textfiles/humor/sayings.txt

A SAYING FOR EVERY OCCASION, AND EVERY OCCASION FOR ITS SAYING

                       Those Responsible:

Doctor Hartley M. Baldwin, Owner and manager of System Enterprises
                        Jose the Chaotic
                     The Queen of Confusion
                        The Administrator
           Raistlin Majere, Master of Past and Present
                            The Borad
                             Presto
                         The Mad Hatter
                      The Maylin of Karffel
                          Norman Bates
                      Captain James T. Kirk
                         The DeathKnight

                  With Excerpts from books by:

                       Robert A. Heinlein
                          Margret Weiss
                          Tracy Hickman
                          Paul Dickson
                         West End Games
                         Harry Harrison
                          Douglas Adams
                           And others

Contained within this list are sayings that can make you laugh,
which can make you cry, which can make you think. It is a product
of the people who wrote it and contains a part of them. In this
list you see glimpses of them. We hope you like it.

=================================================================

You can't change the past so -- NO REGRETS

Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in
the dark

If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know
what the hell is going on

In a battle where there is no way out - take an honor guard with
you to hell

Life's a bitch - then you die

Life's a bitch - but death is no picnic either

Life's a bitch - to prepare you for what comes next

Death before dishonor

Always take the initiative

Get your first shot off FAST. This upsets him enough that you can
make your second shot perfect

Take out the officers early. This disrupts an organized fighting
force. If the force isn't organized, you don't have a problem

The end justifies the means

Death is inevitable. Go down fighting

There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. Conversely
there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will
know. So why worry?

The easiest means of suicide is not using your weapons

Might is right, but guile lets you live longer

Kill 'em all and let God sort them out

Anarchy Now!

The most preposterous notion that man has ever come up with is that
The omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent Lord God of Creation, Shaper
and Ruler of all the Universes, wants worship and becomes petulant
if he does not receive it. Yet this idea, without one shred of
evidence, has paid all the expenses of the largest and least
productive industry in all history

The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is
inherently sinful

Always pack your own parachute

Don't turn your back on anybody, especially your inlaws

Never sit with your back to a door

Always expect the unexpected - especially when you don't expect it

The only sure thing is change

Always have at least two backup escape routes

Do unto others before they do unto you
Corollary #1: Do unto others what they would do unto you but do it
first
Corollary #2: Do unto others what they have done unto you

Do whatever you want - but don't get caught doing it

I told Orville and I'm telling you, Wilbur, that danged contraption
will never work

Do unto others then run like hell

Always try anything, except suicide, once. Twice if you like it,
and three times to be sure

Organized religion always has three main objectives. (1) To benefit
the priests. (2) To benefit the government. (3) To always benefit
the priests

One ingredient for a happy marriage - budget the luxuries first

All women are the same height lying down

You can't be a little bit pregnant

Make sure you have fun - because you never know when you are going
to die

We all live the same amount of time - from when we are born until
we die. It's just the amount of memories that differ

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you from betting.
If you don't bet you can't win

Always listen to experts. They will tell you what you can't do and
why. Then do it

Any priest should be considered guilty until proven innocent

All men are created unequal

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa

You live and learn - or you don't live long

In a family argument - if it turns out that you are right -
apologize at once!

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny

Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -
and miss

Yield to temptation - it may not pass your way again

Natural laws have no pity

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

There ain't no such thing as a free lunch

The strangest of all "crimes" that man has ever legislated out of
nothing is "blasphemy" - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure"
not far behind

Never trust anyone completely - especially yourself

Chaotic evil means never having to say that you are sorry

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable
alternative

Honesty is the best policy but lying is more fun

Lie, cheat and steal to get what you want. If that doesn't work,
try honest. If that doesn't work, blow 'em all to hell

Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields, but
experts often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge, the
more likely they are to think so

Let's split up - we can do more damage that way

Masturbation is cheap, easy, clean, and free of any possibility of
wrongdoing - and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's
lonely

The hardest thing to say in twenty-five words or less is goodbye

If you love something set it free. If it doesn't come back, hunt
it down and kill it
Corollary: If you love something set it free. If it comes back,
it's yours. If it doesn't, it never belonged to you in the first
place

Discipline is a means to an end, not the end itself

Avoid making irrevocable decisions when you are tired - plan ahead

In an emergency, junk any and all laws to save your ass

Everything in excess. Take big bites. Moderation is for monks

War is not dying for your country. It's making some other poor SOB
die for his

War is not hell. Life is hell

Life is hell. War is worse

Sex is the most beautiful, natural, and joyous thing that money can
buy

Vapors don't shoot back

All laws are made to be broken (especially moral ones)

Ever notice that laws are made "for your own good"?

If you can't win honestly, cheat like hell

If you attack a man, kill him. That way there's less paperwork

In a fight, if at first you don't succeed, the hell with it

There is no excuse for getting caught with your guard down

If you get caught by a new trick, ok, but only fools get caught
twice

Fools die young

Always remember: your ass is number 1

The best defense is a good offense. The reverse is also true

Dead men tell no tales. They don't say anything else either

Wounded men nark, so better dead than hurt

Does history record any case where the majority was right?

Don't ask what you can do for your country. Tell it what to do for
you

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to
get you

Are we having fun yet?

Ban the bomb: Save the world for conventional warfare

Be yourself. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it

Be sexy. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it

Better dead than mellow

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people

Chaotic immorals have more fun

Christians do it with grace

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep until noon

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy
43% of all statistics are worthless

If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em

Go lemmings, go!

God did NOT create the world in 7 days. He goofed off for 6 days
and then pulled an allnighter.

I think, therefore I am (I think)

If we outlaw guns, how will we shoot people?

If voting could change the system, it would be illegal

If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal

If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen
to either of you for the rest of the day

Kick ass now, take names later

Nuke 'em till they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark

Peace through superior firepower

If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it
the wrong way

Support free trade - smuggle

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives

If it moves, kill it

Is there life after death? Trespass and find out

Nuke the Smurfs

There's always time to party

When fighting a horseman, kill the horse. A horseman without a
horse is but half a man

42

Any place that you habitually return to is the place to be most
wary of because that is where an ambush can be set for you

The following statement is true : The preceding statement is false

When swordfighting, a slash is showy and frightens the enemy, a
thrust kills them quickly and helps form a wall (of bodies) for
your added protection

Death is every man's right and privilege

Two's company, three's a menage a trois

Sex is spiritual in essence - or it is a friendly exercise. The
saddest thing about homosexuality is not that it is wrong, or that
no progeny can come from it, but that it is harder to achieve this
union

I love everybody, and you're next

Older men are chosen to speak wisely, but we call a child to a
sacrificial rite

I'm schizophrenic and so am I

The best cure for a hangover is to keep on drinking

Come back with your shield or on it

As soon as you are born, you start to die

You're not going anywhere but your grave

When I want your opinion - I'll give it to you

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalks

Only one of us is going to live through this, and it's not going
to be me

It's later than you think

Damn the torpedoes - full speed ahead

I did what I did. You don't have to like it

Sex is only dirty if its done right

I swear to God - I'm an atheist

The only thing that we learn from history is that people don't
learn anything from history

Anything not nailed down is mine

If I can pry it loose - it's not nailed down

You've got to catch me first

Can you say "death trap"?

It's only common sense - which is why I feel you need to be told

Paranoid schizophrenics always outnumber their enemies at least two
to none

Never tell me the odds

The person who dies with the most toys wins

The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys

World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones

There's a fine line between being a hero and being dead

If it sounds like BS, smells like BS, and looks like BS, it
probably is BS

Overpopulation is a problem with an easy remedy

Anarchy would not work because the freedom of one would infringe
on the freedom of others

Anarchy would make humans a better race through survival of the
fittest

Anarchy would work because if you couldn't get along, you wouldn't
have to

The only good thing about the U.S. government system is that all
the rest are worse

Democracy is a good system - for beginners

Hammurabi, an ancient Babylonian, wrote a set of laws which were
basically an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. If you lie,
your tongue would be cut off, if you steal your hand would be cut
off, etc. etc. etc. You don't want to know the penalty for adultery

Be prepared for the worst. If it happens, you're ready and if not,
you're lucky

If you fall off a horse, get back on and kick it

If you suggest a new way to do things, and it works, act surprised

If you're feeling good, don't worry - you'll get over it

God fights on the side with the heaviest artillery

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite
me

God helps those who help themselves so be greedy

Life is too short to make big mistakes. Make little ones

We all die after a while so don't rush it

God created all so everything is natural

Rigor mortis can't be too bad - no one complains

Do unto others only if they are smaller than you

Love spreads germs. We'll all get sick

There's nothing that total destruction can't cure

Those who live by the sword ain't shit compared to those with
automatic weapons

Curiosity killed the cat and an awful lot of rabbits

Anything killed would have died eventually anyway

Life and love are four letter words

Sex has only three letters so it can't be dirty

Not all four letter words are dirty - for example: BEER

If it weren't for incest, you wouldn't exist

Why? Conversely: Why not?

Laws and flaws have the same structure

There's no such thing as a pacifist male

There's no such thing as a benevolent dictatorship

Everyone is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
but that doesn't mean that they'll get them

You're not paranoid. They ARE out to get you

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Just for the hell of it - that's why

Hindsight is wonderful. It tells you what you did wrong after you
did it

You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof

Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious

He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day

You can't prove to me that you exist, and I can't prove to you that
I exist, so we're even

The longer you live, the sooner you will die

He moved, that's why I shot him

Juvenile delinquency is the things that the older generation did
when they were young

Any normal girl would rather by looked over than overlooked

There are three things in the world that most men love but never
understand: females, girls, and women

It's not the fall that injures, it's the sudden stop

You can't get anywhere unless you start

People seldom know what they did until they try to undo what they
did

The world's greatest deeds are accomplished by men that are smart
enough to know that it's impossible or too stupid to know that it's
not

Against boredom, even the gods struggle in vain

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer

Beat your child once per day. If you don't know why, he will

Blade runner for hire - have gun, will travel

Blood is thicker than water - and much tastier

Born again pagan

Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance and superstition will always
triumph over science

Certified public assassin

Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world

Decadent Capitalist and proud of it

A desk is a wastebasket with drawers

Do you know where your towel is?

Don't ask me, I just work here

Don't ask me, I'm making it up as I go along

Don't panic

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness

Exceptions rule!

God is real unless declared integer

Grab them by the balls - the hearts and minds will follow

The hell with the prime directive - let's kill something

He's dead, Jim

Of course he's dead - I killed him

He who fights and runs away gets shot in the back

Hi! I can't remember your name either

I'm not a trained killer. I lead trained killers

I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense

I may be a craven little coward, but I'm a greedy craven little
coward

I think I could fall madly in bed with you

If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, and beds
a better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile
deep in the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find
out who the better whore was

If it jams, force it. If it breaks it needed replacing anyway

I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished

I'm not tense, just terribly alert

Immoral Majority Charter Member

Incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige
Indecision is the basis of flexibility

In the beginning, God created the universe. This has made a lot of
people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move

It's not a dungeon - it's a fortified underground defense
installation

It's what you can't see that can and will kill you

I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand

I've had fun before. This isn't it

Knowing Murphy's Law won't help

The less you bother me, the sooner you will get results

Love thy neighbor, but be sure that her husband is out of town

A mind is a wonderful thing to waste

The moral majority is neither

Mostly Harmless

Murphy's Law only fails to work when you try to demonstrate it

My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring

Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing what you want
to

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself

No good deed goes unpunished

Oh no, not again

Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup

Peace through superior swordplay

Question authority

Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party

Reality is a hypothesis

Resistance is useless if less than 1 ohm

A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate
Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking

Smile - it makes people wonder what you've been up to

A Smith & Wesson beats 4 aces

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he'll have to touch
it to be sure

There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers
exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre
and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has
already happened

They'll take my sword when they pry my cold dead fingers off the
hilt

This must be morning. I could never get the hang of mornings

Travel by tesseract. It's the only way to go

2+2=5.1314975. Please recalibrate your instruments accordingly

Ultimate question research team

Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,
pressure, food supply, etc., an organism will do as it damn well
pleases

Unicorns aren't mythical - virgins are

Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser

Wandering punster

Warning: Whimsical when bored

Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else?

Why reason when insanity prevails

The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword

What could possibly go wrong?

When all else fails, read the instructions

When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to do the
backstroke, then you've got something

You can not have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant

You know better than to trust a strange computer

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

Action is what you don't take when the other guy is bigger

Actions speak louder then words, but not as often. In politics
especially

Well, now what do we do?

It's never too late to try again until you are dead

There's no such thing as permanent

Ever notice there's never time to do it right but always time to
do it over?

Why are we here and what the hell is going on?

Everybody lies about sex

Does your end justify your jeans?

The light at the end of the tunnel is probably an oncoming train

Because we like you! That's why...

Never trust the facts

Never trust mother nature

Let's go

Better late than never

Ok

I've got you now

No you don't

It's one of those days

It's time to go home

Never borrow anything - steal it

Death is not an end - it's a beginning

This is not funny

It's only your imagination

Morals? What are they?

There's nothing stranger than life

Mental midget

Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening

If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid he wouldn't have given me
such a vivid imagination

The importance of a question is inversely proportional to the
chance that you will remember it

The victor belongs to the spoils

Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another
drink

In a hierarchy, individuals tend to rise to their level of
incompetence and remain there

Life's a game which you can't win, can't quit, and can't change the
rules

When the going gets tough, the weak get screwed

I stopped drinking, smoking, taking drugs, and having sex. It was
the worst thirty seconds of my life

I read that drinking, smoking and sex were bad for your health --
so I gave up reading

The cult of Dionysus really had something going. On the holy days
they got up, drank, partied, had sex and then fell asleep. The good
part is that all days were holy to Dionysus

Why be normal?

Nothing will go wrong when you try to show what's wrong to the
person who can fix what's wrong

The good die young, so the evil have more time to do things

The power of will without the direction of intelligence is a
destructive power

The army has two standard sizes - too large and too small
I intend to go to hell

Beware of loaning money to a friend. It can make him lose his
memory

Taxes are like golf. You line up on the green and end up in the
hole

Where are we going now?

It's not over till it's OVER

Anything so simple a fool can use it will only be used by fools

Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you are too rich

Tornados are God's way of telling you that there are too many
mobile homes

Death is God's way of telling you to slow down

Who is this God person anyway?

Tomorrow is a whole new day to fuck up

Good grades, studying hard and being respected are side effects of
alcohol deficiency

I'm not as think as you stoned I am

I feel great, and I don't kiss bad either

What's a cubit

Alarm clocks don't wake you up, they just disturb your sleep

It is better to dare many things than to die never knowing victory
or defeat

Do nothing except what you must, but when you must act don't
hesitate

We are Citizens of the Outside. We have rejected the simplistic,
boring, regimented, bureaucratic moral and ethical scriptures by
which the people live. In their place, we have substituted our own
far superior ones. We may move physically among them, but we are
not of them. In order to accomplish our aims we must operate
outside their barriers and well outside their rules

Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence

He who knows least talks longest

Don't change color to match the walls. Look like you belong there
and the walls will change color to match you

Speak of the devil

Anything you get free costs more than it's worth - but you don't
find that out till later

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a
cat

A person who WON'T be blackmailed CAN'T be blackmailed

If it's sinful it's more fun

Being intelligent is not a felony, but most societies evaluate it
as at least a misdemeanor

It is far, far better to have a bastard in the family than an
unemployed son-in-law

Has it ever occurred to you that God might be a committee?

"Cooperate with the inevitable" means "roll with the punch" - it
does NOT mean stooling for the guards

Shout at the devil

Always save the last bullet for yourself

Always give the other sucker an even break

An enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it
may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him
without hate - and quickly

Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on time or within budget

History does not record anywhere at any time a religion with any
rational basis. Religion is a crutch for those not strong enough
to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most
people do have a religion, spend time and money on it, and seem to
derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it

Any government will work if authority and responsibility are equal
and coordinate. This does not insure "good" government, it simply
insures that it will work. Such governments are rare - most people
want to run things but want no part of the blame. This used to be
known as the "Back-Seat Driver Syndrome"

You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on
having both at once.

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse
is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere
The greatest productive force is human selfishness

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins
are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just
stupid)

Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by
legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being
stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; there
is no appeal, and the execution is carried out automatically and
without pity

There is no such thing as "social gambling". Either you are there
to cut the other bloke's heart out and eat it - or you're a sucker.
If you don't like this choice - don't gamble

The two highest achievements of the human mind are the twin
concepts of "loyalty" and "duty." Whenever these twin concepts fall
into disrepute - get out of there fast! You may possibly save
yourself, but it is too late for that society. It is doomed

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it

If you have to join the army, shuffle papers or cut red tape

I wanna die with my boots on

Let's do it!

Sayings are made by people who take common sense and add a lot of
bullshit

If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know

If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question

Justice always prevails...three times out of seven

An order that can be misunderstood WILL be misunderstood

It's always the wrong time of the month

No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted
to keep

You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you go fast enough

Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds
triple the desired restraining speed

On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe that anyone can
be unhappy - but we'll work on it

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am
Blessed is the person who has reached the point of no return and
knows it, for he shall enjoy living

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be
disappointed

Ignorance is no excuse

The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it - it
probably isn't right

If at first you don't succeed - blame it on the teacher

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge,
ponder

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment

Clearly stated instructions will constantly produce multiple
interpretations

It's always the other guy's fault

The critical mass of any do-it-yourself explosive is never less
than half a bucketful

Capitalism exists in one of two states - welfare and warfare

It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money

If nothing can go wrong, something will anyway

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond
them to the impossible

If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set

The gas can is mightier than the sword

When a subject becomes totally obsolete, we make it a required
course

Out of two possibly effects, the undesirable one will occur

Lemmings drown

Sometimes the best law is no law at all

However you vote, and whatever you do, someone will be out there
telling you that you are: (a) wrong, (b) insensitive, (c) a
bleeding heart, (d) a pawn of somebody else, (e) too wishy-washy,
(f) too unwilling to compromise, (g) all of the above - consistency
is not required of critics

If there isn't a law - there will be

What we call sin in others is experiment in us

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved
it

Entropy is always increasing

Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows

Hide!!! If they find you, lie!!!

Ask five people and you'll get at least six opinions

If you're ever right, never let them forget it

If a string has one end it has another end

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something that either abolishes the system or expands it
beyond recognition

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them

Always verify your witchcraft

Experience is in direct proportion to equipment ruined

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either

The meek shall inherit the earth - in a six foot by four block

If you can't remember, it's not important

if it's good, they will stop making it

Quality is inversely proportional to quantity

How to get your face on a postage stamp: drop dead

A "sin" is a belief different from yours

In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need
it

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone else
to blame it on

Whatever it is, I'm not responsible
Corollary: Whatever I did, I didn't do it

If things were left to chance, they'd be better
No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, when
it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
direction, and almost none will return to the source

Just when you get really good at something, there is no need to do
it anymore

Seven-eighths of everything is hidden

There are no winners in life, only survivors

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Mother nature is a bitch

...and even if it can't it might

The number that is obviously correct will contain the error

If it's obvious, it's not

I am sorry, that is beyond your security clearance

The computer is your friend

On the rare occasion that something is successful, the wrong person
gets the credit

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANZERAREORSES?

If you're confident after you've finished an exam, it's because you
don't know enough to know better

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
pants

Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got something else

Those who study the past find other ways to foul up

If you can't beat them, have them join you

Rule 1: The boss is always right. Rule 2: When the boss is wrong,
refer to Rule 1

Our troops advanced today without losing a foot of ground

Negative slack tends to increase

If something cannot be put into something smaller, some dope will
do it

Nobody notices when things go right

The rat race is over. The rats won

Death shall not be denied

I thought you silenced the guard!

WHAT GUARD!?

First rule of hiding: Don't be conspicuous
Alternative theory: Be conspicuous. No one looks at conspicuous
people. 

I'm not crazy, I just don't give a fuck

Ronald McDonald says "Eat McShit and die"

A pseudonym is a nym that's not your nym

Dr. Mark says, "Go suck a sonic screwdriver"

This paper has AIDS. Now that you've touched it, you have it too.
You have two to five years to live. How do you feel now?

Have a nice day

What? Me worry?

If you kill me, you're dead

The living will envy the dead

I'm not a genius, you're just stupid

It takes one who has not to tell someone how much they have

Lessons learned by suffering are often obscured by happiness

With wisdom comes suffering, with suffering comes wisdom

With everything there comes a price, even love

Happiness and sorrow are extremes between which lies inner peace

The explanation requiring the fewest number of assumptions is most
likely to be correct

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist knows it

Variables won't, constants aren't

Don't look back, something might be gaining on you
Nothing is ultimate

The solution to a problem changes the problem

If you're coasting, you're going downhill

Never tell them what you wouldn't do

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

Stick with the following responses when dealing with the press: (a)
I know and I can't tell you. (b) I know and I can tell you. (c) I
don't know

The easiest way to find something is to replace it

Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at

A little ignorance goes a long way

Hell hath no fury like a pacifist

Pacifists will fight to preserve peace

Entropy has us outnumbered

Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it

Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do

If it can be understood, it's not finished yet

A little ambiguity never hurt anyone

The public is always wrong

Go where the money is

if you can't convince them, confuse them

The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it

If it happens, it must be possible

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle

If you're already in a hole, there is no use to keep digging

They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?

Silence the heart, mend the soul, and clear the mind; then you will
have inner peace
Depression is a manifestation of a clouded mind

A friend is one who can see you better than you can see yourself

Discover the ultimate secret...the self

Before judging another, look with his eye, feel with his heart,
yearn with his soul

True bravery lies in facing life

Words are a tool that can soothe the soul or incense the mind
depending on their use

I am all that I have seen, all that I have felt, all that I have
read, all that I have heard, all that I have experienced. I am I,
I am all that I am, I am myself

Life is a long lesson in humility

Working because you want to is the best kind of playing

Pay taxes greater than your apparent standard of living and declare
income accordingly

How to create a new and unusual invention: study what the most
respected authorities agree cannot be done - then do it

No born leader seeks command

A commanding officer commands, he doesn't ask for votes

Never appeal to man's "better nature". He may not have one.
Invoking his self interest gives you more leverage

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in
anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity

Find out what he wants - he'll geek

I volunteered once and that's enough for a lifetime

There are only four top subjects, the rest are sideshows: money,
sex, war, and death. So which one do we choose? RIGHT!

Heaven is as close as you will let it be

To catch a thief, you set a thief

Can you cite ONE case in which a killer committed another murder
AFTER he was executed?

When they're big enough, they're old enough and nothing can be done
about it
Death is an old friend; I know him well. I lived with him, I ate
with him, I slept with him; to meet him again does not frighten me
- death is as necessary as birth, and as happy in its own way

Never tell the truth in mixed company

Fiction is anything that has not necessarily happened yet

Magic, like everything else, has rules

Evil and Good are relative terms 
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