435 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
435 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu
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Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: A long Item
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This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making
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the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting
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on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.
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***************************
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You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello
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Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering.
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There is an unfinished lab book here.
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There is a chemistry book here.
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There are socks here.
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There are empty beer bottles here.
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There is a computer here.
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There are six moldy bananas here.
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There are several tons of dirty laundry here.
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There are shattering cups here.
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There is a refrigerator here.
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There is a desk with drawers here.
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> turn off music
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Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.
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> play beach boys
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Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no
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stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.
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> fix stereo
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The stereo is shattered beyond repair.
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> curse stereo
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"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"
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The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room
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is making it hard to move.
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> look at socks
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They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.
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> clean up socks.
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You can't. They're all welded together.
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> throw socks out window
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They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the
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ground, and shatter.
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> leave room
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24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.
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> kick dave
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Dave doesn't seem to notice.
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> yell at dave
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Dave doesn't seem to notice.
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> feed dave
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Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.
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> eat dave's head
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You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.
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Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of
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your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.
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> work on lab book
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You don't have the lab book.
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> pick up lab book
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It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.
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> inventory
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You are carrying:
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A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
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A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
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A +2 elven sneakers of silence
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A swiss army knife
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A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
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A very large ring of Keys.
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A (much too small) bag of weed.
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A package +3 papers of zig-zag.
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> look papers
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The papers are blank.
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> drop keys
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You load lightens considerably.
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> pick up lab book
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You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.
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> do chemistry lab
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You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does
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the lab. You are thirsty.
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> open refrigerator
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A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.
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> drink cheap beer
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You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters
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something about being left out.
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> kick dave
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Dave doesn't seem to notice.
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> offer beer to dave
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Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and
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leaves.
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> leave room
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You can't. You're suffering from a hangover.
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> open desk
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There is some aspirin here.
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> eat aspirin
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YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.
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> leave room
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The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There
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are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
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> unlock door
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You can't. Your keys are in the room.
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> open doors
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You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are
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here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no
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clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.
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> leave room
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As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.
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You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
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> south
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You come to a lounge.
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There is a door here.
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There are two chairs here.
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There is a desk here.
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Tony is here, studying chemistry.
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> greet tony
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Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."
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> commiserate with tony
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Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are
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still hungry.
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> open door
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There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the
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west. There is a walkway to the south.
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> down
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There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They
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comment loudly on your nudity.
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> west
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You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the
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cafeteria is to the north.
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> north
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They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly
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ejected.
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> inventory
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You are carrying:
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A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
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A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
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A +2 elven sneakers of silence
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A swiss army knife
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A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
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An (even smaller) bag of weed.
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A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.
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> wear shirt
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You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.
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> wear shorts
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You are now a bulging wonder.
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> north
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You are in a room full of simulated food.
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> eat food
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You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of
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introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.
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> south
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You are in a quad.
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> smoke weed
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You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10
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points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of
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Spam.
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> north
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You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable
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munchables.
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> eat food
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You need a tray first.
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> get tray
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You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.
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> eat food
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You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You
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take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites
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you are full. You have food poisoning.
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> leave
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You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food
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poisoning.
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> search cafeteria
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You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.
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> drink bottle
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Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-
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enrollment line?
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> take small sip
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A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of
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Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
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> take small small sip
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You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,
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killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.
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You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.
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You are in a quad.
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> west
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You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world
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does a tap dance on your face.
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> wait
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Time passes....
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> wait
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Time passes....
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> wait
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Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.
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> west
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There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
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> kick lesbian
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She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist
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bastard.
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> wait
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The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive
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patriarchal system.
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> smell lesbian
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Don't do that.
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> pull leg hairs
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You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.
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points.
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You wake up numb from the waist down.
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You are in a quad.
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> west
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There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
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> bash male sex
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The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.
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> west
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This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.
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The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a
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path to the southwest.
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> southwest
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You arrive at the mailhouse.
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> look in mailbox
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There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of
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boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
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> wait
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Time passes....
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> wait
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Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
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> look in box
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The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-
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second reflexes.
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> wait
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Time passes....
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> wait
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Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
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> lunge
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You get your spot.
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> look in box
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It's packed to the bursting point.
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> open box
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You goof up.
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> again
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You goof up.
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> again
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You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers
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for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is
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current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You
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decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here.
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There is a letter here.
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> read letter
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You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love
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letter... from a total stranger.
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> check address
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Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your
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boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been
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airboxed.
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> north
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You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to
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get to their boxes.
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> howl
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Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in
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confusion, giving you time to make your escape.
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> north
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You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you
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pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to
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follow you, hoping for more.
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There is a very small grove of trees to the east.
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> east
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> north
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> west
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> north
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> southeast
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> east
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> south
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> west
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> south
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> west
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> north
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than
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others. There are some fembots here.
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> west
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You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
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There are some fembots here.
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> west
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You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks
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fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.
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There are some fembots here.
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There are some shattered sweat socks here.
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There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here.
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There is a book of matches here.
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There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the
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lamppost.
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> Get matches.
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Taken.
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> burn notice
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Don't you want to see what it says first?
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> burn notice
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There are many trees nearby.
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> burn notice godammit
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You must first light a match.
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> light match
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The match refuses to burn.
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> drop match
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You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a
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filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the
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fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.
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> light second match
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The second match bursts into flame.
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> burn notice
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The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.
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> get bottle
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You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"
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> north
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You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a
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north-south path here.
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There are some fembots here.
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There are some protesters here.
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Your fingers are getting warm.
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> north
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You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a
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building to the north.
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There are some fembots here.
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There is some chanting coming from the south.
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Your fingers are burning.
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> Drop match
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You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.
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> Suck on fingers
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The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.
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The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.
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There is a match burning on the ground.
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> step on match
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You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the
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process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.
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There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.
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> wear shoes
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You move very quietly now.
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> north
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You smack your head into the building. The building does not
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move.
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Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.
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> east
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You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South
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hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
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> east
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You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently
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been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares
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at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The
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professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You
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suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have
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not attended in three weeks.
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> sit
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You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,
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causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would
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make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you
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a copy of the midterm.
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> look test
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You look at the test. The problems on the first page are
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impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.
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Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.
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> do test
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This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.
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You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
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> borrow pencil
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Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize
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your request.
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> steal pencil
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You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not
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notice.
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> do test
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You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only
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a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your
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charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you
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scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a
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calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.
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> do second problem
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Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental
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resources. You suffer a brain embolism.
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> do problem
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You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to
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trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle
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of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot
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move.
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> wait
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Time passes...
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> wait
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Time passes...
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> wait
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Time passes. You can move now.
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> smoke test
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Do you really want to do that?
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> smoke test
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As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the
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ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete
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understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to
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turn in.
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> write answers
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What do you want to write the answers on?
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> paper
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You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank
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papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher
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collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have
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truly smoked this test.
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> east
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You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.
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> north
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You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking
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into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your
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untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut
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behind you.
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> Tie shoelaces
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You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now
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only be removed by surgery.
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--
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Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
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Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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