146 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
146 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
From moriarty@tc.fluke.COM.UUCP Mon Aug 8 10:30:03 1988
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From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM.UUCP (Jeff Meyer)
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Subject: Miss Dish's Lament
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Keywords: long, chuckle
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[originally posted in rec.arts.movies]
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This was taken from the program of the 14th Seattle International Film
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Festival, published anonymously under the title "Miss Dish's Lament"; as it
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addressed several of my personal film-viewing peeves in a particularly
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humorous manner, I thought you might enjoy it also.
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==============================================================================
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Despite our continued efforts to teach basic manners to our
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patrons ("Minsky's Guide to Film Festival Etiquette," SIFF
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'86; "Joan's Rules," SIFF '87) it seems as though some
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people just won't learn. Or perhaps it's just that they
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already have their own innate habits which, to them, just
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seem *proper*. You know who we're talking about -- those
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people who seem to obey four rules, and four rules only:
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* Wear a watch that beeps.
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* Ask visiting filmmakers stupid questions.
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* Hiss, to show how superior and politically correct
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they are.
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* Don't bathe; always sit in the best seats.
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One almost gets the feeling that these people are bringing
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about the end of civilized movie-going as we know it.
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Well, we have news for you. They're not the only ones. In
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cinemas across the country, cretins of every size, sex and
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color are popping up, making movie-going less and less
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enjoyable, and video rentals more and more appealing (Heaven
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forbid!). I'm sure you know exactly what kind of people I'm
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talking about, but just in case you don't, my good friend
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Dale Thomajan has listed them in the following comprehensive
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-- but non-exclusive -- step-by-step guide to behavior in
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the theatre:
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YOUNG COUPLES:
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* Arrive late.
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* Wonder why there's no line.
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* Hug and kiss frequently during movie.
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* Sit directly in front of me.
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SINGLE GUYS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
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* Talk to movie.
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* Giggle during violent scenes.
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* Curse during love scenes.
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* Don't take no crap from *nobody*.
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SINGLE WOMEN OVER 40:
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* Find that cellophane ball they lovingly constructed
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as a girl.
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* Bring it to theatre.
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* Unwrap it during first film.
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* Re-wrap it during the second film.
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* Sit directly behind me.
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MARRIED COUPLES:
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* Remain totally silent until picture starts.
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* During title credits, start a conversation; continue
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it until picture ends.
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* When lights go on, remain completely silent until
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next picture starts.
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SENIOR CITIZENS:
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* Announce first appearance of everyone in cast
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("That's Greta Garbo... Melvyn Douglas... Ina Claire").
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* Read all on-screen signs, headlines, menus and letters
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out loud ("Danger -- Road Closed... Kane Elected").
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* Note major plot developments out loud ("He's got a
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gun... The sister is at the window").
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* Sing along with musical numbers.
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UPPERMIDDLEBROWS:
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* Attend every European comedy they can, particularly the
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bad ones.
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* Laugh at the unsubtitled dialogue.
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* Never laugh at the subtitled dialogue.
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* If the director appears in a cameo, laugh loudly to show
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that that they recognize them.
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* Talk softly so not to disturb others; fail.
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* Sit beside me.
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AGING COUNTERCULTURISTS:
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* Laugh at every American movie made before _Easy Rider_,
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except the comedies.
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* Affect bushy hairstyle.
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* Sit directly in front of me.
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* On the way out, ask manager to schedule Robert Downey
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(Sr.) festival.
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CINEASTS:
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* Enter theater shrieking "*Focus!*"
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* Race to your seat as credits begin.
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* Between films, look around theatre in search of blood
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brothers.
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* Carry latest issue of "Variety".
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OVERAGE COLLEGIANS:
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* Refer to all movies as "flicks".
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* Bring dinner.
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* Eat it.
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STRANGE MIDDLE-AGED MEN:
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* Dress *very* casually.
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* Go to matinees.
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* Change seats frequently.
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* Talk to movie.
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* Get into long arguments with the similarly afflicted.
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What's a proper lady or gentleman to do if this kind of
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etiquette continues to prevail at our movie houses? I say,
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don't sit back on your haunches and let such flagrant
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ignorance be paraded in front of you. If you're as mad as
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hell, chances are others are too, and whining to the
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manager, who's usually already overworked and underpaid,
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doesn't produce fast, absolute satisfaction. Direct action
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must be taken *immediately*, and this is what I'd suggest:
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Facing the heathen head-on, assume a strong, threatening
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stance, with legs apart and the hair on your neck standing
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up. Then, curl your upper lip, grit your teeth, and emit a
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low, barely audible growl. If this doesn't elicit the
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proper response (i.e. silence and fear), then a quick, sharp
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bite on the offender's leg should do the trick -- this
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almost always prompts them to rush from the theatre
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immediately, thereby making it a safe place once again for
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all creatures great and small... of the correct persuasion.
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"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this,
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man's being unable to sit still in a room."
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-- Blaise Pascal
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---
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Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
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One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please!
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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