97 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
97 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
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~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ SuperMarket
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~
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~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~~~
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Shelf Control Dept. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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------------------- ~~~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~ ~~
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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~ ~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
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<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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If you're a consumber (and who isn't?) you must have noticed that no
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matter which supermarket you go to, your shopping experience is pretty
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much the same: LOUSY! Why? Because all supermarkets follow secret,
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diabolical guidelines that store employees must swear to never reveal
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to the public. But we at MAD (this bulletin was taken out of MAD) have
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discovered them, and expose them here for the first time.
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MILK DEPARTMENT RULE #6467.1 (Written by Ari Salt,The foundation Co-sysop)
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All bags of milk must be floating in at least 5 cm of old , rotten ,
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smelly milk.
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MILK DEPARTMENT RULE #6467.1 (Written by Ari Salt,The foundation Co-sysop)
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At least one bag of milk will have a hole in it by the time you get
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to the checking counter - (and one more by the time you get home..)
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PRODUCE DEPARTMENT RULE #409:
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At least 85% of all fruit and vegtable plastic bags shall not be
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openable at either end.
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IN-STORE ANNOUNCEMENTS RULE #17.6:
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The public address system shall be adjusted so that all announcements
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are blood-curdling, startlingly load, yet totally garbled and distorted.
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SHELF STOCKING RULE #22.8:
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At least 33% of the shelves in every aisle shall be blocked by large,
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heavy boxes making merchandise impossible to reach.
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UNIT PRICING RULE #96.2:
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All products shall be marked in such a way so as to make comparative
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pricing impossible.
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COMPUTERIZED CASH REGISTERS RULE #9.9:
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All checkout clerks shall be required to drag products over the UPC
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scanner a minimum of four (4) times before it's price registers.
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MEAT COUNTER RULE #545.7:
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Each meat package shall contain not less then six (6) ounces of red,
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sticky, smelly, dripping blood.
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MERCHANDISE DISPLAY RULE #818.2:
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Merchandise Displays shall be con-structed in such a way so that the
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removal of any item shall cause the entire display to collapse.
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COUPON RULE #666.2:
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For any store merchandise offered in conjunction with a newspaper coupon,
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super-market managerment shall order stock in quantities that will fall
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far short of the anticipated customer demand.
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DELI DEPARTMENT RULE #29.1:
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The egg, shrimp, chicken and potato salads in display cases shall each
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have a hardened, drided-out crust of not less then 1/2-inch.
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CHECKOUT COUNTER SCHEDULING RULE #744.9:
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During the store's busiest hours, the registers shall be operated by
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the slowest, clumsiest and most incompetent checkout clerks.
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