textfiles/humor/royalfam.txt

   The Royal Family - Inbred genetic mutants or hereditary con-artists?
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Many of the more astute USAns amongst the alt.peeves audience will no doubt
have noticed that many of the postings in this newsgroup come from the
United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Island, a small but
insignificant island off the coast of "that little Yurrup place that Uncle
Elmer went to fer his vacation last year".

One of the ways in which this country differs from the USA (other than it's
culture, history and language) is in it's *lack of a President*. While I'm
sure many USAns are somewhat shocked that the UK thus doesn't have anybody
to vomit over Japanese Prime Ministers or go on holiday every time there's
an international crisis, have no fear. For we have something much, much
better - we have the Royal Family (throughout this peeve the term "Royal
Family" refers to the British Royal Family, not to any other Royal Families
you might care to mention).

The UK has a long history of monarchy, dating back long before the Act Of
Union which saw the virtual absorption of Scotland into England. There was
whatsisname who got the arrow in his eye, thingy who burnt the cakes, that
Scottish one who liked dressing up as a woman and the other one who offered
to swap his entire kingdom for a horse. In ye olde days, Royalty was as
common as muck. You couldn't swing a cat in any major town without hitting
at least half a dozen One True Kings. Royalty was loud, raucous, extremely
popular, very good at killing off anyone who didn't like them and equally
good at screwing those who did. Droit de signeur was exercised mercilessly,
with the result that at times up to 50% of the English population were
Royal Bastards (these days they've had to drop the Royal bit).

Then something happened. Overnight the Royals who had been reproducing like
rabbits stopped. Perhaps it had something to do with the way they were
always trying to kill each other and frequently succeeding. Perhaps
screwing everything that moves just gets boring eventually. Either way, the
Royals very nearly died out. However, an early conservationist kept the
species alive by introducing a breeding pair from Germany. This breeding
pair then proceeded to invite their entire families over to lord it over
the Brits (the UK defeated the Germany in two World Wars? Big deal -
they've been ruling the UK for several hundred years).

The mating behaviour of these new Royals was rather different to the
previous, promiscuous Royals however. Although there were still substantial
numbers of Royal Bastards around, they tended to breed only amongst
themselves, sending the resultant offspring off to occupy the various
thrones of Europe. This interbreeding did cause problems though - while it
is often recognized that Queen Victoria was grandmother to something like
ten European monarchs, it is not often recalled that, due to interbreeding,
she was also their sister, great-aunt, Uncle Eddie and second cousin twice
removed.

And so we find ourselves in the last decade of the twentieth century. What
state do we find the Royal family in? The answer is clear - exactly the
state you would expect to find them in after two hundred years of
inbreeding. However, there is one other surprise - unlike most other
European Royal Families (who are given modest State Pensions, live in
semi-detached houses in suburbia and ride bicycles to work) the British
Royal Family are filthy rich.

To see where the plethora of peeves that surround the Royal Family arise,
let us examine them one by one.

Her Royal Highness Elizabeth "Mrs Queen" Windsor aka The Queen. Quite
probably the world's richest individual. The woman has got *billions*.
She's got money pouring out of every bodily orifice. She doesn't get any
money from the Civil List but doesn't need it since she doesn't pay taxes
and thus earns more in interest in a single day than most of us can every
expect to see in our lifetimes. In exchange for this special tax
arrangement and vast fortune, she waves a bit, cuts ribbons and models for
stamps. The Royal Fortune has been amassed over the centuries via tax
evasion and lying to Parliament. Prince Albert asked that the civil list
fund him "in the manner befitting a well-to-do gentleman". Albert's idea of
what a well-to-do gentleman should have included several palaces, 1/2 dozen
grouse moors or so and an enormous number of servants. Quite. One of the
Royals earlier this century claimed he needed more money otherwise he would
have to go to functions in a taxi. I mean, c'mon, he owned a dozen enormous
palatial houses. He could have sold one! Balmorlal. Holyrood Palace.
They're all empty for all but two weeks in the year! Couldn't they be put
to better use?

His Not So Royal Highness Prince Phillip aka "Phil The Greek". He's not got
a bad deal at all - all the cash he could ever want courtesy of Liz, big
grouse moors and country estates on which he can blow small furry animals
apart to his hearts content, a position which means he can get away with
making racist remarks about "slitty-eyed Chinese" when anyone else in the
country would have been publicly crucified. In exchange for this life of
privilege and luxury he does...well, not a lot really. He's not as heavily
into waving and cutting ribbons as QEII and his visage is more likely to
appear in profile on a bottle of Ouzo than a stamp. He's nominally the Duke
Of Edinburgh but never visits the place other than en route to his annual
shooting expeditions in the Highlands. This is typical of the Royals who
are, to all extents and purposes, the English Royal Family (even though
they are Germans). They live in England and treat the other bits of the UK
as holiday homes.

HRH The Slightly Batty And Rather Senile Queen Mother. "Britain's Favourite
Grandmother" indeed. Britain's best known grandmother, perhaps, but she is
by no means universally loved. She does her share of the waving and
suchlike but the primary reason she is adored is that everyone is thinking
ahead to the day's holiday they are going to get when she kicks the bucket.

HRH Prince "I Talk To The Trees - And They Talk Back" Charles. Heir to the
throne, serious and enviromentally aware yet nutty as a fruitcake. He's got
this wonderful habit of making pronouncements like "people should use their
cars less often and save the environment" and then having his Bentley
(which does about 15 gallons per mile) right across Europe so he can drive
home in it rather than have to make do with one of those naff Royal limos.
When all is said and done, he's just not Royal material. OK, so he's got
most of the qualifications - he's not very bright, he's a grade 'A'
hypocrite, he looks like his parents were not so much brother and sister as
the same person. However - he just doesn't seem to have his heart in it.

HRH Princess Anne. About the only Royal I've got any time for. Actually
seems to spend more of her time on Royal duties than living it up. Come The
Revolution, she's the only one I'd consider saving from putting up against
the wall. Still dumb and inbred looking though.

HRH Prince "I've Got A Helicopter" Andrew. Slightly less dumb than Charles
or Anne. Also holds down a steady job, something that's almost unique in
the Royal Family today. Shame that he still comes over as an overprivileged
braying upper-class prannet. His wife must have rubbed off on him.

HRH Prince "There's No Business Like Showbusiness" Edward. Now Eddie is an
odd one. He's easily the best educated Royal (something that makes him a
bit of a black sheep) and has no time at all for the Royal handshaking etc.
Instead he prefers the smell of the greasepaint and the roar of the crowds.
This is because of one of the best kept Royal secrets - the great Baby Swap
incident. In a freak accident the stupid, dull Royal baby was swapped for
another baby. Instead, the Royals have raised the son of one of the Flying
Zucchini Brothers, Trapeze Artists Extraordinaire. The errant behaviour of
Edward has been matched by the odd behaviour of the other misplaced child,
who ran away *from* the circus, became an accountant and is now Prime
Minister. It all fits - Edward acts like he should be the son of a trapeze
artist, John Major is rather stupid, extremely dull and likes waving at
people and shaking hands. The apparent age difference is due to clever
make-up on the part of John Major.

That's the family dealt with, now for the hangers-on

HRH Princess Diana. She's really so bland there's nothing worthwhile to say
about her. Waves quite a lot, flashes a bit of thigh and wears a bikini to
keep the press happy. That's about it really.

HRH Sarah "The Duchess Of Pork" Ferguson. A woman who has single-handedly
done more for the cause of Republicanism in the UK than the rest of the
Royals have in the previous two centuries. Sort of an upper-class Essex
girl. Does almost no work whatsoever, spends large amounts of her time on
ski-ing holidays or screwing Texans, lives in an enormous house provided
tax-free by the Mother-In-Law, gives her kids bloody stupid names, messes
around on planes annoying other passengers. This woman makes Dan Quayle
seem like a model of tact and diplomacy. Definitely first up against the
wall when the revolution comes but we'll need a particularly big wall...

Right, that's the major Royals dealt with. Now onto the aristocracy in
general.

The whole existence of the aristocracy is a peeve to me. Why the hell
someone should have the rights to huge....tracts of land, a silly title, a
stately home and a major say in the process of government simply because an
ancestor 400 years ago switched sides 10 minutes before the battle, I don't
know. Appointed Lords (who are given the title because of achievements or
their services to the country) I can manage, but having some antiquated
relic able to veto the will of the British people (well, as much of it as
actually survives the passage through the House Of Commons) simply because
his great-great-great-great-great grandfather was Royal Bastard #12734
strikes me as not being a very good way to do things. Perhaps all those
years ago when someone was a Lord simply because you were better at
administering swift kicks to the groin or poisoning your opponents they
might have been suited to rule, but today's in-bred mutants are barely
capable of tying their own shoe-laces, never mind ruling and would be more
at home in a High Security Mental Wing somewhere than in the House Of
Lords.

So what's to be done? I'm all for the abolition of the Royal Family. Open
the palaces etc to the public, put the Queen's enormous art collection on
public display. As for the Royals themselves? Well the Russian solution
would be workable but we'd then have people claiming to be the "long lost
great-grandson of Princess Diana and true heir to the throne" for centuries
afterwards. Personally I favour making them leave of their own accord. How?
Make them liable to pay taxes and set the tax rate for the Extremely
Incredibly Rich to something like 99p in the pound. And declare all their
property "National Treasures" and prevent it from being taken out the
country when they leave.

Which brings me to another peeve - "treasure trove". Anything gold and
shiny dug up by a farmer in his field can be declared "Treasure Trove".
Basically this means the Queen gets it. Hasn't she got enough already?

Oh well, I guess I can kiss goodbye to any chance of a knighthood now.

ObBonusPeeve: What started out as rather a good rant kinda ran out of steam
near the end, didn't it?

--
		  Not Al Crawford - Not_Al_Crawford@ed.ac.uk
"Sheepdog on toast. Take one slice of bread, toast both sides. Add one medium
   sized free-range sheepdog and grill until golden brown. Garnish lightly."