47 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
47 lines
2.8 KiB
Plaintext
SECURITY ON THE HOME FRONT
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By Robert Brooks
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Spies and security leaks are back in the news. To take advantage of the
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increased traffic, the Germans are thinking about raising the toll on their
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famous spy-swapping bridge. And only having the Naval Academy goat stolen by
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West Point could be more embarrassing to the U.S. Navy than having their
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secrets stolen by insiders. Industrial spies are into everything...even the new
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ladies' Jockey shorts! Clearly, we need to reappraise how we handle our
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secrets. Drastic measures are called for; not just at the White House, the
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Pentagon and big corporations, but in every American home. After all, we each
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have our own secrets to protect, don't we? Washington and big business have a
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lot of security experts, but who is helping Mr. and Mrs. John Doe?
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That's why I decided to open the Neighborhood Security Clearance Company. I
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am operating out of my basement, next to the water heater. If the idea catches
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on, I will probably clean up by selling franchises. Yesterday, my six year old
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stuffed every mailbox in the subdivision with advertising flyers. I expect the
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business to start rolling in by the weekend.
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I think the Navy's brassheads ... excuse me, brassHATS ... have the right
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idea: reduce the number of people who have access to classified information. I
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will advise my clients to do the same thing. Your mailman shouldn't know that
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you have two kids away at college. The IRS may have the right to know that you
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can afford the tuition and board, but maybe the mailman's brother-in-law is a
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burglar. Tell the kids to NEVER write home. Call long distance instead. And
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tell the mail order companies that send you all those slick catalogs for
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expensive goodies to send them to your office address.
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I have bought a Radio Shack lie detector. The Neighborhood Security Clearance
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Company is prepared to live up to its name by checking out possible security
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leakers for my clients. Sure ... that nice Mrs. Bilbow may SAY she just want
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your mother's tuna casserole recipe to serve her husband. But, without testing
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how much her palms sweat when she says it, can you really be sure that she isn't
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going to submit it to the Betty Crocker contest? The gadget works. I already
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found out that our old cleaning lady lied about the dog breaking our statuette
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of Spiro Agnew. The new cleaning lady passed the test okay, but she won't do
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the ironing.
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I see a really bright future for my company. Two of the guys I play golf with
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have already asked my professional security opinion on how to get the separate
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rooms with connecting doors when they travel on business with the ladies they
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work with. I didn't charge for the advice, but one guy promised to recommend
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the Neighborhood Security Clearance Company to some other guys he met at the
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Improve Your Marriage seminar.
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