another player by rolling one dice and adding that number to the
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total number of clue points that he or she has at that time. The player
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being flamed then "counterflames" by rolling one dice and adding his
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or her total number of clue points. The two number are compared and
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the player with the higher total has "outflamed" the other and gains
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a number of clue points equal to the total showing on the two dice,
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while the victim loses a corresponding number of clue points (down
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to a minimum of zero clue points). Note that it is possible for the
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outcome of a flame war to be preditermined if a flamer has many more
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clue points than the victim. C'est la fucking vie, as they say.
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9. After a player rolls to move, he or she may opt to convert clue points
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into additional squares of forward movement at a rate of ten clue points
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per square of movement. This maneouver is typically used to avoid some
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cruel fate (like landing on a volcano square), to end a move on the square
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of another player in order to flame, or to reach some desired goal like
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the final square.
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10. The final square (adjacent to the Lurker Zone) is the "All out Flamewar"
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square. A player whose gamepiece reaches this square stops all movement
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and immediately proceeds to "flame" all other remaining non-lurker
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players, in any order, using the flaming rules described above. This is
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the final battle, to determine whether or not the player becomes a
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"respected oldbie" and wins the game:
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If the flamer outflames every other player, he or she wins the game, but
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if the flamer fails to outflame one of the other players, then the flamer
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must stop flaming and immediately move back to the Oldbie Zone.
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Additionally, any of the other non-lurker players who is outflamed by
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the flamer is moved backwards to the nearest Zone, except newbies,
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who are blasted out of the game. But if any other newbie or cave-newt
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players manage to outflame the flamer, then they immediately advance
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forwards to the next Zone. Oldbies who outflame the flamer do not
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get to move forwards.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE GAME BOARD (squares are listed in sequence, moving clockwise around
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the board):
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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LURKER ZONE (corner square)
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sparky tells a tale (3 clue points...)
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dominus, ranjit and yarvin make exceedingly clever remarks (2)
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hamlet, dschmidt, buzzard and the brothers schnitzius say something funny (1)
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gypsy suffers angst (1)
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gooley and shergold make a non-sequitur (2)
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nj, morrissa, and billbill write something delightful (3)
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RICHH writes a Karen story (3)
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lstewart flames DAC most unwholesomely (2)
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lordsnooty, starcap'n ra and drieux write something sarcastic (1)
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woods, lippert, blair, and johnson post one-liners (1)
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more articles from canetoad! (2)
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vail, zed, larne, fawcett and thorne write something ingenious (3)
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you may opt to lurk some more (go back 10 spaces or stay here)
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cj writes about coffee stirrers (3)
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tswaterman, chaos and m.d'nereverri write something haunting (2)
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clifton, dorsey and rpwhite say something technical (1)
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shergold, cannon, travaglia, solberg and cosyn spin amusing yarns (1)
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legare, sabbott, woodyatt and mrx write something disturbing (2)
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sho is back! (3)
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bc, ljd and ajd write about finches and guitars (3)
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mantis, jackson, thoth, benth, vacca and byrd write something wonderful (2)
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xian, st. terri and yong-mi kim comment drily (1)
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you may opt to lurk some more (go back 10 spaces or stay here)
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NEWBIE ZONE (corner square)
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you use a stale catchphrase -1 (go back one square...)
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you try your hand at Rictus Hep and blow it -1
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you fall for a Carasso "newbie trap" -2
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you fall for the misc.test trick -2
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*** get a clue ***
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*** flame card ***
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you engage in a spelling flame -3
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you use line lengths longer than 80 spaces -3
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you make a ^L blunder -4
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you put a silly ascii graphic in your .sig -4
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you imitate Carasso -5
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*** get a clue ***
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*** volcano card ***
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my gawd! you actually write something halfway decent +5
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*** flame card ***
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you make a blatant horndog post -6
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you participate in a cascade -6
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you post about killing a prominent politician: FBI interrogates you -7
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*** get a clue ***
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*** flame card ***
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an oldbie killfile is posted and you are in it -7
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you make a Monty Python reference -8
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you accidentally flame a respected oldbie -9
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CAVE NEWT ZONE
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you flounder -1
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Alfvaen uses your four words in a story +1
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you toy with a pack of newbies -1
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Rigler "one-ups" you with a true story from his colorful past +1
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*** get a clue ***
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you write something blatheringly incoherent -2
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you dash off a clever SSC, one line bio, or Rictus Hep +2
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you write something excruciatingly boring -2
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you help out with t.b. quality control +2
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*** flame card ***
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you are "one-lined" by Blair -0
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*** volcano card ***
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gypsy is bored by you +0
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you write something amazingly shallow -3
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a respected oldbie follows up your post +3
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you write something decidedly wretched -3
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you get fan mail from a respected oldbie +3
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*** get a clue ***
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you write something intensely stupid -4
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you write something halfway decent +4
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you write something blatantly mysogynistic -4
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you crash a t.b party: they seem to like you +4
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*** flame card ***
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OLDBIE ZONE
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you get fan mail from a newbie -1
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you dash off a rictus hep, one-line bio and SSC +1
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*** flame card ***
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you waste time arguing with Dolan -1
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you help drive off the September freshman horde +1
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you write something amazingly good +4
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Carasso hassles you -2
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you help squelch a crosspost war +3
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suffer from angst -2
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*** flame card ***
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*** volcano card ***
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*** flame card ***
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you write The Supreme t.b Article +6
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you are invited to a t.b party: they respect you afterwards +4
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a respected oldbie backs you up +2
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you drive a pack of rank newbies from the newsfroup +2
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*** flame card ***
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you coin a catchphrase +1
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you get disgusted with the newsfroup: yearn for the "Golden Age of t.b" -3
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creativity deserts you! -3
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you are invited to a t.b party: they find out you're a total squid -4
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you suffer a brief relapse into cave-newt-hood -4
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-= ALL OUT FLAMEWAR =-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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DESCRIPTION OF CARDS:
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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FLAME CARDS:
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dobson and bur stop bickering long enough to flame you -1 clue point...
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Carasso picks on you -2
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sho calls you "darling" -5
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gypsy calls you a misogynist -5
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cj puts you in her killfile -6
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lstewart includes you in a story -5
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Captain Ra says "You're a stupid asshole. Shut the fuck up." -5
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you are flamed mercilessly by Greg Nowak -5
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*plonk* -2
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another flame from Dominus -4
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Jeff Carroll pokes fun at you -2
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(set includes blank cards -- invent your own!)
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.
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.
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.
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CLUE CARDS:
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why not attempt to write something original and entertaining? +1 clue point
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please refrain from posting something that is boring +2
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try not to post excessively +2
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originals are preferred over followups +2
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never participate in cascades +3
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do not crosspost innapropriately +2
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edit the newsgroups line in your follow-ups +2
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don't be overly sensitive to flames +1
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never make a Monty Python reference +4
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don't imitate carasso +3
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try not to be such a horndog +5
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(set includes blank cards -- invent your own!)
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.
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.
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.
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VOLCANO CARDS:
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LOSS OF CREATIVITY! (lose 10 clue points)
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NEWSERVER DOWN! (lose 1 turn)
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BUSINESS TRIP: NO NET ACCESS! (lose 2 turns)
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PROJECT DUE: TOO BUSY TO READ USENET! (lose 3 turns)
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YOU ARE MASS KILLFILED! (go back to Newbie Zone)
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YOU LOSE YOUR ACCOUNT! (start completely over in the Lurker Zone)
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SHIT! SEPTEMBER AGAIN! (lose 1 turn)
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YOU HAVE BEEN FORGED! (go back 20 spaces)
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NEWSGROUP BOGGED DOWN BY CROSSPOSTING -- (lose 1 turn)
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(set includes blank cards -- invent your own!)
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.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Variants:
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For a real challenge, play the game with a three coffee stirrers
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instead of two six-sided dice.
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This article is actually intended to present the skeleton of a
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rather crummy board game which could be fleshed out and refined to suite
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the reader's individual tastes. It might be fun to play at a FAX.BOB, for
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example, after everyone has had ten or twenty beers.
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Or maybe not, now that I think about it. After ten beers I'd
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probably be more interested in getting into gypsy's pants. After twenty
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beers I'd probably be trying to screw anyone or anything still twitching,
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even if it said "Eep!" or called me a mysogynist or told me to "Garnish
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with beak."
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Oh never mind.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"God, sometimes you make Bur seem creative." --R. Dobson Michael A. Rigler rigler@dao.nrc.ca
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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