167 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
167 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
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! A S K T H E E X P E R T !
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:-=*)> WRITTEN BY <(*=-:
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TRISTAN FARNON & D'ARK ANGEL
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...For those of you who watch channel 48, (all 2 or 3 of you), you may have
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come across a live tax program called "Ask the Expert", hosted by an idiot named
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"Skip Lindeman". This file will tell you all about this program, and how to
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take full advantage of it when it's "on-the-air".
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=========================
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RECOGINZING SKIP LINDEMAN
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=========================
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This is not difficult. Once you have tuned to channel 48, just wait for a guy
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who wears strange ties (they are usually polka dotted or have strange pictures
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on them). Look at his eyebrows. When he talks, do they undulate like
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caterpillars? Do they look like caterpillars? If they do, you have located
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your target.
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======================
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ABOUT "ASK THE EXPERT"
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======================
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"Ask the Expert" is a very dull, very boring tax program, which has the nice
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characteristic of being live, on-the-air. You can call in and ask a question if
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you like, but nobody ever calls to ask a question. In fact, nobody ever calls
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the stupid show except the people that channel 48 pays to call.
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===============================
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HOW TO CALL UP "ASK THE EXPERT"
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===============================
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Well, like any live broadcast, radio or tv, you must have a question ready.
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They check you first, before they send you over the air. So, it helps to know
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several complicated terms to throw in when they ask you beforehand, "Can I have
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your question, please?" Why not try:
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I would like to know about investing in overseas money market accounts. or,
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How much do standardized (whatever they are's) cost on the industrial market?
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or just simply, How did (he/she) get started in investing in gold and silver
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options?
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======================
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WHEN YOU'RE ON THE AIR
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======================
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Now, I'm sure you're not going to be serious when you're talking in front of
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thousands of people. So, why not try some of the following questions when good
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ol' Skippy (the host) says, "Ok, we're going over to line two..."
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"Howdy, Skip!! This is Ben calling from San Hoser, California! I'd really
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like to know where you bought that stupid tie--" (CLICK!)
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"Hola, Senor! Como esta usted?--"
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In a breathy, needy voice, say:
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"Skip...I need the cocaine now!! I need the cocaine now, Skip!! Please!!"
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(That'll make him turn red)
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"Hello Skip. I was wondering if you are interested in buying a couple of
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photos I took of you with a lady that I don't think is your wife...shall we say,
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$8000.00?"
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"Hello, Skip. Are you a homosexual?"
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or a variation of that:
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"Hello Skip. Do you engage in homosexual activities with giraffes?"
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"Hi Skip. Do you like hippopotomuses?"
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======================
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OTHER FUN THINGS TO DO
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======================
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GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF FRIENDS TOGETHER, THEN GET THEM ALL TO CALL. IF SHOULD
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END UP THAT EACH PERSON GETS A LINE IN SUCCESSION. HERE'S HOW THE DIALOGUE
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MIGHT GO ALONG:
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SKIP: "OK, WE GO OVER TO LINE 1. HELLO! YOU'RE ON 'ASK THE EXPERT'"
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PERSON: "HI, SKIP. CAN YOUR PENIS FIT INTO A PIECE OF MACARONI?"
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SKIP: (TURNING BLUE) "UM...ALL RIGHT. NOW WE'LL GO OVER TO LINE TWO..."
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PERSON: "WELL?? CAN IT??"
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(ABOUT NOW, SKIP'S GUEST IS TRYING VERY, VERY HARD NOT TO BURST OUT LAUGHING)
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SKIP: OK, WE'LL GO BACK TO LINE ONE. HELLO, YOU'RE ON 'ASK THE EXPERT'
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PERSON: "I BETCHA IT CAN!"
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SKIP: (GETTING SLIGHTLY UPSET) "OK...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH CRANKS.
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LINE TWO, YOU'RE ON THE AIR."
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PERSON: "HI SKIP. NICE TIE YOU'VE GOT THERE!"
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SKIP: "ER...UM..UM...OK, WE'LL GO OVER TO LINE ONE. HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL BE
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A QUESTION FOR THE GUEST!! HA, HA..."
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PERSON: "YES, HELLO. I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE GUEST. DID YOU KNOW YOU'VE
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GOT HUGE BREASTS?"
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SKIP: (NOW HE'S TRYING HARD NOT TO CRY) "UM...LINE TWO, YOU'RE ON 'ASK THE
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EXPERT'"
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PERSON: "YOUR FLY IS UNDONE, SKIP!"
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SKIP: (NEVER ONCE DARING TO LOOK DOWN) "WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE TIME WE
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HAVE FOR QUESTIONS NOW. THANK YOU FOR...YOUR..CALLS."
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==============
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AFTER THE SHOW
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==============
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SKIP: "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU IDIOTS THINK YOU'RE DOING?? YOU CAN'T LET
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EVERYONE THAT CALLS ON THE SHOW!! DID THEY ALL HAVE DECENT QUESTIONS?
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NOOOO! DAMN!! I'VE GOT KIDS TO FEED! I HAVE A HAPPY HOME AND A
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WIFE!! I NEED TO KEEP THIS JOB!"
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===========
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INFORMATION
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===========
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'ASK THE EXPERT' CAN BE SEEN ON CHANNEL 48 ON MOST WEEKDAYS, USUALLY AROUND
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1:00 OR 1:30 PM. ON WEDNESDAYS, SOMETIMES, IT AIRS ON THE SAME CHANNEL AT 4:00.
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IF "ASK THE EXPERT" IS NOT YOUR TYPE OF PROGRAM, TRY "THE PERSONAL COMPUTER
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HOTLINE" WHICH IS ALSO LIVE. YOU CAN SEE THAT ON CHANNEL 48 ON WEDNESDAYS AT
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6:00 PM.
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THE NUMBER, IN CASE YOU NEED IT, IS 408/946-5353. BE PREPARED TO ASK THE
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ATTENDANTS YOUR "REAL" QUESTION FIRST!
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=======
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CREDITS
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=======
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TYPIST.....TRISTAN FARNON
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PHONE
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JOKES......TRISTAN FARNON
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D'ARK ANGEL
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(WITH A LITTLE JOKE FROM
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DAVID KARLTON)
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AND OF COURSE, WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT OUR DEAR FRIEND SKIP LINDEMAN,
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WHO MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE.
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