104 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: alt.shenanigans
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From: pads@ravel.udel.edu (Stephen J. Padbury)
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Subject: Roommate Confusion
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Message-ID: <C0EE5F.KE2@news.udel.edu>
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Date: 5 Jan 93 20:27:14 GMT
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Organization: University of Delaware
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Lines: 96
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Now that everone is starting to get back from winter break,
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I thought I would share something with you.
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I here bye remove myself from all responsibility for your roommate's
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manslaughter charge If you use any of this.
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50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
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2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
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3. Twitch a lot.
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4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
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5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in
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it. Talk to them.
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6. Become a subgenius.
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7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
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8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
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up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back
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down and grin.
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9. Speak in tounges.
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10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtley.
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Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
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everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
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11. Walk and Talk backwards.
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12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
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cans in the middle of the room. Number them.
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13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night.
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If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight
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face, "They're more tham meets the eye."
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14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
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"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
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15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on
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a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for
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your performace art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
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16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
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17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
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18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you aren't using it. Turn it off
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when you are.
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19. Ask your roommate if you family can move in "just for a couple of
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weeks."
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21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
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come, pretend nothing happened.
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22. Eat glass.
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23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
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24. smile. All the time.
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25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
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you think the dog ate.
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26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
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27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
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can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the
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food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you
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get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
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28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list
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of grievances.
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29. paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
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30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
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and then look away quickly.
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31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
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32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
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33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
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34. Hide your underwear in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of
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stealing it.
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35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
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36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
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37. Whenever your roommate comes in, wait one minute and then stand up.
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Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this
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up for three weeks.
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38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
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Refuse to discuss them.
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39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
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40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
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with "Didja ever wonder why..." Be creative.
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41. Shave one eyebrow.
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42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
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pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
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comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching.
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43. Put horseradish in you shoes.
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44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
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loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
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45. Always flush the toilet three times.
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46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
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47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
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it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains,
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explain that it is for your primative cultures class.
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48. Give him/her an allowance.
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49. Listen to radio static.
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50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
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them as soon as you get up.
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20. (bet you thought I forgot, huh?) Eat bean burritos an hour before
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bed. Fart a lot.
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----------------------|---------------------------------|
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Stephen J. Padbury |Current campus record holder for |
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University of Delaware| most ways discovered to crash a |
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pads@ravel.udel.edu | hard drive in one week : 4 |
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