textfiles/humor/smackjok.hum

^S^Q    




Welp,   here's another file of jokes and lymricks for you to spit on.  If ya 
don't like 'em,  i heard that computer paper burns well in the fireplace,  and
adds a nice aroma to the room.  Have fun with these jokes.  They aren't in any
order,  an i am a reeeeal lazy type of guy.  So,  if ya come across a joke 
with an ethnic group you don't wanna blast on,  change the name.  Like from
Polack to Jap or something.  Who the fuck cares.  It don't make any difference
at all!  Later,  enjoy!



What brand of shampoo does Micheal Jackson use?
>Head and Smolders<

What's the difference between a Peurto Rican and a pothole?
>You'd swerve to miss the pothole<

Why can't Ray Charles and Stevie wonder read music?
>Because they're black<
Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time?
>He doesn't know he's black<

How do you kill an Italian?
>Slam the toilet seat on his head while he's getting a drink of water<

Why don't Italians have freckles?
>They slide off<

Who really assasinated J.F. Kennedy?
>500 Italian sharpshooters<

Why does the new Italian Navy have glass bottomed boats?
>So the can see the old Italian Navy<

Why did God make cum white and piss yellow?
>So Polacks would know whether they're coming or going<

What did the Polack do when he found out he had sugar in his urine?
>Every morning he pissed in his coffee<

Why do Polacks wear hats?
>So they know which end to wipe<

What happens when an Italian cleans his ears?
>His head caves in<

How do you keep Italians out of your front yard?
>Keep the garbage cans out back<
What happens when a Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall?
>He smashes his nose<

Why did Europeans bring the wheelbarrow to Africa?
>To teach the natives to walk on their hind legs<

What are three things you can't give a black man?
>A fat lip,  a black eye,  and a job<

Why did the Polish girl tattoo her zip code on her thighs?
>So she could get male in her box<

Why do blacks order finger bowls in restraunts?
>So they can wash their silverware before they steal it<

What did the gynecologist say to his wife after a long day at work?
>Honey,  I'm bushed<

What happens to Egyptian girls when they forget to take the pill?
>They become Mummies<  (sorry, guys)

How can you tell a Japanese camera?
>You press the button and the shutter goes "crick"<

In what month do JAPs talk the least?
>February<

What's the difference between a monkey and an Italian?
>The Italian has more fleas<

How can you tell an Italian firing squad?
>They're the ones standing in a circle<

What do they call an Italian submarine captain?
>Chicken of the Sea<

Why are Polish jokes so short?
>So Italians can understand them<

What's "glass"
>Japanese marijuana<

How do you spoil a Polish wedding?
>Flush the punchbowl<

How do you sink a Polish ship?
>Put it in water<

How do you get a one-armed Polock out of a tree?
>Wave<

How did the Polack break his neck raking leaves?
>He fell out of the tree<

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?
>You can get a drink out of a coconut<

What's the official Puerto Rican mascot?
>The litterbug<

What have Puerto Ricans contributed to the air pollution problem?
>About 90%<


ok,  here's 2 lymricks.  I didn't write em,  but can't remember who did.  They
're excellant tho!

Sung to the tune of "The Brady Bunch"
-------------------------------------

Here's the story,  of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very loose girls
all of them doing trix,  for their mother,  the youngest one with girls.

Here's the story,  of a fruit named Brady,  who was selling off three fags of 
his own.  They were 4 bi's,  living all together,  yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady doused this fellow.  He knew he was getting muc
h more than cunt.  That this crew may somehow form a family.  that's how they
became the Herpe Bunch!

The Herpe Bunch! da! da! da! The Herpe Bunch! da! da! da! That's how they 
became the Herpe Bunch!


There once was a man named Jay,
Who made a cunt out of clay.
The heat from his prick
turned it to brick
and rubbed all his foreskin away.


What does the number 1-C represent?
>The apartment number of a Puerto Rican penthouse<

What do the numbers 1492 and 1776 have in common?
>They're the numbers of adjoining rooms at the Warsaw Hilton<

Why do Puerto Ricans have such big wallets?
>To carry all their food stamps in<

Did you hear about the Polacks who went to the drive in movie?
>They didn't like the show,  so they slashed the seats<

How did the Polish hemopheliac die?
>He tried to cure himself with acupuncture<

Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to capture the Alamo?
>So they could have 4 clean walls to write on<

What do you call a black on a palomino?
>Leroy Rogers<

How come Polish stadiums don't have grass?
>To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime<

Why is the NFL going to use a green football next season?
>Ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon?<

There's this cross atlantic flight, see?  The pilot comes on and says:"We need
three people to jump from the plane to save the rest of us!".  A Frenchman get
's up and says "Vive la France"   and jumps out.  An Englishman gets up and 
says "Long live the queen"  and jumps out.  A Texan get's up and says "Remembe
r the Alamo"  and throws out a Mexican.

There's this old Mexican farmer,  see?  Terrible things are happening to him.
His cattle are dying,  his wife left him,  his son got his daughter pregnant.
He calls to God "God,  why are you doing this to me?"  A voice thunders back:
"Because I hate Mexicans!"

There's this old black guy dying,  see?  He prays to God:"  God is you black
or is You white,  I got's ta know!"  God answers back "I am what I am"  The 
black says "Don't be jivin' me ,  Lord,  I really got's to know!"  God says"
If I was black I would have said 'I is what I is'"

What do Mr.T and a 1-inch cock have in common?
>No one wants to fuck with either one of them<

Did you hear Reagan appointed a new black diplomat?
>He's ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle<

What do you get when you cross Bo Derek and a black?
>A ten of spades<

How was copper wire invented?
>To Jews found the same penny<

What's wrong with the new Warsaw stadium?
>Everywhere you sit,  it's behind a Pole<

What's black and white and goes rolling down the sidewalk?
>A black and a pidgeon fighting over a chicken wing<

What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Hari Krishna?
>Someone who sells insurance at the airport<

Why don't you EVER run over a black on a bike?
>It could be your bike<

Why do black kids have bigger dicks than white kids?
>White kids get toys to play with<

What's a bathroom menace?
>A Jewish man circumcised by a cross-eyed rabbi<

What's the leading cause of death in Poland?
>Sewercide<

What's the cheapest way to grease your car?
>Run over a Mexican<

What do you find in a Mexican nose?
>Fingerprints<

Why did the Nazi's place armed guards at the latrines when they invaded Poland
?
>They wanted to starve the population<

A man walks into a store and says to the man behind the counter, "I'd like a
pound of cole slaw and a half a pound of kielbasa."
    The counter man asked,  "Are you Polish?"
    "Yeah.  How'd you know?"
    "This is a hardware store."

Why did the Puerto Rican turn down a blow job?
>He thought it would stop his unemployment checks<

What's a Polacks favorite sex aid?
>Pepto Bismol<

Why are chickens so ugly?
>You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker sticking out of your head<

Why does an elephant have four feet?
>Because eight inches aren't enuff<

Why is Billie Jean King so good at tennis?
>Because she swings both ways<

What do you call a gay bar without stools?
>A fruit stand<

What's an Oriental faggot?
>A Japansie<

What product is Billie Jean King endorsing now?
>Snap-On Tools<

Why is AIDS called the "miracle" disease?
>It turns fruits into vegetables<

What do you call a fag with the runs?
>A juicy fruit<

Did you hear about the new cereal called Queerios?
>You add milk and they eat each other<

What's a bi-sexual?
>A guy who likes girls as well as the next fellow<

What's a chimpanzee?
>A gay monkey<


    2 little boys were arguing:
    "My father's better than your father!"
    "No,  he's not!"
    "My bother's better than your brother!"
    "No,  he's not!"
    "My mother's better than your mother!
    "Well,  you got me there.  My father says the same thing."


What's protein?
>A girl who's too young to fuck<

What do you throw at a wedding when the brides pregnant?
>Puffed rice<

What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
>A religious movement<

Did you hear about the little old lady with vericose viens who won the prize 
at the costume party?
>She took off her clothes and went as a road map<

An old navy admiral walked into the whorehouse and gave the slut $20.  He said
"How'm I doing?"
"About three knots"
"Three knots?"
"Yeah,  yer not hard,  yer not in,  and yer not getting your money back!"

Why did God give women nipples?
>To make suckers out of men<

What's a fuckoff?
>What happens when there's a tie at the Miss Universe contest<

Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes?
>Neither has she<

What do you call the sweat between Dolly Parton's tits?
>Moutain Dew<

What happened when Brutus went to Mount Olive?
>Popeye almost killed him<

What's the definition of really big feet?
>When you go to dance with Dolly Parton and still step on her toes<

Why did the gorgeus thing go to Hollywood?
>She wanted to make love under the stars<

Why was Adam an idiot?
>Because he had a woman and an apple and he ate the apple<

What's adolescence?
>The life stage between puberty and adultery<

What's alimony?
>The screwing you get for the screwing you got<

What's adultery?
>Two wrong people doing the right thing<

What do vampires eat as snack crackers?
>Scabs<

What's the definition of "Peter Pan"
>A wash basin  at a whorehouse<

What sound does a pubic hair make before it hits the ground?
>Phtooie!<

What do you call a pigmy rapist?
>A little fucker<

What's better than roses on you piano?
>Two lips on your organ<

What has fuzzy balls and eats pussy?
>Billie Jean King<

Did you hear about the new over-the-counter medication called SEX-LAX?
>It's for people who have trouble coming instead of going<

Did you hear that Joan Rivers is so sarcastic even her cunt talks back?
>She calls it her answering cervix<

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
>They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.<

What do women and ovens have in common?
>You have to get both of them hot before you stick the meat in<

Why did the rubber fly across the room?
>Because it got pissed off<

What's brown and soft and sits on a piano bench?
>Beethoven's first movement<

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any little Clauses?
>Because he only comes once a year,  and that's down a chimney<

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
>The taste<

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
>Gonnorhea< 


What's the best way to eat chicken?
>Put one leg around each ear<

What do you give a man who has everything?
>Pennicillin<

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
>Full<

What's a bastard fart?
>A stinker without a pop<




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#!                                                                          !#
!#     Welp,   I guess that about wraps it up.  Not too bad,  coulda        #!
#!     been a little longer,  but,  I ain't gettin' paid for it!!!!!        !#
!#                                                                          #!
#!     Tanx to:   The Micromancer,  and whoever the hell wrote the          !#
!#     lymmricks that I put in.  Thanx a bunch,  dudes.                     #!
#!                                                                          !#
!#     Call these fine AE's and upload!                                     #!
#!     The Nile:   303 369 6260                                             !#
!#     The Abode ][:  203 746 2570                                          #!
#!     The Squirrel's Lair:   606 341 8204                                  !#
!#     all induvidual passwords except:  703 922 6123 :pw:SPIRAL            #!
#!                                                                          !#
!#     The SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMACK                         #!
#!                                                                          !#
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