179 lines
8.5 KiB
Plaintext
179 lines
8.5 KiB
Plaintext
Now, due to very unpopular demand, the famous, incredible, the plugged
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_____
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11 0000 11 I I\ /I
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1 1 0 0 1 1 I I \/ I
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1 00 00 1 I I I
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1 0 0 1
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1 0 0 1
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1 0 0 1
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1 00 00 1 WAYS TO SKIN A CAT
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1 0 0 1
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1111111 0000 1111111
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And for the ASCII graphics illiterate, that's 101 (tm) ways to skin a cat
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Brought to you by Metallica, (c) 1991 Elektra/Asylum text files in
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conjuntion with Psychotic Alliance and licensed by Psychotic Lemmings.
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101 is a registered trademark of MaStEr CoNtRoL, and is dedicated to the
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fair treatment of lemmings everywhere, remember to have your pet sterilized.
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ahem, yes, the text file.
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1. Lawnmower
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2. Hold it by its tail, shake vigorously
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3. Give it a bath in hydrochloric acid
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4. Let it play with a ball of barbed wire
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5. Teach it to jump through a flaming loop, then get it drunk and have it
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do it
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6. Eat it, cough up a furball, then puke
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7. Put it in a paper shredder, slowly (collect bits afterwars, glue and
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some assembly may be required)
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8. Tie tongue to one car, tail to another, and have them dive in opposite
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directions
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9. Flamethrower
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10. Attach tail to fan, put it on high (the fan)
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11. Get a pair of tweasers, pluck one hair at a time
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12. Bury it, dig it up a few weeks later
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13. Throw it at a fan (make sure it's on (the fan))
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14. Stuff it in a mailbox with a quarterstick of dynamite
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15. Throw catnip on the launching pad of the space shuttle just before
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takeoff
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16. Have it roll in hot tar
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17. Drop it off a building onto a sharpened sewer grate
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18. Toss it in Boston Harbor
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19. Use a tire pump to fill it with air, pop it
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20. Shave "Saddam rules" on it and throw it to a pack of Kurds
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21. Volunteer it for a documentary on pirranahs
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22. Cover firecrackers with catnip (light them)
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23. Use it as the bat in "mailbox baseball"
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24. Throw it at the windshield of someone who annoys you (or just for fun)
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25. Tie (or shave) a message on it and throw it through the window of an
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enemy
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26. Use it as shark bait
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27. Train an attack dog with it
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28. Volunteer it for radiation testing
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29. Volunteer it for Olympic training for the hammer throw
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30. Use it as a train brake
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31. Put a condom on its head and give it to a Bishop
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32. Use it as printer paper
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33. Use it as the "kindling" to burn down a billboard (for best results,
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douse in gasoline first)
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34. Rub alcohol on it and chase it over hot coals
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35. Cats love chasing moving things, cut some live electrical wires and
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watch them dance (bring your cat, twit)
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36. Light its tail on fire and watch it chase it
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37. Give the cat and some acid to Skeeve
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38. Let it run The Works for a day
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39. "Bowl" it over millions of shards of broken glass
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40. Experiment with the explosive properties of cat hair
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41. Turn on the car while the cat is getting warm in the engine
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42. Check the read/write properties of cats in disk drives
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43. Test out the hair club for men on it
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44. Put plastic explosives in fake mice
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45. Drop it off a cliff, repeat until it doesn't land on its feet
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46. Feed it to a pack of raving Puce Armadillos
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47. Have it figure out the previous entry
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48. Wrap duct tape around it, peal off rapidly
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49. Have it try to write a 101 (tm) text file
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50. Feed it live grenades (and run)
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51. Slide it quickly down a slide lined with brillo pads
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52. Use it to smoothen the rusty parts on your car
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53. Squeeze it through a pipe half its size
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____________________________________________________________________
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/. .\
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I That's right boys and girls!! We have hit number 53!!! You all I
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I know what that means!! For all of you people that live in caves, I
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I this means that it's time to get a life, spare yourself, and leap I
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I off the Empire State Building with an anvil tied around your I
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I neck. Stop reading this thing now. Jerk, I told you to stop I
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I reading. You aren't worthy, be gone! I
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\____________________________________________________________________/
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Some of you may have noticed the lack of "nails" in the lower left and
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right hand corners of the preceding box. This is due to the shortage of
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ASCII character 250 and our efforts to save the rain forests.
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54. Chainsaw
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55. Throw it at a velcro wall and rip it off
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56. Use a cheese grater
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57. Feed it cherry bombs
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58. See how good it is at "eating fire"
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59. Eat fire yourself, and use the cat as a target (great at parties)
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60. Use sandpaper
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61. Ask it the meaning of life
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62. Have Skeeve explain the meaning of life to it
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63. Use it in a game of "tethercat" (this entry courtosy of The Far Side
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comics inc.)
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64. Have it piss off (or on) Cab the Nastie
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65. Try to get it inside the computer to accomplish the preceding entry
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66. Use hedge clippers
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67. Test how good the properties of cats are for making spam
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68. Scotch (tm) tape it to the exhaust pipe of a bus
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69. Use its face as a guitar pick, gradually move to other parts of its
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body (Note to all you sex perverts: No, I didn't have a special
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entry just for this number, nyah nyah nyah!)
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70. Get a giant, economy size electric pencil sharpener and...well, you
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know...um...ok...fine, so it was a bad idea
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71. Use it as the lance (or shield) for a good clean game of joust
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72. Test its electricity conductivity properties (in any manner you choose)
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73. Put alcohol in its water bowl and release it into a mine field
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74. Nail the pet door on your door closed, encourage it to run full speed
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into the house
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75. Introduce it to Butch the pitbull next door
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76. Pull its flea collar off, going from head to tail
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77. Hang some catnip from the rear bumper of your car (near the tire) and
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have the cat chase it, then slam it (the car) into reverse (this can
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also be found in the soon to be released "101 (tm) ways to ruin your
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transmission")
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78. Have it attempt to figure out "f00g and the art of Zen"
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79. Severely hinder the existence of one of America's greatest evils, the
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trailer park (of course) by using the cat to link two of the park's
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power lines, thus shorting out the whole place
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80. Use it as a place to stick Post-it (tm) notes
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81. Put it on ther head of Raytheon's famous Patriot Missle
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82. Put it 5 miles from the intended target of a Scud
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83. Shave the American flag on it and sell it to a drunken football fan as
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a patriotic souvenir (ok, enough with the belated-gulf-war-patriotic-
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stereotypes)
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84. Paint it white and bring it to a sheep shearing contest
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85. Toss it into the street after it (the street) has been newly tarred, get
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some popcorn and wait for the steam roller
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86. Treat it like you would a balloon animal
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87. Shave signs of the devil on it and give it to Mother Theresa as a gift
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88. Teach it to surf
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89. Have it fight a big armadillo
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90. Ask it why armadillos are such a favorite topic of mine (cats HATE even
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the mention of the word)
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91. Let it play with your favorite samarai sword (did I spell it right?)
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92. Have it use a razor sharp spork (they're so common...) to eat from its
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food bowl
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93. Stuff its nose and mouth full of sawdust and watch it flip out (place
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any desirable sharp objects near it)
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94. Feed it green eggs and spam
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95. Introduce it to the wonderful world of narcotics (Note: This was put
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here in a mood of jest and merriment only, Psychotic Alliance would like
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to stress that drugs are of no use, except when writing text files)
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96. Use a utility knife (anyone who accomplishes this, please contact me)
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97. Poke it with a pen all over its body, let the scabs heal and then pick
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all of them off
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98. Put it in a time capsule
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99. Push it through a screen
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100. Just use a razor blade...
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101. Give it some swiss cheese (YOU figure it out, hehehe)
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"101 (tm) ways to ruin your transmission" was just a joke, do not expect to
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see it, unless I get REALLY bored.
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Be on the lookout for "101 (tm) uses for a skinned cat" sometime in the not
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so near future, it will be out when I can justify writing text files at all.
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============================================================================
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Call The Works BBS: (617) 861-8976, 4100+ text files. It (usually) won't
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call you. "The only board run by a bagel"
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============================================================================
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Skeeve appears curtousy of "Guh" enterprises, inc.
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