421 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
421 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
From: szielins@us.oracle.com (szielins.US1)
|
|
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
|
|
Subject: Field Guide to System Administrators
|
|
Keywords: laugh, original, computers
|
|
Message-ID: <S4a6.5a01@looking.on.ca>
|
|
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 3:25:10 EST
|
|
Lines: 419
|
|
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR-- A FIELD GUIDE
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There are four major species of Unix sysad:
|
|
|
|
1) The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been
|
|
forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the
|
|
Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
|
|
|
|
2) The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely,
|
|
a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system
|
|
administration.
|
|
|
|
3) The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither
|
|
the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer
|
|
espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches
|
|
major competitors with indesp schemes.
|
|
|
|
4) The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer
|
|
selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins,
|
|
morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Low disk space. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk
|
|
usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk
|
|
usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are
|
|
more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the
|
|
offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not
|
|
change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated
|
|
mail, or file it away in triplicate.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses
|
|
disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work.
|
|
Locks accounts that go over quota.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC:
|
|
# cd /home
|
|
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# cd /home
|
|
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor
|
|
processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more
|
|
than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending
|
|
processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
|
|
database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much
|
|
to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses
|
|
CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions,
|
|
thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek
|
|
freaks.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC:
|
|
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: New account creation. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home
|
|
directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places
|
|
entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT
|
|
with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
|
|
handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over
|
|
the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts
|
|
are ever created.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd.
|
|
Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever
|
|
fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are
|
|
ever created.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own
|
|
account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn
|
|
sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
|
|
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Root disk fails. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair
|
|
filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles
|
|
microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary
|
|
boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
|
|
over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who
|
|
broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified
|
|
and charged for the equipment.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses
|
|
sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens
|
|
pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and
|
|
reinstall the OS.
|
|
MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen
|
|
hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets.
|
|
Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Poor network response. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then
|
|
rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs
|
|
shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd.
|
|
Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network
|
|
quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and
|
|
waits for connections to time out.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# compress -f /dev/en0
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: User questions. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer
|
|
new users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the
|
|
new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd.
|
|
Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance,
|
|
often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes
|
|
barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until
|
|
the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix,
|
|
and/or French until user gives up and goes away.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can
|
|
present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the
|
|
machine.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC:
|
|
# cat >> ~luser/.cshrc
|
|
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc'
|
|
^D
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge.
|
|
Recruits user to system administration team.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Process accounting management. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts
|
|
scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to
|
|
accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who
|
|
use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes
|
|
run quickly.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# cd c:
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS,
|
|
but loves the jackboots.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well
|
|
how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: AIX.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd.
|
|
Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get
|
|
user who submitted the most recent job fired.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all
|
|
the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour
|
|
from cron.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: OS upgrade. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only
|
|
what he likes.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor
|
|
for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC:
|
|
# uptime
|
|
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31
|
|
# wall
|
|
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that
|
|
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
|
|
^D
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Balky mail. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites
|
|
sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks
|
|
kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in
|
|
assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks
|
|
accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that
|
|
people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC:
|
|
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
|
|
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
|
|
# wall
|
|
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
|
|
^D
|
|
# write max
|
|
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
|
|
^D
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- SITUATION: Users want phone list application. ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users
|
|
give up and go back to post-it notes.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to
|
|
post-it notes.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way
|
|
God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go
|
|
back to post-it notes.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT:
|
|
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
|
|
|
|
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
OTHER GUIDELINES:
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the
|
|
output of a perl script, rewrites itself.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
|
|
umask 777
|
|
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Typical lines include:
|
|
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
|
|
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
|
|
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
|
|
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Typical lines include:
|
|
alias dir ls
|
|
alias era rm
|
|
alias kitty cat
|
|
alias process_table ps
|
|
setenv DISPLAY vt100
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest.
|
|
Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual
|
|
reality .
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs.
|
|
Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations.
|
|
Listens to police band.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office.
|
|
Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone
|
|
conversations. Jams police band.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral
|
|
converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs
|
|
out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick
|
|
up Birkenstock MOTAS.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _Mein
|
|
Kampf_. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver.
|
|
Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to
|
|
pick up dominatrixes.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_. Faithfully
|
|
attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say
|
|
"virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey,
|
|
Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and
|
|
tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them.
|
|
Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often
|
|
succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's
|
|
book.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only
|
|
because he liked Tipper.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Perot.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
|
|
|
|
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
|
|
|
|
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
|
|
|
|
IDIOT: Quayle.
|
|
|
|
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
|
|
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to
|
|
prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system
|
|
resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring
|
|
the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords.
|
|
Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.
|
|
|
|
TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or
|
|
later do an "rm -rf /".
|
|
|
|
FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether
|
|
real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain
|
|
detectors and Halon system.
|
|
|
|
FASCISTIC IDIOT:
|
|
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
|
|
|
|
MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
|
|
-Stephan Zielinski
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Selected by Maddi Hausmann. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com
|
|
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
|