155 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
155 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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| "The True Definition of a SQUID" - Written by The Ascii Assassin |
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| Written on 3/10 and 3/11, MCMLXXXVI. An AssassinSoft production. |
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|_____________________________________________________________________________|
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-- Disclaimer.
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This file is intended to be read for entertainment purposes only.
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No offense is intended towards anyone that happens to fall under the catagory
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of "squid", as dictated by this file; neither is offense intended from those
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quoted by said file. On with the show...
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-- Introduction.
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Recently, there has been a large group of people calling one another
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"squids". Mind you, this isn't a local problem; Squid-hood has spread across
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the entire country. Since "squid" has become the hip & happening word to call
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somebody you don't like, we take the time to present this file to help dist-
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inguish a squid from whatever other riff-raff you have them confused with.
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-- Definition of a Squid.
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"Squid (skwid) n. A marine mollusk with a long body and ten arms
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surrounding the mouth. [Origin unknown]". Picture included in the dictionary
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was just what you expected: An ugly, elongated little sea-creature. If the
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folks who pubished the dictionary knew what they were talking about, the
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illustration would most likely show a disheveled looking teenager, slumped over
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a computer, frantically typing on a BBS. You might be thinking "Hmm, so a
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squid is just a fancy name for a 'Modem Geek'.."; That's only half of the
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story.
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-- What's the Other Half of the Story?
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Squids are generally known as modem geeks, but there are exceptions.
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No ordinary modem geek has what it takes to be a true squid, In person,
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he may not be considered as pitiful as the average, run of the mill nerd
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(sometimes, the two parallel rather closely, nevertheless..). It takes
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a combination of odd personality and a lot of free time to merit the much
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coveted title of "squid".
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-- How Many Squids Really Exist?
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Squid-hood in it's TRUE form is very rare, so there is no need to
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fear an epidemic. They rarely run their own boards, so new users won't be
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tempted to mimic their "FAV0RITE SYS0P" on that "K-K00L B0ARD!1" that the squid
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might otherwise run. If a squid does happen to influence a new user, another
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true squid might be born. One might compare this phenomenon to that of a virus
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contaminating whatever was healthy before, thereby turning it into mush which
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breeds more viruses. So much for cute analogies.
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If you want to find %`<60>quid, the best places to look are on just about
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any Apple-Net boards in your local area. Since John Pechacek was probably a
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true squid during his pirating days (under the handle "Apple Bandit"), it
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only seems natural that squids like such BBS's.
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-- Some Helpful Hints on Squid Identification.
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The guidelines that the typical squid follows in his/her/it's day to
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day life has been outlined in a "Real ---- guide" format. I know, the "real so
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and so Guide" business is getting old, but it seems like the best way to
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classify all this information. Here we go...
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Real squids ALWAYS have elite access on ANY and EVERY Apple-Net BBS
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within a 30 milre radius of their modem.
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Corollary: Real squids NEVER have elite access on any other type of
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bulletin board.
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Real squids have love/hate feelings about John Pechacek. They love him because
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they think he is a God-like programmer, they hate him because he always seems
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to crash their favorite board until the sysop send him $55 to pay for a
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legitimate copy of Apple-Net.
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Real squids, if they happen to have a 1200 baud modem, spit on anything below
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1200 baud. They NEVER call boards that are 300 baud only, because it's "too
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slow".
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Corollary: Real squids try to take speed reading courses, to keep up with the
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1200 baud display.
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Real squids NEVER run their own BBS.
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Corollary: Real squids would rather go to a sysop's house and bother users
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from the local end.
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Real squids don't attempt to defend themselves when being called a squid. They
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believe that being called a "squid" is a supreme honor.
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Real squids THINK they have a sense of humor. They often create fictional char-
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acters (don't ask me why, it just sounds like a squidly thing to do..right?)
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Corollary: Nobody really cares when a squid says "Franklin Macintoshman lives!"
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or "Joe Bob's Grease-o-Matic Burger Joint! Call and order.."
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Real squids like to wear t-shirts that have sayings about "Cthulhu" emblazoned
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upon them.
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Real squids NEVER buy records or tapes, the only music they listen to is on
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AM radio.
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Corollary: Real squids listen to KFRC.
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Read squids are out of high-school, but don't attend college because it would
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not leave them with enough time to call the 99E99 boards they are on at one
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time.
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Real squids don't have jobs.
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Real squids take great pride in their "intelligence".
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Real squids play chess, D&D, and various other role playing and war games,
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ONLY if they can be adapted for BBS play. Squids are attracted to BBS's that
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have more than 10 sub-boards dedicated to gaming.
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Real squids, when feeling like getting into a real bitch-war, call other users
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names that are normally linked to fruits and vegetables (ie: Grapefruit, Cuc-
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umber, etc).
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Real squids, if they attempt to write text-files (VERY rarely), write files
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that are takeoff's on other text-files (they usually write takeoff's on a
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takeoff that offended them).
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Corollary: It's a good thing that real squids don't write many more text-files
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than they do right now. (Need I say more?)
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-- Conclusion.
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Squids are (unfortunately) here to stay. About all you can do is
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identify them, and eradicate them if possible. The original squids have
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"contaminated" enough users (thus transforming them into real squids them-
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selves) that it is literally impossible to correct their problems.
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This file is dedicated to the "Nwonknu" series of BBS's. If it
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weren't for Ken, there would be no sanctuary for lonely squids everywhere.
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Try these great squid-stops..
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415-369-9255 Lamorak
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415-854-9276 Temple of the Snake
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415-365-4194 Nwonknu HQ
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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IDI 415 344 6568
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Press a key...
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Downloaded from The Land Of Fa II [716]/773-7526
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